Three years ago my depression and anxiety was so severe that the decision was made for me to be hospitalized. I was hospitalized for a total of three weeks. I was hospitalized for one week the first time, and then I was re-hospitalized a week later for two weeks. I was at my lowest point ever. I had no desire to live or push forward. It was pure hell.
At this time in my life I felt I had nothing to to live for. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved Ryan and Joanie and Hunter, but the pain was so unbearable I didn't feel I could continue. The pain that came from my depression and anxiety was, and is, all-encompassing. There is not a point on my body that didn't hurt. I hurt emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. It felt too hard to continue forward in this life.
I can look at this time in my life in two different ways...I was either extremely blessed or extremely lucky. Where my faith has been such an integral part of my healing I have to go with being extremely blessed. As I've been looking through my journal from my time in the hospital I can see the Lord's hand in my life. At the time it was not easy to turn to the Lord, but over the past few years as my faith has grown it's become easier to turn to the Lord for help.
As I've been looking back through my journal I see the scriptures and inspiration I received from the apostles and prophets. I see where they worked into my life without my knowledge. One of the opportunities was listening to the 2013 October General Conference. On that Saturday afternoon I had made a trip to Salt Lake to get a dog for me. On the way back Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a member of the Quorum of the 12, gave a talk. His talk was titled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk helped me in so many ways. I know it didn't help only me, because I saw the impact on Joanie's life.
As I was driving home from Salt Lake I received a number of calls from family and friends asking me if I had heard this talk. Granted, I only heard a little of it. The caller who impressed me the most was Joanie. At the time she was she was 11 years old, almost 12. She called me and told me I HAD to watch and listen to this talk by Elder Holland. She then began to tell me what inspiration she had received while listening to Elder Holland.
I can tell you this, it is extraordinarily humbling to have your child teach you. I was, and continue to be, amazed with how close to the Holy Ghost Joanie was. Even three years later she listens to conference diligently and with hope of hearing the prophet or apostles teach from the Lord. This talk touched us both so deeply that we have printed off and read and reread it multiple times.
In his talk Elder Holland said, "So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."This poignant part of his talk has helped me push forward in my most troubling times. I can now look back and see the times when Satan wanted to drag me under, and not let me succeed. But now I can see the Lord's hands pulling me to him, encouraging me to never lose my faith, to remember the atonement and to seek for understanding. I love the quote from President Thomas S. Monson.
“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”So many times have I felt the Lord's love for me. I have not only felt the love from my Heavenly Father, but I have felt the love from Jesus Christ. I have developed a better understanding of the atonement; particularly that the atonement is not only for those who sin.
One talk that gave me a better understanding of the atonement was given in 2012 by Elder David A. Bednar. He spoke at a BYU devotional. He said,
"Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully."Before my depression and anxiety became all consuming I did not realize that the atonement is there to help me become a better person and move forward in this life. Learning more about the atonement has been integral in my stepping forward.
At times I still take one step forward and two steps back, but I can now see my progress. I recognize that now my forward steps are large and my two steps back are more like shuffles.
To end this I want to share something I learned while in the hospital. I had been reading the Book of Mormon and was in Alma. Alma 33:18 & 21 it reads, "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."
My faith has sustained me and will continue to sustain me through the difficult times in my life.
Talks Quoted:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng
https://www.lds.org/liahona/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng
