Mind over Matter

Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Stress. Panic.

What do all these have in common? The ability to keep me from living. What could possibly help me get out of bed? Medicine, maybe. Children, high chance. Mind over matter, highly doubtful.

So, let's say that I choose to have a "mind-over-matter" day. I'm going to get up and do EVERYTHING that NEEDS and SHOULD be done. Let's see what happens.

7 a.m. Get up and get the kids up and going for school.

7:45 a.m. I'm home alone. I'll eat breakfast.

8 a.m. Exercise for 30 minutes.

8:30 a.m. Change a load of laundry.

8:45 a.m. Shower and get ready for the day.

9:30 a.m. Change laundry again.

9:40 a.m. Clean the house. This includes: dishes, dining room, front room and bathroom.

11 a.m. Get shoes and socks on.

11:15 a.m. Leave to pick up 5 year old from school.

11:30 a.m. Wait with 5 year old at elementary school. (I know if I go home I won't want to leave again.

12:30 p.m. Pick up 7 and 9 year old's from elementary school.

12:45 p.m. Drop off children at boys and girls club.

1 p.m. Arrive back home.

1:05 p.m. Change laundry again.

1:10 p.m. Look at clock and wonder about taking a nap. Realize I have a lot of things that still needed to be completed.

1:15 p.m. eat lunch with 5 year old.

1:45 p.m. Work on folding clothes.

2 p.m. Look at time and wonder how in the world I'm going to make it until 9 p.m.

2:30 p.m. Decide what to do for dinner. Pull out meat that will be needed.

3 p.m. Change laundry again.

3:15 p.m. Leave to pick up 12 and 13 year old's from Junior High.

4 p.m. Arrive back home.

4:15 p.m. Have one of the older children change laundry. Keep working on folding clothes, while looking longingly at my bed.

4:55 p.m. Send Hunter to church to meet Ryan for scouts.

5:15 p.m. Start thinking about making dinner. Sit at table and have Joanie help me with dinner.

6:30 p.m. Eat dinner.

7:30 p.m. Youngest two children get in bath and ready for bed.

8:30 p.m. Family prayer.

9 p.m. Watch a TV show with Ryan.

10 p.m. Literally crash into bed, but unable to sleep because of all the thoughts running through my head.

Midnight: Finally fall asleep.

Next three days: Can't get out of bed because my body is in shock and refuses to move. I'm in so much pain that even the thought of getting up to use the bathroom makes me cry.

So, I have one day of mind over matter, but the next few days I'm completely useless and not even able to be with the family.

Now, I'm not going to go into what a normal day looks like, but suffice it to say I usually have two naps and am able to sit at the table with the family for a few hours in the evening. On top of that the following days I'm able to still get up and be with the family.

I do have some mind over matter every day, but realizing that if I want to be a part of my family in the evenings, I MUST take my naps and not overdo it with housework.

I must remember what is the most important aspect of my life is my family. Spending those hours in the evenings with them is truthfully what gets me through my days. So, I will take my naps and be there for my husband and children.

Why I Take Medicine for my Depression and Anxiety

My health history would not only surprise some, but it would bore some to death. Just to give you a sneak peek into my health, here's some information. Not only do I suffer from depression and anxiety but I also have diabetes, Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, migraines, and a host of other issues. 

There are some who question whether or not medicine is beneficial or needed to treat mental diseases. Yes, even I have friends and family members who are naysayers. I have been told "life will get better", "You need to think positive", and one of my favorite, "It's all in your head". Of course it's all in my head. I have a mental disease and without a brain my issues wouldn't exist.

A number of years ago when I was being treated for high blood pressure I was being seen by a wonderful doctor. I was in my late 20s and struggling with having to take medicine daily. My doctor asked me the only question he knew would make me take my medicine regularly. "Do you want to see your children graduate high school and get married?" I immediately started crying. How could he be so mean? How could he even question my love for my children? After I calmed down I told him that yes I wanted to be around for those events. His response, "Well, you need to take your damn medicine"!

This exclamation was an eyeopener for me. Was taking medication for my high blood pressure really going to help me live longer? I decided taking it was a necessity.

Fast forward five years and I still have high blood pressure, but I've now been diagnosed with diabetes and my depression. I have a new doctor and I'm extremely hesitant to take meds for my depression. 

It is socially unacceptable and an embarrassment to take medicine for depression. I should be able to deal with my depression on my own. My life is ideal, why do I suffer from depression? All these thoughts went through my mind, and were verbally said to me. I was heartbroken. How could I admit to having a mental disease if no one believed me or supported me? 

Once again at my doctor visit he begins asking me questions. 

Doc:  "Do you take medicine for your high blood pressure?"

Me: "Yes."

Doc: "Do you take medicine for your diabetes?"

Me: "Of course."

Doc: "Why is it OK for you to take medicine for these diseases, but not for your depression?"

Me: "I could die if I don't take my other medicine."

Doc: "The same thing could happen if we don't control your depression."

It was hard to hear this, but it was what I needed to hear. At that time I was able to stay on the medicine for a year and then go off it for a number of years. 

Sadly, three years later I was hospitalized and have not been able to get off medicine for my depression and anxiety.

I no longer feel that it is wrong to take medicine for a mental disease. I can admit that I will be on medication for the rest of my life, and I'm OK with that. My life is still great. I have a loving husband who spoils me, two wonderful children who make being a mom easy, and family and friends who, I hope, are beginning to understand a little more about mental illness.

So, the answer to why do I take medicine for my mental diseases is this: I want to be a mom. I want to live and see my children graduate from school. I want to see them get married. Above all, I want to be a mom to my children in the here and now. I want to be a mom they can say was there for them, and who loves them with all my heart. I don't have to be 100% all the time, but me at 30% is still better than me at 0%. And the only way for me to be this mom is to take my medicine.

2016...We Survived

We Survived

This past year can be described in two words...We Survived.

Ryan and I survived our 16-year-anniversary.

We survived Ryan's job change.

We survived Abby's near-obsession with family history.

We survived a trip to Barnes and Noble and Deseret Book for Joanie's 14th birthday.

We survived Joanie babysitting all summer. 

We survived Joanie growing 3-4 inches.
 
We survived Hunter turning 12 and entering junior high.

We survived Hunter growing 6-7 inches, making him taller than Joanie and Abby (this was a BIG survival).

We survived Hunter's first-seven-day scout camping trip (Abby by a hair).

We survived the death of Abby's granny and grandpa.

We survived the death of our beloved Shih tzu, Winky.

We survived getting a new puppy, Charley.

We survived two weddings in one day.
We survived Abby having back surgery, again.

We survived Joanie having her lingual tonsils out (2-days before Christmas).

We survived Abby's parents starting a 2-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

We survived multiple short road trips; including trips to South Dakota, California, Las Vegas, and Beaver Dam. 

We survived having our friend and her three daughters move in with us 2 1/2 weeks before Christmas.

Above all, we survived another year of Abby being in constant pain, and the depression and anxiety that comes from being in that much pain.

Here's to 2017!