Love

Love. There has been a lot of talk this week about love. However, this brings the question how does one describe love, to my mind.

According to www.dictionary.com, love is defined in the following four ways.

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

 

If you're religious and turn to the scriptures for definitions, the greatest description of love is found in the New Testament in John. 

John 3:16 reads, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

 

As I've thought about love this week, my thoughts have drifted (naturally) to Ryan. The following are ways I KNOW that Ryan loves me.

 

1. Work--Ryan works tirelessly to provide for our family. Regardless of how he feels, he goes to work everyday and works hard to support our family.

 

2. Empathy--Ryan has the greatest empathy of anyone I know. When I am in bed for days, not being able to move, Ryan is there giving to me and trying to understand what I'm going through.  

3. Cook--Ryan works all day and then comes home and cooks for the family. He does this almost every day of the week.

4. Service--Ryan serves not only our family, but serves those around us. 

5. Teach--Ryan teaches our children how to help those in need. He does this by showing Joanie and Hunter how to best help me when I need it. 

There are a lot of other ways Ryan shows love. Ryan is my epitome of love. I was extremely blessed to find Ryan and have him as my husband. 

 

The Lord has blessed our lives for the last 17 years. We have been blessed with two wonderful, loving children. We have been blessed with a love that has withstood multiple obstacles. We have been blessed with numerous friendships in many different places. We have been blessed with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

 

Above all, we have been blessed with the knowledge of being together forever. Our love will span not only generations, but will be one that lasts forever.

 

Why I Take Medicine for my Depression and Anxiety

My health history would not only surprise some, but it would bore some to death. Just to give you a sneak peek into my health, here's some information. Not only do I suffer from depression and anxiety but I also have diabetes, Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, migraines, and a host of other issues. 

There are some who question whether or not medicine is beneficial or needed to treat mental diseases. Yes, even I have friends and family members who are naysayers. I have been told "life will get better", "You need to think positive", and one of my favorite, "It's all in your head". Of course it's all in my head. I have a mental disease and without a brain my issues wouldn't exist.

A number of years ago when I was being treated for high blood pressure I was being seen by a wonderful doctor. I was in my late 20s and struggling with having to take medicine daily. My doctor asked me the only question he knew would make me take my medicine regularly. "Do you want to see your children graduate high school and get married?" I immediately started crying. How could he be so mean? How could he even question my love for my children? After I calmed down I told him that yes I wanted to be around for those events. His response, "Well, you need to take your damn medicine"!

This exclamation was an eyeopener for me. Was taking medication for my high blood pressure really going to help me live longer? I decided taking it was a necessity.

Fast forward five years and I still have high blood pressure, but I've now been diagnosed with diabetes and my depression. I have a new doctor and I'm extremely hesitant to take meds for my depression. 

It is socially unacceptable and an embarrassment to take medicine for depression. I should be able to deal with my depression on my own. My life is ideal, why do I suffer from depression? All these thoughts went through my mind, and were verbally said to me. I was heartbroken. How could I admit to having a mental disease if no one believed me or supported me? 

Once again at my doctor visit he begins asking me questions. 

Doc:  "Do you take medicine for your high blood pressure?"

Me: "Yes."

Doc: "Do you take medicine for your diabetes?"

Me: "Of course."

Doc: "Why is it OK for you to take medicine for these diseases, but not for your depression?"

Me: "I could die if I don't take my other medicine."

Doc: "The same thing could happen if we don't control your depression."

It was hard to hear this, but it was what I needed to hear. At that time I was able to stay on the medicine for a year and then go off it for a number of years. 

Sadly, three years later I was hospitalized and have not been able to get off medicine for my depression and anxiety.

I no longer feel that it is wrong to take medicine for a mental disease. I can admit that I will be on medication for the rest of my life, and I'm OK with that. My life is still great. I have a loving husband who spoils me, two wonderful children who make being a mom easy, and family and friends who, I hope, are beginning to understand a little more about mental illness.

So, the answer to why do I take medicine for my mental diseases is this: I want to be a mom. I want to live and see my children graduate from school. I want to see them get married. Above all, I want to be a mom to my children in the here and now. I want to be a mom they can say was there for them, and who loves them with all my heart. I don't have to be 100% all the time, but me at 30% is still better than me at 0%. And the only way for me to be this mom is to take my medicine.

2016...We Survived

We Survived

This past year can be described in two words...We Survived.

Ryan and I survived our 16-year-anniversary.

We survived Ryan's job change.

We survived Abby's near-obsession with family history.

We survived a trip to Barnes and Noble and Deseret Book for Joanie's 14th birthday.

We survived Joanie babysitting all summer. 

We survived Joanie growing 3-4 inches.
 
We survived Hunter turning 12 and entering junior high.

We survived Hunter growing 6-7 inches, making him taller than Joanie and Abby (this was a BIG survival).

We survived Hunter's first-seven-day scout camping trip (Abby by a hair).

We survived the death of Abby's granny and grandpa.

We survived the death of our beloved Shih tzu, Winky.

We survived getting a new puppy, Charley.

We survived two weddings in one day.
We survived Abby having back surgery, again.

We survived Joanie having her lingual tonsils out (2-days before Christmas).

We survived Abby's parents starting a 2-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

We survived multiple short road trips; including trips to South Dakota, California, Las Vegas, and Beaver Dam. 

We survived having our friend and her three daughters move in with us 2 1/2 weeks before Christmas.

Above all, we survived another year of Abby being in constant pain, and the depression and anxiety that comes from being in that much pain.

Here's to 2017!

 

5 Sayings that Don't Help Me

            I have been reading a lot of lists online describing other’s depression and anxiety, and what it is to them. Some I can relate to 100%, but others, because our issues are all different, I can’t even fathom what they are feeling. So, with the feeling of needing to get some more understanding on MY anxiety and depression, I have figured out five sayings that do nothing to help my anxiety and depression. Some of these sayings actually make me feel worse.

#1            It’s ALL in Your Head.

Well, not to sound rude, but duh, I have a mental illness; therefore it is in my head. However, it is not ALL in my head. My anxiety fuels my depression, and my depression fuels my body and energy.

The best way to explain this is as follows: A flower needs sunshine, water and good soil to grow. Without one of these the flower will never shine.

Focus on the words “good soil” for a minute. If I plant two flowers in different flowerbeds depending on how the flowerbed is taken care of will help determine how the flower grows. So, I plant one in a flowerbed that has been tended to. It has been cleared of any objects that could stunt the growth of a flower. The flowers are placed in areas where they are most likely to grow. This flowerbed is tended to daily. It is given water when dry, and is weeded of any negative objects. This flower starts to grow. For many people this is the life they live. They throw out the bad, don’t let it sink in and grow and shine beautifully.

Now, lets talk about the other flower. The other flower is also originally planted in a well-cared for flowerbed. It has been removed of all foreign material. However, this flowerbed is not in the perfect spot to receive the amount of sunlight it needs. This flower is not attended to in such loving ways as #1. Eventually weeds grow and the flower starts doubting its beauty. The flower wonders why all the other flowers around it are blooming into gorgeous flowers. Slowly its anxiety grows because it is not as “perfect” as the other flowers. As the anxiety grows, the depression (weeds) starts to pull it down. The flower no longer wants to be seen, so it tries to hide from everyone and everything. The depression (weeds) have now taken over the flowers body (root system) and is taking the fuel the flower needs.

Trust me, if all my anxiety and depression was JUST in my head, I think I could handle it, but alas, it is not.

#2            Why don’t you ever volunteer for such and such an event?

Next to being a good mommy and wife, there is nothing I would rather do than spend my time serving others. Because of my anxiety, I can be excited about volunteering and getting out of the house, but fear of if I’ll be able to fulfill my responsibilities keeps me from volunteering.

Here’s how my mind works: I volunteer and am excited. I work excitedly for a week or two, than I start questioning my thoughts and ideas. Slowly my anxiety climbs and I am unable to fulfill my responsibility. So, the idea of volunteering is wonderful, but for me, I never know what type of day I’ll have, so it is a challenge for me to volunteer in advance to do something, for fear of being “unreliable”.

#3            If you would just get out of bed you wouldn’t have your anxiety and be depressed.

            Excuse my language, but that is a donkey’s butt comment. There are days that I literally, other than using the bathroom, CANNOT get out of bed. That is how debilitating and exhausting my anxiety and depression can become.

            Yes, I’m fully aware that studies say getting out of bed, exercising, blah, blah, blah will help with depression. However, not ONE of those studies included me, and I am an enigma to the norm. My mind and body are not like the other 99.8% (I totally made up that percentage) of the human race who deal with anxiety and depression.

            Now, I usually (you notice I said usually) do get myself up out of bed for the day. That’s about all I can do for THE WHOLE DANG DAY!! Just getting out of bed and making myself walk down the stairs to get something to eat has pretty much used all my spoons for the day. (If you don’t know what the spoon theory is, here’s a link http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/, go read about it.

            Then if I have plans for one day, I KNOW I have to plan on the day or two before, and the day or two after, not to plan ANYTHING! I will need to conserve my spoons beforehand, and then get them back the following days. It’s a never-ending cycle.

            So, if you tell me to just get out of bed, expect an eye roll at the least, with me possibly calling you stupid at the worst.

#4            How are you feeling?

For me, this is one of the WORST questions to be asked. Truthfully, because I don’t know if you really want to know how I’m doing, or if asking because it's what society expects one to ask. I also feel it is one of the dumbest questions ever created. From anything such as depression and anxiety to losing a loved one, “How do I feel?” are you kidding me? What a ridiculous question. I hurt, I can’t tell you what’s wrong, because more than half the time I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, I feel guilty because I’m not a better wife and mother, I feel sad because I so desperately want to get out of the house for a girls night, but have such overwhelming anxiety I don’t dare make plans and then cancel; therefore, disappointing friends…again, and for the most part I can tell if I’m truly being asked or if it’s just a conversation starter.

#5            It’s going to get easier. Look how far you’ve come.

DON’T. EVER. SAY. THESE. TO. ME.!! You have no idea what I’m going through. Even if you’ve had anxiety and depression, yours is a completely different story than mine. Logically thinking, it has to get easier, but when I’m in a funk or struggling, telling me it is going to get easier, and than telling me to look at how far I’ve come in the last so many months/years, is NOT helping.

Of course, this list is not complete. I have what feels like thousands of more sayings, but in all likely-hood are less than 100, that I would love to share with everyone. As with all illnesses, both seen and unseen, I cannot tell you how others feel; I can only tell you how I feel, and what upsets me or makes life easier for me. This list will continue to grow, and I’ll try to keep updates on our blog at http://anxietyanddepressionasafamily.blogspot.com/.

Could vs. Should vs. Need

With a title like that I feel like I'm on an episode of Survivor© - Brains vs. Brawn vs. Beauty-. I can assure you, I will NEVER be on a season of Survivor©. I get anxiety just watching the episodes with Ryan.

No, this title actually came to me after reading my good-friend Tia's Facebook post this morning. Tia is an amazing woman who is very in-tune to the Spirit. She has been my friend for more than half my life. I'm grateful for the insight she shares. Her post reads,

"Today I've been thinking a lot about the rich young man who went to Jesus asking what he lacked to attain eternal life. He had lived a righteous life, kept the commandments, and apparently desired to be good. What was he expecting Jesus to tell him? Did he think that there was an additional commandment to keep? Was he thinking he'd be told something new? Did he ever think, even remotely, that he'd be asked to give up his riches? What exactly was he willing to do in order to obtain eternal life, and where was his "cutting off point", to what he wasn't willing to do. Did he even think all these things through, or did he seek out Jesus on a whim or spur of the moment?
When we go to the Lord in our prayers and all what we should do, what do we expect to hear? Do we have an idea of what we might be asked to do? I know I could write a long list of things I could/should improve on. Are those the things I expect Him to tell me? Will i be asked to give up my " riches "? And if so, what "riches" will I be willing to part with?
The young man "went away sorrowful". He wasn't willing to give up his riches. Is there anything that would make me decide to go "away sorrowful", anything in unwilling to part with? I'm guessing that he was sincere when he asked the question. He didn't expect the answer to his question to be something here was unwilling to do. It was obviously something very difficult for him. I think the Lord will ask us to give up our " riches", just as He did this young man. Or just may not be monetary. But it will be difficult. How can we grow and process of it's not?
Just some thoughts floating in my head today . . . any thoughts on the subject?"

Her thoughts started me thinking of concepts I've learned during therapy over the last few years. There have been many concepts and coping skills I've learned over the years. Are they all perfect, do they all work for me, do they all work for everybody? Of course not. However, one concept that has been helpful to me is what I call the Should vs. Need philosophy.  I don't think I can say it any better than my response to Tia's post.

Tia, I think of it this way. You could write your list of could and should ideas, but are they at this time what you NEED to be focusing on. There is a difference between should and need.
One of my favorite phrases I've learned while in therapy is to "get rid of the shoulds" and focus on "my needs".
SHOULD I spend more time worrying about keeping the house clean, OR do I NEED to spend more time playing with my children, and allowing my house not to be spotless. If I get rid of the should and focus on the need, I'll spend more time with my children and less time worrying about my house being clean.
My need overthrows my should, therefore, I throw the should out the window and work on the need in my life.
Just how I've come to understand picking what is the most important things I need to be doing.
I constantly ask myself "should I be doing this" or "do I need to be doing this". It has helped me decide many a decision when I ask myself these two simple questions.

 Using my Should vs. Need philosophy, I have been able to solve other questions that come to mind.

•    Scenario #1: In 1988, President Ezra Taft Benson talked about Flooding the World with the Book of Mormon. He challenged every leader, every teacher, every home, every person to take the Book of Mormon and have it be a part of their life. He challenged us to read the Book of Mormon daily. You can read his talk at Flooding the Earth with the Book of Mormon. 

Now, I take his challenge of focusing on the Book of Mormon with my family, and I figure out what o do.
                                 Should                                                              Need

• Should we read a whole chapter every day?         vs.  Or do we Need to read only a few verses  
•                                                                                      and focus on what we learn?

As I compare my Shoulds and Need, I come to realize that I throw the Should out the Window, because we NEED to focus on what we learn, and teach my children the best way to understand the teachings of the Book of Mormon. In this way the Need is the answer. We might only read five verses a night, but we understand what we read and know how to feel our Lord's love through the Book of Mormon.

One more scenario.

•    Scenario #2: In 2013, I was hospitalized for my depression and anxiety. As a family we had to make a decision on what to do. I was in no frame of mind to make any decisions, so sadly, the decision was put upon Ryan. Not fair to him or the kids.

                                        Should                                                              Need

• Should Ryan have me hospitalized to help me?         vs.  Or did I Need to be hospitalized to get 
•                                                                                           better?

 We can look back now and see that I Needed to be hospitalized to get  the help I needed. Should I have been, of course, but the Need overthrew the Should, therefore, throwing the Should out the window.

The Should vs. Need philosophy has helped us as a family come to understand and Know what Needs to be done, versus what Should be done.

My Life is a Gift

I had no plans to write another post this week, but I have been in bed for three hours with the song "I Will Follow God's Plan" going through my mind over and over again. I first learned this song when I was in Primary (a child's program for children 3-11 years of age for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I haven't thought of the song in quite some years, but over the past few months, it has been a constant in my mind. The lyrics and music were written in 1981 by Vanja Y. Watkins, they are:

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in heav'n it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God's plan for me,

Holding fast to his word and his love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

I know of many who have questions regarding life. Generally, the three top questions are:

1: Who am I?

2: Why am I here?

3: Where am I going?

As I have suffered with my depression and anxiety I have asked these questions time and time again. This song answers these three questions in such simplicity that even children as young as three can answer these questions.

1: Who am I? I am a daughter of a loving Father in Heaven. I am the sister of a man, so perfect, that he was unable to live longer than 33 years before being crucified for me. 

In October 2013, just after being released from Salt Lake Behavioral Health, was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints bi-yearly General Conference. On Saturday, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk touched me in ways that I thought unimaginable. He said, 

"Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

This answers the question of Who am I?

2: Why am I here? As we sing in "I Will Follow God's Plan", I am here because my life is a gift and it has a plan and purpose. I chose to come to earth and agreed to these struggles (knowing this does not make the suffering any easier). I chose to come seek and ask for God's light to direct me in his plan for my life. Giving up control is one of the hardest things anyone can do. I still struggle with control on a daily basis. 

There are times I think, Why me? What am I doing wrong? What am I supposed to be learning? For we all have struggles to learn what we don't have. These questions do NOT come from my Heavenly Father, but they come from a being so insensitive and cruel that he was cast out of Heaven in the preexistence. That's right, I speak of Lucifer, or better known as Satan. He does NOT want me to be happy. He wants my struggles to blind me to the love of my Father in Heaven and family. He wants me to drag myself to a place where I cannot return from. That is what Satan wants from me. I refuse to give in, and will push myself to the extreme to prove to myself and Christ that he did not die in vain because of me.

3: Where am I going? I will be happy in my home above. I am going to heaven. I will be reunited with my grandparents, friends, and family who have left this earth already. I will see and understand why I am going through this pain. I will be welcomed with open arms by my loving Heavenly Father, and my brother Jesus Christ.

So, as I think of this song, and the season that we are just ending. I think of love and hope for the new year. I think of survival and understanding, not just for me, but for my family. And I think, I did it. I made it through 2015 without succumbing to Satan's grasp. I am a survivor and I will continue to survive, and hopefully one day, live my life to it's fullest. Therefore, following God's plan for me!

If interested you can listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing "My Life is a Gift," by clicking on the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VdEZ5EwS1s

I interrup the Introductions...

I know all the introductions to our story haven't been made. However, with Christmas just behind us, I want to share a "Christmas Miracle" with you. This story I share involves many individuals who love me. I have three primary reasons for sharing this story.

#1-The story is an answer to many prayers, therefore, showing me that Heavenly Father DOES answer prayers. The last few months it has been difficult for me to pray, but I now know the Lord answers prayers in his own time and way. Sometimes it's fast and easy, and other times it's slow and difficult.

#2-This story shows how family and friends around the world can help those they don't know. 

#3-Miracles still happen.

So, without further ado, let me start my story.

This Christmas will always be remembered as the Miracle Christmas

Christmas Eve afternoon my dad, Eldon Bohman, was supposed to meet my nephew Zeph Bohman at LAX and fly to SLC. Zeph had flown from Australia to LA to come and spend Christmas and New Year's with my parents. My dad arrived at LAX and went to meet Zeph at Customs. Somehow, Zeph was able to get past my dad and get to where he needed to board the plane to SLC. My dad went everywhere at LAX trying to find information about where Zeph was. Dad was given the go around everywhere he went and asked questions. My dad looked for Zeph everywhere for hours without anyone at LAX helping him. 

My mom called me about 5:30 and told me what she knew was going on. When I got off the phone I told Ryan, Joanie, and Hunter what I I had been told. We stopped what we were doing and Ryan prayed for Zeph's safety and for us to be able to know where Zeph was. 

During the prayer I had a distinct impression to go across the street and talk to our neighbors, Anne M Stephenson and James Mitchel Stephenson. Unknown as to how they would be able to help. I explained the situation to them, and without questions they made phone calls that we, as a family, would not have known to call. Thanks to these wonderful friends we learned where Zeph was and finding out he was enroute to SLC. 

I made calls to my parents letting them know what we found out. Being the closest to the airport we got in the car and headed to Salt Lake. When we arrived at the airport Ryan was going to just drop me off at the terminal. I wanted to go in myself but Ryan said the kids needed to go in with me. I was worried because I didn't want to worry about the kids while I was so worried about my nephew.

Once the kids and I were in the airport I placed them at baggage claim with their phone, and went to a ticket agent. The ticket agent was able to get me up to the gate. However, I somehow missed him coming off the plane. Because I listened to Ryan, and he listened to the Spirit, Joanie and Hunter were in the place to see Zeph at the baggage claim. 

I was able to reconnect with the Zeph and the kids and Ryan picked us up outside the airport. We were able to drive to my parents' and back to Tooele safely. (The sad part of the story is my dad spent Christmas Day in L.A. with no family. He arrived home Christmas night.)

This experience has helped my testimony of prayer expand 10-fold. I know the Lord kept Zeph safe and guided the rest of us to know where he was. I know the Lord put the Stephenson's (who only recently moved in) home so they could help our family. It has taught me that I need to look for the miracles, even small ones; realizing that although I do suffer from mental illness the Lord will put miracles in my path, just to help me grow. The Lord knows each of us and what we are capable of. 
 
So, this Christmas is my "Christmas Miracle" and Zeph is my Miracle. 










Zeph and Abby 
Christmas 2015