There are times I feel like I am getting closer to being the person I was before my "issues" overtook my life. Then, there are times, especially recently, when I feel like I will never be 'me' again. My anxiety has once again started taking over my life.
Before my anxiety became the best of me, I use to love attending church. It was the one day a week that I truly relaxed and felt a closeness to my Heavenly Father. I held callings that I loved. My favorite callings not only involved working with the children (3-11 years old), but teaching them the music that I love. These years of service brought me such joy that those around me knew, just by looking at me, that I had worked with the children and music.
Sadly over the past 3 1/4 years I have lost the desire to attend church, in large part due to my anxiety. There are aspects of church that makes my anxiety shoot high (See my post http://anxietyanddepressionasafamily.blogspot.com/2017/02/disappointed.html).
My anxiety has gone through the wringer. It's high,
it's low, it's average. I never know how I'm going to react to a church
setting. For about 2 1/2 years I would go to church long enough to
partake of the Sacrament, then I would leave and come home. About 9
months ago I started staying for all of Sacrament Meeting, but then
leaving. Right before Christmas I was trying extra hard to stay for all
three hours. That entailed attending all of Sacrament Meeting and then
sitting in the foyer (usually with a baby) during Sunday School and
Relief Society.
As I talk about in my disappointed post, I tried attending Relief Society, and it was a disaster. Making my anxiety skyrocket, I have been unable to stay longer than Sacrament Meeting the past few weeks. I have not been able to figure out what would help me.
One of my friends, Audrey, shared an article titled, "How to Enjoy Church if You Have Anxiety" (http://www.ldsdaily.com/personal-lds-blog/how-to-enjoy-church-if-you-have-anxiety/). I'm not sure how she knew I needed this article, but it has some wonderful ideas.
Some of these ideas I already utilize. The hardest one for me is to advocate for myself. I already feel like the members of my ward are judging me and thinking I'm an inconvenience (especially in Relief Society). I hate bringing more attention to me than I already have.
I like to ponder what might help me. Ryan sits right next to me during Sacrament Meeting, then he serves in Primary and is busy there during Sunday School and Relief Society. If he were by my side would I be OK? I'd like to think so, but that only helps during SS. After all, he is my rock.
So, with my anxiety being so high, especially in regards to church what am I going to do? First off, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. My testimony is firm in that aspect. Next, I'll continue attending Sacrament Meeting and maybe a few months (or years) down the road I'll attempt Relief Society again. For now though, I don't want my feelings hurt again so I'll avoid Relief Society like the plague, and pray that my anxiety will start to abate.
Showing posts with label Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Show all posts
Monday, February 27, 2017
Monday, February 6, 2017
Disappointed
*The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds meetings every Sunday for a three-hour block. There are three meetings; Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, and for women Relief Society.*
A few Sundays ago I was having what would be considered a good day for me. I felt up to going to church, which doesn't happen on a regular basis. I showered on Saturday night so I could sleep in on Sunday morning. I was able to get up, get ready and be to church on time.
During Sacrament Meeting I had a little anxiety, but I was able to control it. Being able to get up and walk around the foyer helped a lot. It also helped that I was able to hold a friend's little boy.
The next meeting I spent in the foyer holding the baby and working up the courage to go to Relief Society.
Relief Society has been very difficult for me to attend since my depression and anxiety became all consuming. Even stepping into the room has been enough to throw me into a downward spiral of anxiety. I had been talking myself into going for two weeks.
I made a conscious decision to arrive to the Relief Society room early and sit on the back row right next to the door. Doing this I knew I would be able to see out the door and have the ability to walk out if needed. I wasn't planning on leaving though. I wanted to attend and listen to the prepared lesson. I had the perfect spot for me to sit...right next to the door, I had a baby in my arms and one of my best friends sitting next to me.
The Relief Society president walked in and asked me if I wanted to say the prayer. I told her I could say the prayer and leave or not say the prayer and stay for the meeting. She choose someone else to say the prayer.
The meeting started out nice. The door was open and I was semi-comfortable. Opening song was sung and prayer was said. The lesson was getting ready to begin.
Then, coming from the hallway was the sound of men voices. And these men had voices that carried. Eyes were starting to turn to look at the door. One woman stood up and started to shut the door. I kept it open a couple inches so I could still see out the door. A couple minutes later another woman stood up and shut the door all the way. I snuck out because I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in that room without the door open. I needed my security of seeing.
In tears I walked the church looking for my husband. I found him and pulled him out of his class. I burst into tears and told him I just wanted to go home. That I couldn't do it. I wanted to leave and never come back. He calmed me down somewhat and drove me home.
As I sat on my bed crying I tried to figure out exactly what had upset me. Was I upset that I hadn't been able to attend all three meetings? Or, was I upset that the woman in my class, those who should support me, didn't even try to understand what I was feeling?
After some deep thinking I realized I was proud of myself for making it longer at church then I had in years. I had done well! I had succeeded in moving forward with that part of my life. For me it was a success.
I then realized that I was more upset that it seemed no one even wanted to take my feelings into consideration. Not one person came after me to see if I was OK. No one called to check on me. I felt, and continue to feel, that I'm just a small ant that no one truly cares about. I'm hurt.
Yes, the noise coming from the hallway was louder than it could have been. But, leaving the door open just a couple of inches would have made it manageable for me. Am I being selfish with feeling this way? Should I not have become so upset over something that would have made class easier for me? Am I right to be feeling as though I don't matter? Is there a right way or wrong way for me to feel? That depends on who you are. However (and this has taken me years to understand), I have the right to feel how I feel, and NO ONE can tell me that it's wrong.
Now, am I going to let the this event stop me from attending church. No. However, it will be some time before I'm comfortable even attempting to attend Relief Society again. I'll go to Sacrament Meeting and then sit in the hall waiting for the rest of the family to finish up their classes. Yes, I'm hurt. But, I go to church for me, not for others. I just have to remind myself that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect, but the members of the church are not.
So, as I go forward, I'll take what I can get and feel good about what I'm able to accomplish, not what I'm not able to do.
A few Sundays ago I was having what would be considered a good day for me. I felt up to going to church, which doesn't happen on a regular basis. I showered on Saturday night so I could sleep in on Sunday morning. I was able to get up, get ready and be to church on time.
During Sacrament Meeting I had a little anxiety, but I was able to control it. Being able to get up and walk around the foyer helped a lot. It also helped that I was able to hold a friend's little boy.
The next meeting I spent in the foyer holding the baby and working up the courage to go to Relief Society.
Relief Society has been very difficult for me to attend since my depression and anxiety became all consuming. Even stepping into the room has been enough to throw me into a downward spiral of anxiety. I had been talking myself into going for two weeks.
I made a conscious decision to arrive to the Relief Society room early and sit on the back row right next to the door. Doing this I knew I would be able to see out the door and have the ability to walk out if needed. I wasn't planning on leaving though. I wanted to attend and listen to the prepared lesson. I had the perfect spot for me to sit...right next to the door, I had a baby in my arms and one of my best friends sitting next to me.
The Relief Society president walked in and asked me if I wanted to say the prayer. I told her I could say the prayer and leave or not say the prayer and stay for the meeting. She choose someone else to say the prayer.
The meeting started out nice. The door was open and I was semi-comfortable. Opening song was sung and prayer was said. The lesson was getting ready to begin.
Then, coming from the hallway was the sound of men voices. And these men had voices that carried. Eyes were starting to turn to look at the door. One woman stood up and started to shut the door. I kept it open a couple inches so I could still see out the door. A couple minutes later another woman stood up and shut the door all the way. I snuck out because I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in that room without the door open. I needed my security of seeing.
In tears I walked the church looking for my husband. I found him and pulled him out of his class. I burst into tears and told him I just wanted to go home. That I couldn't do it. I wanted to leave and never come back. He calmed me down somewhat and drove me home.
As I sat on my bed crying I tried to figure out exactly what had upset me. Was I upset that I hadn't been able to attend all three meetings? Or, was I upset that the woman in my class, those who should support me, didn't even try to understand what I was feeling?
After some deep thinking I realized I was proud of myself for making it longer at church then I had in years. I had done well! I had succeeded in moving forward with that part of my life. For me it was a success.
I then realized that I was more upset that it seemed no one even wanted to take my feelings into consideration. Not one person came after me to see if I was OK. No one called to check on me. I felt, and continue to feel, that I'm just a small ant that no one truly cares about. I'm hurt.
Yes, the noise coming from the hallway was louder than it could have been. But, leaving the door open just a couple of inches would have made it manageable for me. Am I being selfish with feeling this way? Should I not have become so upset over something that would have made class easier for me? Am I right to be feeling as though I don't matter? Is there a right way or wrong way for me to feel? That depends on who you are. However (and this has taken me years to understand), I have the right to feel how I feel, and NO ONE can tell me that it's wrong.
Now, am I going to let the this event stop me from attending church. No. However, it will be some time before I'm comfortable even attempting to attend Relief Society again. I'll go to Sacrament Meeting and then sit in the hall waiting for the rest of the family to finish up their classes. Yes, I'm hurt. But, I go to church for me, not for others. I just have to remind myself that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect, but the members of the church are not.
So, as I go forward, I'll take what I can get and feel good about what I'm able to accomplish, not what I'm not able to do.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
Fear vs. Faith
Stop. Help Me.
I can’t move.
I can’t talk.
I can’t hear.
Stop. Help Me.
Stop. Help Me.
I can’t see.
I can’t feel.
I can’t be.
Stop. Help Me.
Fear. What do you fear? I fear many things. I fear closed-in spaces. I fear heights. I fear flying. I fear groups of people. I fear embarrassment. I fear failure. I fear loss. I fear love. I fear my feelings. I fear rejection. I fear faith.
You might ask how can I fear faith. Are fear and faith not the antithesis of each other? By definition they are. I use to think that my faith was greater than my fear. Now, my fear causes me to question my faith. I want to overcome my fear and instead, let my faith be my anchor.
In the book of 2 Timothy in the New Testament, we are told, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) If our loving heavenly Father gives us the spirit of love and faith, who gives us the spirit of Fear? Where faith is the opposite of fear, it stands to reason that fear comes from Satan, who is the opposite of God.
As I’ve been thinking about my fear and my faith I have finally decided that it is time to start moving past my fear, and not only put my faith in God, but I need to start living by my faith not my fear. How am I going to live by my faith not my fear? The only answer I have is small steps and one day at a time (how cliche, right).
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| St. George LDS Temple |
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| After baptisms/confirmations @ Provo LDS Temple. |
This upcoming trip to the temple is for a very special event. We are attending with Ryan’s brother’s and sister’s-in-law, to seal his dad to his grandparents. Where this is such a great event, I have been preparing mentally to be able to attend. Do I believe this will be a walk in the park? Nope. I know my anxiety will rise and it will take my whole entire will to get through that day. But I am determined to make it.
I know attending the temple once isn’t going to take my fear completely away, but I know it is the first step to take. As I work to overcome my fears I know it isn’t going to be easy or disappear right away. Where fear has ruled my life for three years, I expect it will take at least the next three years to rewire my brain to turn to my faith instead of my fear.
In his initial talk as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Quentin L. Cook talked about faith and fear. His talk, Live by Faith and Not by Fear, he said,
“When we choose to follow Christ in faith rather than choosing another path out of fear, we are blessed with a consequence that is consistent with our choice.” (October 2007: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/11/live-by-faith-and-not-by-fear.p1?lang=eng)
I look forward to my “consequences” from choosing faith over fear.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
We Believe
As I’ve contemplated what I’d like to put on here to share our life; happiness and sadness, good and bad, struggles and achievements with you I realized that a lot of our life is good and our accomplishments because of what we believe. Many will not understand some concepts that I know we will be talking about here. I feel a need to explain some of these concepts that we not only believe, but we KNOW are true!
This might be boring to read, but I feel it will help you understand future posts. I’m going to list and explain these concepts.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: This is the name of the church we belong to. We are more commonly referred to as Mormons.
Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ: This book is scripture, comparable to the Bible. However, we also believe in the Bible.
Doctrine & Covenants (D&C): This is another book of scripture. The Doctrine & Covenants are “revelations and inspired declarations given for the establishment and regulation of the kingdom of God on the earth in the last days.” 1
General Conference: This is a bi-yearly general meeting for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In these meetings we are taught by our Prophet, Apostles and other Leaders. The meetings take place the first weekend of April and then again in October.
Atonement: “The word describes the setting, ‘at one’ of those who have been estranged and denotes the reconciliation of man to God. …The purpose of atonement is to correct or overcome the consequences of sin. Jesus Christ, as the Only Begotten Son of God and the only sinless person to live on this earth, was the only one capable of making an atonement for mankind. His divine Sonship, His sinless life, the shedding of His blood in the garden of Gethsemane, His death on the cross and subsequent bodily resurrection from the grave, He made a perfect atonement for mankind. All are covered unconditionally as pertaining to the Fall of Adam.” 2
Forever Family: We believe that families can be together forever. We can be sealed in a temple for not only time, but all eternity.
Temple: There are 151 operating temples, 4 are in a renovation stage, 15 are under new construction, and 11 have been announced. “In the temple we are taught, we make covenants, and we are promised blessings.” 3
Family History: We believe that we are linked to our ancestors forever. We research our ancestors and then we, as proxy’s, go to the temple and perform the needed ordinances.
Missionary: Usually a young man or young woman who leaves their family and serves the Lord by teaching the Gospel to others. There are also couple missionaries who serve. (If interested in meeting with a missionary, please let me know. I will help get you in touch with one.)
Priesthood: We believe there are two levels of Priesthood, the Aaronic and Melchezidek. The priesthood is held by worthy men in the Church. They use this priesthood for good. Some ways the priesthood is used include; blessings and ordinances.
Articles of Faith: There are 13 statements outlining Latter-day Saint beliefs. These statements were given by Joseph Smith to an editor of the Chicago Democrat. These statements explain what we believe.
I’m sure over time there will be other concepts we need to explain and we will explain those as they arise.
I firmly believe in these concepts. I know with all my heart and mind that these are true, and that we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows all and won’t give us more than we can handle (although at times it seems we have too much to handle). I know that we have a living prophet on earth. I know that families are forever. I’m so thankful for this knowledge, and knowing I will always be with my loved ones. I know that through the Atonement of Christ, not only can I be forgiven of my sins, but I also know that Christ felt every little pain I have, and will feel. I know that Christ is my elder brother, and that he loves me unconditionally. I know the power of the Priesthood can be used for good. The Priesthood has been used many times to help me feel better. This knowledge brings much comfort to me. I believe the 13 statements, known as the Articles of Faith, are true. They simply explain, better than I could, what we believe. I know that as I read the scriptures and pray about my decisions, the Lord will continue to bless, not only me, but my family. My testimony is strong. I KNOW the Gospel is true, and I KNOW that I can be guided to help others. Again, I KNOW I have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy and succeed. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
#1. Doctrine & Covenants Introduction.
#2. Bible Dictionary: Atonement.
#3. www.lds.org. “What Happens in Temples.”
This might be boring to read, but I feel it will help you understand future posts. I’m going to list and explain these concepts.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: This is the name of the church we belong to. We are more commonly referred to as Mormons.
Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ: This book is scripture, comparable to the Bible. However, we also believe in the Bible.
Doctrine & Covenants (D&C): This is another book of scripture. The Doctrine & Covenants are “revelations and inspired declarations given for the establishment and regulation of the kingdom of God on the earth in the last days.” 1
General Conference: This is a bi-yearly general meeting for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In these meetings we are taught by our Prophet, Apostles and other Leaders. The meetings take place the first weekend of April and then again in October.
Atonement: “The word describes the setting, ‘at one’ of those who have been estranged and denotes the reconciliation of man to God. …The purpose of atonement is to correct or overcome the consequences of sin. Jesus Christ, as the Only Begotten Son of God and the only sinless person to live on this earth, was the only one capable of making an atonement for mankind. His divine Sonship, His sinless life, the shedding of His blood in the garden of Gethsemane, His death on the cross and subsequent bodily resurrection from the grave, He made a perfect atonement for mankind. All are covered unconditionally as pertaining to the Fall of Adam.” 2
Forever Family: We believe that families can be together forever. We can be sealed in a temple for not only time, but all eternity.
Temple: There are 151 operating temples, 4 are in a renovation stage, 15 are under new construction, and 11 have been announced. “In the temple we are taught, we make covenants, and we are promised blessings.” 3
Family History: We believe that we are linked to our ancestors forever. We research our ancestors and then we, as proxy’s, go to the temple and perform the needed ordinances.
Missionary: Usually a young man or young woman who leaves their family and serves the Lord by teaching the Gospel to others. There are also couple missionaries who serve. (If interested in meeting with a missionary, please let me know. I will help get you in touch with one.)
Priesthood: We believe there are two levels of Priesthood, the Aaronic and Melchezidek. The priesthood is held by worthy men in the Church. They use this priesthood for good. Some ways the priesthood is used include; blessings and ordinances.
Articles of Faith: There are 13 statements outlining Latter-day Saint beliefs. These statements were given by Joseph Smith to an editor of the Chicago Democrat. These statements explain what we believe.
I’m sure over time there will be other concepts we need to explain and we will explain those as they arise.
I firmly believe in these concepts. I know with all my heart and mind that these are true, and that we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows all and won’t give us more than we can handle (although at times it seems we have too much to handle). I know that we have a living prophet on earth. I know that families are forever. I’m so thankful for this knowledge, and knowing I will always be with my loved ones. I know that through the Atonement of Christ, not only can I be forgiven of my sins, but I also know that Christ felt every little pain I have, and will feel. I know that Christ is my elder brother, and that he loves me unconditionally. I know the power of the Priesthood can be used for good. The Priesthood has been used many times to help me feel better. This knowledge brings much comfort to me. I believe the 13 statements, known as the Articles of Faith, are true. They simply explain, better than I could, what we believe. I know that as I read the scriptures and pray about my decisions, the Lord will continue to bless, not only me, but my family. My testimony is strong. I KNOW the Gospel is true, and I KNOW that I can be guided to help others. Again, I KNOW I have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy and succeed. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
#1. Doctrine & Covenants Introduction.
#2. Bible Dictionary: Atonement.
#3. www.lds.org. “What Happens in Temples.”
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