One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...Oh, how I loathe this saying. I have heard it many times over the past few years, and if I never hear it again it will be too soon.

Three years ago my depression and anxiety was so severe that the decision was made for me to be hospitalized. I was hospitalized for a total of three weeks. I was hospitalized for one week the first time, and then I was re-hospitalized a week later for two weeks. I was at my lowest point ever. I had no desire to live or push forward. It was pure hell.

At this time in my life I felt I had nothing to to live for. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved Ryan and Joanie and Hunter, but the pain was so unbearable I didn't feel I could continue. The pain that came from my depression and anxiety was, and is, all-encompassing. There is not a point on my body that didn't hurt. I hurt emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. It felt too hard to continue forward in this life. 

I can look at this time in my life in two different ways...I was either extremely blessed or extremely lucky. Where my faith has been such an integral part of my healing I have to go with being extremely blessed. As I've been looking through my journal from my time in the hospital I can see the Lord's hand in my life. At the time it was not easy to turn to the Lord, but over the past few years as my faith has grown it's become easier to turn to the Lord for help.

As I've been looking back through my journal I see the scriptures and inspiration I received from the apostles and prophets. I see where they worked into my life without my knowledge. One of the opportunities was listening to the 2013 October General Conference. On that Saturday afternoon I had made a trip to Salt Lake to get a dog for me. On the way back Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a member of the Quorum of the 12, gave a talk. His talk was titled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk helped me in so many ways. I know it didn't help only me, because I saw the impact on Joanie's life. 

As I was driving home from Salt Lake I received a number of calls from family and friends asking me if I had heard this talk. Granted, I only heard a little of it. The caller who impressed me the most was Joanie. At the time she was she was 11 years old, almost 12. She called me and told me I HAD to watch and listen to this talk by Elder Holland. She then began to tell me what inspiration she had received while listening to Elder Holland. 

I can tell you this, it is extraordinarily humbling to have your child teach you. I was, and continue to be, amazed with how close to the Holy Ghost Joanie was. Even three years later she listens to conference diligently and with hope of hearing the prophet or apostles teach from the Lord. This talk touched us both so deeply that we have printed off and read and reread it multiple times.

In his talk Elder Holland said, "So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

This poignant part of his talk has helped me push forward in my most troubling times. I can now look back and see the times when Satan wanted to drag me under, and not let me succeed. But now I can see the Lord's hands pulling me to him, encouraging me to never lose my faith, to remember the atonement and to seek for understanding. I love the quote from President Thomas S. Monson.

“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”

So many times have I felt the Lord's love for me. I have not only felt the love from my Heavenly Father, but I have felt the love from Jesus Christ. I have developed a better understanding of the atonement; particularly that the atonement is not only for those who sin.

One talk that gave me a better understanding of the atonement was given in 2012 by Elder David A. Bednar. He spoke at a BYU devotional. He said,

"Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully."

Before my depression and anxiety became all consuming I did not realize that the atonement is there to help me become a better person and move forward in this life. Learning more about the atonement has been integral in my stepping forward. 

At times I still take one step forward and two steps back, but I can now see my progress. I recognize that now my forward steps are large and my two steps back are more like shuffles. 

To end this I want to share something I learned while in the hospital. I had been reading the Book of Mormon and was in Alma. Alma 33:18 & 21 it reads, "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

My faith has sustained me and will continue to sustain me through the difficult times in my life. 

Talks Quoted: 
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/liahona/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng
 
 

My Life is a Gift

I had no plans to write another post this week, but I have been in bed for three hours with the song "I Will Follow God's Plan" going through my mind over and over again. I first learned this song when I was in Primary (a child's program for children 3-11 years of age for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I haven't thought of the song in quite some years, but over the past few months, it has been a constant in my mind. The lyrics and music were written in 1981 by Vanja Y. Watkins, they are:

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in heav'n it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God's plan for me,

Holding fast to his word and his love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

I know of many who have questions regarding life. Generally, the three top questions are:

1: Who am I?

2: Why am I here?

3: Where am I going?

As I have suffered with my depression and anxiety I have asked these questions time and time again. This song answers these three questions in such simplicity that even children as young as three can answer these questions.

1: Who am I? I am a daughter of a loving Father in Heaven. I am the sister of a man, so perfect, that he was unable to live longer than 33 years before being crucified for me. 

In October 2013, just after being released from Salt Lake Behavioral Health, was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints bi-yearly General Conference. On Saturday, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk touched me in ways that I thought unimaginable. He said, 

"Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

This answers the question of Who am I?

2: Why am I here? As we sing in "I Will Follow God's Plan", I am here because my life is a gift and it has a plan and purpose. I chose to come to earth and agreed to these struggles (knowing this does not make the suffering any easier). I chose to come seek and ask for God's light to direct me in his plan for my life. Giving up control is one of the hardest things anyone can do. I still struggle with control on a daily basis. 

There are times I think, Why me? What am I doing wrong? What am I supposed to be learning? For we all have struggles to learn what we don't have. These questions do NOT come from my Heavenly Father, but they come from a being so insensitive and cruel that he was cast out of Heaven in the preexistence. That's right, I speak of Lucifer, or better known as Satan. He does NOT want me to be happy. He wants my struggles to blind me to the love of my Father in Heaven and family. He wants me to drag myself to a place where I cannot return from. That is what Satan wants from me. I refuse to give in, and will push myself to the extreme to prove to myself and Christ that he did not die in vain because of me.

3: Where am I going? I will be happy in my home above. I am going to heaven. I will be reunited with my grandparents, friends, and family who have left this earth already. I will see and understand why I am going through this pain. I will be welcomed with open arms by my loving Heavenly Father, and my brother Jesus Christ.

So, as I think of this song, and the season that we are just ending. I think of love and hope for the new year. I think of survival and understanding, not just for me, but for my family. And I think, I did it. I made it through 2015 without succumbing to Satan's grasp. I am a survivor and I will continue to survive, and hopefully one day, live my life to it's fullest. Therefore, following God's plan for me!

If interested you can listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing "My Life is a Gift," by clicking on the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VdEZ5EwS1s

Abby (the sufferer)

I apologize for the delay in not having another post. My goal is one entry a week, but when there are holidays, it could be two weeks.

Today I'm going to start introducing our family and whom we represent in our home. Whether it be the suffer, the caretaker, or our children, we all have a story to tell.

As the one who suffers (obviously I'm the one on the right) with the depression and the anxiety it is at times, a challenge to let others in.  However, when my depression became extreme I felt that my Heavenly Father wanted me to talk about what I'm going through and how I'm dealing with these debilitating diseases. It's taken 2 1/2 years to get to this point where I can share our story with the world. Yet, I digress. Let me give some background regarding me.

I was born to two parents who taught us to live righteously. When I was born I came home to three older brothers. Then 3 1/2 years later, my sister was born. We were raised as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We grew up in a small farming town, where surprise, we lived on a farm. We had chickens, sheep, cows, pigs, you get the point. The town was so small, that if we did something in the morning, by the evening our parents knew about it.

Living in a small town, where everybody knows EVERYTHING, was not always fun. But, there are days now where I wish I could go back to those days of freedom and raise my children in a time when we were not constantly on alert for attacks against our great country.

I was blessed to live within walking distance of my paternal grandparents. I have wonderful memories of snapping peas on the patio with my grandma. Other memories of large family parties, and being surrounded by those I loved, and who loved me. 

My maternal grandparents lived in different states, so I didn't see them as much as my Bohman grandparents. I remember some of their visits, but other times, I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood. 

It sounds like I had a wonderful world growing up, right? Why should someone who had so much love and happiness suffer from depression and anxiety? I don't know. If you figure out the answers to those questions, I would love to know. 

I was not gorgeous, I didn't have a lot of talents and I didn't have a lot of close friends, friends yes, but not close ones. When I entered high school I became friends with a group of friends who accepted me for me. This group was the backbone of my teenage years.

It was in the fall of 1994  that I first entered into my journal, "I hate my life." One sentence, but so much pain in that sentence. I would have my good days and bad days, ups and downs, but never to the point of wanting to hurt myself or others. I kept my feelings to myself so I didn't upset my parents. I was the peacekeeper. I hated confrontation, therefore I hid my feelings.

After graduating high school, I moved to Cedar City, Utah to go to school at Southern Utah University. I met my husband and we were married 3 1/2 months later. He was put in my life when the Lord knew I needed him. Almost 3 years later we had our daughter, then 16 months later we had our son. The lights of my life. I had been put on bed rest for two months with our son and ended up having postpartum depression. I was able to pull myself out of that funk. 

Over the years, I would get into a funk and be able to pull myself out of it. Then in 2013, I lost it. I don't remember 2013 for the most part, but I do remember being hospitalized so I could get on some medication to help my moods and my anxiety. 

The last few years have been difficult on our family. We've had to bond together, and come closer as a family to stay a family. I will never be able to express in words the love I have for Ryan and the kids. I can say with certainty that, if it weren't for them, I doubt I'd still be here. They are amazing!