Anxiety

There are times I feel like I am getting closer to being the person I was before my "issues" overtook my life. Then, there are times, especially recently, when I feel like I will never be 'me' again. My anxiety has once again started taking over my life.

Before my anxiety became the best of me, I use to love attending church. It was the one day a week that I truly relaxed and felt a closeness to my Heavenly Father. I held callings that I loved. My favorite callings not only involved working with the children (3-11 years old), but teaching them the music that I love. These years of service brought me such joy that those around me knew, just by looking at me, that I had worked with the children and music. 

Sadly over the past 3 1/4 years I have lost the desire to attend church, in large part due to my anxiety. There are aspects of church that makes my anxiety shoot high (See my post http://anxietyanddepressionasafamily.blogspot.com/2017/02/disappointed.html). 

My anxiety has gone through the wringer. It's high, it's low, it's average. I never know how I'm going to react to a church setting. For about 2 1/2 years I would go to church long enough to partake of the Sacrament, then I would leave and come home. About 9 months ago I started staying for all of Sacrament Meeting, but then leaving. Right before Christmas I was trying extra hard to stay for all three hours. That entailed attending all of Sacrament Meeting and then sitting in the foyer (usually with a baby) during Sunday School and Relief Society. 

As I talk about in my disappointed post, I tried attending Relief Society, and it was a disaster.  Making my anxiety skyrocket, I have been unable to stay longer than Sacrament Meeting the past few weeks. I have not been able to figure out what would help me.
 
One of my friends, Audrey, shared an article titled, "How to Enjoy Church if You Have Anxiety" (http://www.ldsdaily.com/personal-lds-blog/how-to-enjoy-church-if-you-have-anxiety/). I'm not sure how she knew I needed this article, but it has some wonderful ideas. 

Some of these ideas I already utilize. The hardest one for me is to advocate for myself. I already feel like the members of my ward are judging me and thinking I'm an inconvenience (especially in Relief Society). I hate bringing more attention to me than I already have. 

I like to ponder what might help me. Ryan sits right next to me during Sacrament Meeting, then he serves in Primary and is busy there during Sunday School and Relief Society. If he were by my side would I be OK? I'd like to think so, but that only helps during SS. After all, he is my rock. 

So, with my anxiety being so high, especially in regards to church what am I going to do? First off, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. My testimony is firm in that aspect. Next, I'll continue attending Sacrament Meeting and maybe a few months (or years) down the road I'll attempt Relief Society again. For now though, I don't want my feelings hurt again so I'll avoid Relief Society like the plague, and pray that my anxiety will start to abate.

 

Disappointed

*The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds meetings every Sunday for a three-hour block. There are three meetings; Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, and for women Relief Society.*

A few Sundays ago I was having what would be considered a good day for me. I felt up to going to church, which doesn't happen on a regular basis. I showered on Saturday night so I could sleep in on Sunday morning. I was able to get up, get ready and be to church on time. 

During Sacrament Meeting I had a little anxiety, but I was able to control it. Being able to get up and walk around the foyer helped a lot. It also helped that I was able to hold a friend's little boy. 

The next meeting I spent in the foyer holding the baby and working up the courage to go to Relief Society. 

Relief Society has been very difficult for me to attend since my depression and anxiety became all consuming. Even stepping into the room has been enough to throw me into a downward spiral of anxiety. I had been talking myself into going for two weeks.

I made a conscious decision to arrive to the Relief Society room early and sit on the back row right next to the door. Doing this I knew I would be able to see out the door and have the ability to walk out if needed. I wasn't planning on leaving though. I wanted to attend and listen to the prepared lesson. I had the perfect spot for me to sit...right next to the door, I had a baby in my arms and one of my best friends sitting next to me. 

The Relief Society president walked in and asked me if I wanted to say the prayer. I told her I could say the prayer and leave or not say the prayer and stay for the meeting. She choose someone else to say the prayer. 

The meeting started out nice. The door was open and I was semi-comfortable. Opening song was sung and prayer was said. The lesson was getting ready to begin. 

Then, coming from the hallway was the sound of men voices. And these men had voices that carried. Eyes were starting to turn to look at the door. One woman stood up and started to shut the door. I kept it open a couple inches so I could still see out the door. A couple minutes later another woman stood up and shut the door all the way. I snuck out because I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in that room without the door open. I needed my security of seeing. 

In tears I walked the church looking for my husband. I found him and pulled him out of his class. I burst into tears and told him I just wanted to go home. That I couldn't do it. I wanted to leave and never come back. He calmed me down somewhat and drove me home. 

As I sat on my bed crying I tried to figure out exactly what had upset me. Was I upset that I hadn't been able to attend all three meetings? Or, was I upset that the woman in my class, those who should support me, didn't even try to understand what I was feeling?

After some deep thinking I realized I was proud of myself for making it longer at church then I had in years. I had done well! I had succeeded in moving forward with that part of my life. For me it was a success.

I then realized that I was more upset that it seemed no one even wanted to take my feelings into consideration. Not one person came after me to see if I was OK. No one called to check on me. I felt, and continue to feel, that I'm just a small ant that no one truly cares about. I'm hurt. 

Yes, the noise coming from the hallway was louder than it could have been. But, leaving the door open just a couple of inches would have made it manageable for me. Am I being selfish with feeling this way? Should I not have become so upset over something that would have made class easier for me? Am I right to be feeling as though I don't matter? Is there a right way or wrong way for me to feel? That depends on who you are. However (and this has taken me years to understand), I have the right to feel how I feel, and NO ONE can tell me that it's wrong. 

Now, am I going to let the this event stop me from attending church. No. However, it will be some time before I'm comfortable even attempting to attend Relief Society again. I'll go to Sacrament Meeting and then sit in the hall waiting for the rest of the family to finish up their classes. Yes, I'm hurt. But, I go to church for me, not for others. I just have to remind myself that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect, but the members of the church are not. 

So, as I go forward, I'll take what I can get and feel good about what I'm able to accomplish, not what I'm not able to do.