Why I Take Medicine for my Depression and Anxiety

My health history would not only surprise some, but it would bore some to death. Just to give you a sneak peek into my health, here's some information. Not only do I suffer from depression and anxiety but I also have diabetes, Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, migraines, and a host of other issues. 

There are some who question whether or not medicine is beneficial or needed to treat mental diseases. Yes, even I have friends and family members who are naysayers. I have been told "life will get better", "You need to think positive", and one of my favorite, "It's all in your head". Of course it's all in my head. I have a mental disease and without a brain my issues wouldn't exist.

A number of years ago when I was being treated for high blood pressure I was being seen by a wonderful doctor. I was in my late 20s and struggling with having to take medicine daily. My doctor asked me the only question he knew would make me take my medicine regularly. "Do you want to see your children graduate high school and get married?" I immediately started crying. How could he be so mean? How could he even question my love for my children? After I calmed down I told him that yes I wanted to be around for those events. His response, "Well, you need to take your damn medicine"!

This exclamation was an eyeopener for me. Was taking medication for my high blood pressure really going to help me live longer? I decided taking it was a necessity.

Fast forward five years and I still have high blood pressure, but I've now been diagnosed with diabetes and my depression. I have a new doctor and I'm extremely hesitant to take meds for my depression. 

It is socially unacceptable and an embarrassment to take medicine for depression. I should be able to deal with my depression on my own. My life is ideal, why do I suffer from depression? All these thoughts went through my mind, and were verbally said to me. I was heartbroken. How could I admit to having a mental disease if no one believed me or supported me? 

Once again at my doctor visit he begins asking me questions. 

Doc:  "Do you take medicine for your high blood pressure?"

Me: "Yes."

Doc: "Do you take medicine for your diabetes?"

Me: "Of course."

Doc: "Why is it OK for you to take medicine for these diseases, but not for your depression?"

Me: "I could die if I don't take my other medicine."

Doc: "The same thing could happen if we don't control your depression."

It was hard to hear this, but it was what I needed to hear. At that time I was able to stay on the medicine for a year and then go off it for a number of years. 

Sadly, three years later I was hospitalized and have not been able to get off medicine for my depression and anxiety.

I no longer feel that it is wrong to take medicine for a mental disease. I can admit that I will be on medication for the rest of my life, and I'm OK with that. My life is still great. I have a loving husband who spoils me, two wonderful children who make being a mom easy, and family and friends who, I hope, are beginning to understand a little more about mental illness.

So, the answer to why do I take medicine for my mental diseases is this: I want to be a mom. I want to live and see my children graduate from school. I want to see them get married. Above all, I want to be a mom to my children in the here and now. I want to be a mom they can say was there for them, and who loves them with all my heart. I don't have to be 100% all the time, but me at 30% is still better than me at 0%. And the only way for me to be this mom is to take my medicine.

2016...We Survived

We Survived

This past year can be described in two words...We Survived.

Ryan and I survived our 16-year-anniversary.

We survived Ryan's job change.

We survived Abby's near-obsession with family history.

We survived a trip to Barnes and Noble and Deseret Book for Joanie's 14th birthday.

We survived Joanie babysitting all summer. 

We survived Joanie growing 3-4 inches.
 
We survived Hunter turning 12 and entering junior high.

We survived Hunter growing 6-7 inches, making him taller than Joanie and Abby (this was a BIG survival).

We survived Hunter's first-seven-day scout camping trip (Abby by a hair).

We survived the death of Abby's granny and grandpa.

We survived the death of our beloved Shih tzu, Winky.

We survived getting a new puppy, Charley.

We survived two weddings in one day.
We survived Abby having back surgery, again.

We survived Joanie having her lingual tonsils out (2-days before Christmas).

We survived Abby's parents starting a 2-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

We survived multiple short road trips; including trips to South Dakota, California, Las Vegas, and Beaver Dam. 

We survived having our friend and her three daughters move in with us 2 1/2 weeks before Christmas.

Above all, we survived another year of Abby being in constant pain, and the depression and anxiety that comes from being in that much pain.

Here's to 2017!

 

Fear vs. Faith

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t move.

I can’t talk.

I can’t hear.

Stop. Help Me.

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t see.

I can’t feel.

I can’t be.

Stop. Help Me.

Fear. What do you fear? I fear many things. I fear closed-in spaces. I fear heights. I fear flying. I fear groups of people. I fear embarrassment. I fear failure. I fear loss. I fear love. I fear my feelings. I fear rejection. I fear faith.

You might ask how can I fear faith. Are fear and faith not the antithesis of each other? By definition they are. I use to think that my faith was greater than my fear. Now, my fear causes me to question my faith. I want to overcome my fear and instead, let my faith be my anchor.

In the book of 2 Timothy in the New Testament, we are told, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) If our loving heavenly Father gives us the spirit of love and faith, who gives us the spirit of Fear? Where faith is the opposite of fear, it stands to reason that fear comes from Satan, who is the opposite of God.

As I’ve been thinking about my fear and my faith I have finally decided that it is time to start moving past my fear, and not only put my faith in God, but I need to start living by my faith not my fear. How am I going to live by my faith not my fear? The only answer I have is small steps and one day at a time (how cliche, right).

St. George LDS Temple

What am I going to do to begin? First, I’m preparing to go to the St. George Temple in a week and a half. The temple use to be a place I could go and feel peace and comfort. However, other than going and doing baptisms and confirmations for the dead with Ryan, Joanie and Hunter, I have not been in the temple for more than a year, and in the past three years I have only been once. Am I proud of this, absolutely not. Do I have valid reasons, to me I do. Attending the temple I am faced with four large fears. There are small rooms, groups of people, I can become embarrassed and I fear what I will feel in the temple. 

After baptisms/confirmations @ Provo LDS Temple.

 This upcoming trip to the temple is for a very special event. We are attending with Ryan’s brother’s and sister’s-in-law, to seal his dad to his grandparents. Where this is such a great event, I have been preparing mentally to be able to attend. Do I believe this will be a walk in the park? Nope. I know my anxiety will rise and it will take my whole entire will to get through that day. But I am determined to make it.

I know attending the temple once isn’t going to take my fear completely away, but I know it is the first step to take. As I work to overcome my fears I know it isn’t going to be easy or disappear right away. Where fear has ruled my life for three years, I expect it will take at least the next three years to rewire my brain to turn to my faith instead of my fear.

In his initial talk as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Quentin L. Cook talked about faith and fear. His talk, Live by Faith and Not by Fear, he said, 

“When we choose to follow Christ in faith rather than choosing another path out of fear, we are blessed with a consequence that is consistent with our choice.” (October 2007: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/11/live-by-faith-and-not-by-fear.p1?lang=eng)

I look forward to my “consequences” from choosing faith over fear.

Death Sucks

Death sucks!

Not only is death hard on everyone involved, it's a painful, and sometimes difficult issue to discuss with your children. It is so heartbreaking to watch your child sob uncontrollably about anything, but even harder for a time when you are grieving yourself.

Our family has gone through a plethora of deaths in the last two years. We have lost Ryan's dad, two of my cousins, my aunt, my granny and now my grandfather. My children have experienced death at such a young age, that it is heartbreaking to tell them another person they love has died.

Now, I'm not saying that I regret my children growing up with so many people to love, and be loved in return. No, I'm thankful for how blessed my children have been. They have been blessed to not only know both sets of grandparents, but they have known four of their great grandparents. And not just know who they are, but actually KNOW them and have a relationship with them.t

Although I originally thought it was rare for children to know their great grandparents, I found out the percentage is actually higher. In an article in 2006, in the New York Times, "Here Come the great-grandparents", writer By STEPHANIE ROSENBLOOM reports that by 2030 about 70% of 8 year olds will be living with their great grandparents. WOW!! That number astounds me. However, I also know that knowing your GREAT grandparents, and knowing them well, is unique, and special in many ways. My children have been blessed in this aspect.

Sadly, experiencing so much death has made my children sensitive to death. However, with the knowledge and testimony of eternal families we KNOW we will see our loved ones again. The peace we receive with this great faith helps lessen the pain of losing our loved ones. As each of our faith grows we come to a more secure knowledge and comfort of love that we will be reunited with our loved ones.

So, today as many of my friends decide who to cheer for in the annual "Holy War" between BYU and Utah, my family will be celebrating my grandpa's life.

A man who loved all completely and unconditionally. A man who not only fiercely loved his country, but fought to keep it free. A man who loved his family fiercely. A man whose testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was so strong that many drew from his testimony in times of question. A man who without fail made you feel as though you were the most special and important person in his life. A man who loved his wife so strongly that no one could question his love for her. A man who enjoyed and loved his 10 children, 27 grandchildren, and 12 great-grandchildren with such loyalty and love it couldn't be questioned. A man I am proud to call my grandpa.

So as my friends cheer for their favorite team (of which I could care less) I will be doing something not as fun, but much more meaningful. I will be celebrating Grandpa's life.

I LOVE you Grandpa Edwards. I'm so grateful for all you taught me and for the love you showed to my family. I know you are in a better place and not in pain anymore. You have been reunited with many of your ancestors, and with Grandma and Grandpa Bohman. I will always remember your love and your amazing testimony.

Please watch over our family. Until we meet again may the Lord watch over all your descendants. We all love you.

Trying

This week has been a TRYING week.

I’ve been TRYING to deal with my pain.
I’ve been TRYING to understand why I have to feel such pain.
I’ve been TRYING to be patient with all my health issues.
I‘ve been TRYING to understand what each pain stands for.

I’ve been TRYING to ignore the gloom that wants to descend on me.
I’ve been TRYING to keep my emotions clear.
I’ve been TRYING to be patient with my children and husband.
I’ve been TRYING to love my family unconditionally.

I’ve been TRYING to remain optimistic about life.
I’ve been TRYING to accept my destiny.
I’ve been TRYING to remember the reasons for pushing forward.
I’ve been TRYING to remember that I am worth it.

I’ve been TRYING to remember I’m a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.
Above all, I’ve been TRYING to remember that I have pain, but the pain is NOT me.

5 Sayings that Don't Help Me

            I have been reading a lot of lists online describing other’s depression and anxiety, and what it is to them. Some I can relate to 100%, but others, because our issues are all different, I can’t even fathom what they are feeling. So, with the feeling of needing to get some more understanding on MY anxiety and depression, I have figured out five sayings that do nothing to help my anxiety and depression. Some of these sayings actually make me feel worse.

#1            It’s ALL in Your Head.

Well, not to sound rude, but duh, I have a mental illness; therefore it is in my head. However, it is not ALL in my head. My anxiety fuels my depression, and my depression fuels my body and energy.

The best way to explain this is as follows: A flower needs sunshine, water and good soil to grow. Without one of these the flower will never shine.

Focus on the words “good soil” for a minute. If I plant two flowers in different flowerbeds depending on how the flowerbed is taken care of will help determine how the flower grows. So, I plant one in a flowerbed that has been tended to. It has been cleared of any objects that could stunt the growth of a flower. The flowers are placed in areas where they are most likely to grow. This flowerbed is tended to daily. It is given water when dry, and is weeded of any negative objects. This flower starts to grow. For many people this is the life they live. They throw out the bad, don’t let it sink in and grow and shine beautifully.

Now, lets talk about the other flower. The other flower is also originally planted in a well-cared for flowerbed. It has been removed of all foreign material. However, this flowerbed is not in the perfect spot to receive the amount of sunlight it needs. This flower is not attended to in such loving ways as #1. Eventually weeds grow and the flower starts doubting its beauty. The flower wonders why all the other flowers around it are blooming into gorgeous flowers. Slowly its anxiety grows because it is not as “perfect” as the other flowers. As the anxiety grows, the depression (weeds) starts to pull it down. The flower no longer wants to be seen, so it tries to hide from everyone and everything. The depression (weeds) have now taken over the flowers body (root system) and is taking the fuel the flower needs.

Trust me, if all my anxiety and depression was JUST in my head, I think I could handle it, but alas, it is not.

#2            Why don’t you ever volunteer for such and such an event?

Next to being a good mommy and wife, there is nothing I would rather do than spend my time serving others. Because of my anxiety, I can be excited about volunteering and getting out of the house, but fear of if I’ll be able to fulfill my responsibilities keeps me from volunteering.

Here’s how my mind works: I volunteer and am excited. I work excitedly for a week or two, than I start questioning my thoughts and ideas. Slowly my anxiety climbs and I am unable to fulfill my responsibility. So, the idea of volunteering is wonderful, but for me, I never know what type of day I’ll have, so it is a challenge for me to volunteer in advance to do something, for fear of being “unreliable”.

#3            If you would just get out of bed you wouldn’t have your anxiety and be depressed.

            Excuse my language, but that is a donkey’s butt comment. There are days that I literally, other than using the bathroom, CANNOT get out of bed. That is how debilitating and exhausting my anxiety and depression can become.

            Yes, I’m fully aware that studies say getting out of bed, exercising, blah, blah, blah will help with depression. However, not ONE of those studies included me, and I am an enigma to the norm. My mind and body are not like the other 99.8% (I totally made up that percentage) of the human race who deal with anxiety and depression.

            Now, I usually (you notice I said usually) do get myself up out of bed for the day. That’s about all I can do for THE WHOLE DANG DAY!! Just getting out of bed and making myself walk down the stairs to get something to eat has pretty much used all my spoons for the day. (If you don’t know what the spoon theory is, here’s a link http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/, go read about it.

            Then if I have plans for one day, I KNOW I have to plan on the day or two before, and the day or two after, not to plan ANYTHING! I will need to conserve my spoons beforehand, and then get them back the following days. It’s a never-ending cycle.

            So, if you tell me to just get out of bed, expect an eye roll at the least, with me possibly calling you stupid at the worst.

#4            How are you feeling?

For me, this is one of the WORST questions to be asked. Truthfully, because I don’t know if you really want to know how I’m doing, or if asking because it's what society expects one to ask. I also feel it is one of the dumbest questions ever created. From anything such as depression and anxiety to losing a loved one, “How do I feel?” are you kidding me? What a ridiculous question. I hurt, I can’t tell you what’s wrong, because more than half the time I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, I feel guilty because I’m not a better wife and mother, I feel sad because I so desperately want to get out of the house for a girls night, but have such overwhelming anxiety I don’t dare make plans and then cancel; therefore, disappointing friends…again, and for the most part I can tell if I’m truly being asked or if it’s just a conversation starter.

#5            It’s going to get easier. Look how far you’ve come.

DON’T. EVER. SAY. THESE. TO. ME.!! You have no idea what I’m going through. Even if you’ve had anxiety and depression, yours is a completely different story than mine. Logically thinking, it has to get easier, but when I’m in a funk or struggling, telling me it is going to get easier, and than telling me to look at how far I’ve come in the last so many months/years, is NOT helping.

Of course, this list is not complete. I have what feels like thousands of more sayings, but in all likely-hood are less than 100, that I would love to share with everyone. As with all illnesses, both seen and unseen, I cannot tell you how others feel; I can only tell you how I feel, and what upsets me or makes life easier for me. This list will continue to grow, and I’ll try to keep updates on our blog at http://anxietyanddepressionasafamily.blogspot.com/.

Last, but not least . . . Hunter

When I'm asked to describe Hunter it is extremely difficult. The clearest answer is "Hunter is Hunter."

It would take hours, if not days,  to accurately describe Hunter. Hunter is the life of the party. He loves making people laugh. He is tenderhearted and cares about everyone. He wants everyone to be happy. He has the ability to make everyone feel welcome and loved. He loves serving those around him. I could keep going and never end, but there's more to tell about Hunter.

Hunter is 11, almost 12 years old. He turns 12 in March. He loves the Gospel of Jesus Christ with a love unsurpassed. His testimony and faith is so strong it amazes me. With such a strong testimony there are times I lean on his testimony to help me through difficult times.

Hunter has the spirit of missionary work in his heart. He loves going and sitting in on discussions with the missionaries. He is excited about going on a mission. With his ability to make everyone feel welcome and loved, he will be a wonderful missionary.

Hunter has been a huge help the last few years. He has been my snuggle-buddy through it all. He knows when I need a hug and he searches me out to give me that hug. He does what's asked of him, with little to no complaining. He is his sister's biggest advocate and friend. He is an awesome tween who is well-liked by others.

Hunter brings light and happiness to those he comes in contact with. I am so blessed to have him for a son.

My Life is a Gift

I had no plans to write another post this week, but I have been in bed for three hours with the song "I Will Follow God's Plan" going through my mind over and over again. I first learned this song when I was in Primary (a child's program for children 3-11 years of age for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I haven't thought of the song in quite some years, but over the past few months, it has been a constant in my mind. The lyrics and music were written in 1981 by Vanja Y. Watkins, they are:

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in heav'n it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God's plan for me,

Holding fast to his word and his love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

I know of many who have questions regarding life. Generally, the three top questions are:

1: Who am I?

2: Why am I here?

3: Where am I going?

As I have suffered with my depression and anxiety I have asked these questions time and time again. This song answers these three questions in such simplicity that even children as young as three can answer these questions.

1: Who am I? I am a daughter of a loving Father in Heaven. I am the sister of a man, so perfect, that he was unable to live longer than 33 years before being crucified for me. 

In October 2013, just after being released from Salt Lake Behavioral Health, was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints bi-yearly General Conference. On Saturday, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk touched me in ways that I thought unimaginable. He said, 

"Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

This answers the question of Who am I?

2: Why am I here? As we sing in "I Will Follow God's Plan", I am here because my life is a gift and it has a plan and purpose. I chose to come to earth and agreed to these struggles (knowing this does not make the suffering any easier). I chose to come seek and ask for God's light to direct me in his plan for my life. Giving up control is one of the hardest things anyone can do. I still struggle with control on a daily basis. 

There are times I think, Why me? What am I doing wrong? What am I supposed to be learning? For we all have struggles to learn what we don't have. These questions do NOT come from my Heavenly Father, but they come from a being so insensitive and cruel that he was cast out of Heaven in the preexistence. That's right, I speak of Lucifer, or better known as Satan. He does NOT want me to be happy. He wants my struggles to blind me to the love of my Father in Heaven and family. He wants me to drag myself to a place where I cannot return from. That is what Satan wants from me. I refuse to give in, and will push myself to the extreme to prove to myself and Christ that he did not die in vain because of me.

3: Where am I going? I will be happy in my home above. I am going to heaven. I will be reunited with my grandparents, friends, and family who have left this earth already. I will see and understand why I am going through this pain. I will be welcomed with open arms by my loving Heavenly Father, and my brother Jesus Christ.

So, as I think of this song, and the season that we are just ending. I think of love and hope for the new year. I think of survival and understanding, not just for me, but for my family. And I think, I did it. I made it through 2015 without succumbing to Satan's grasp. I am a survivor and I will continue to survive, and hopefully one day, live my life to it's fullest. Therefore, following God's plan for me!

If interested you can listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing "My Life is a Gift," by clicking on the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VdEZ5EwS1s