Disappointed

*The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds meetings every Sunday for a three-hour block. There are three meetings; Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, and for women Relief Society.*

A few Sundays ago I was having what would be considered a good day for me. I felt up to going to church, which doesn't happen on a regular basis. I showered on Saturday night so I could sleep in on Sunday morning. I was able to get up, get ready and be to church on time. 

During Sacrament Meeting I had a little anxiety, but I was able to control it. Being able to get up and walk around the foyer helped a lot. It also helped that I was able to hold a friend's little boy. 

The next meeting I spent in the foyer holding the baby and working up the courage to go to Relief Society. 

Relief Society has been very difficult for me to attend since my depression and anxiety became all consuming. Even stepping into the room has been enough to throw me into a downward spiral of anxiety. I had been talking myself into going for two weeks.

I made a conscious decision to arrive to the Relief Society room early and sit on the back row right next to the door. Doing this I knew I would be able to see out the door and have the ability to walk out if needed. I wasn't planning on leaving though. I wanted to attend and listen to the prepared lesson. I had the perfect spot for me to sit...right next to the door, I had a baby in my arms and one of my best friends sitting next to me. 

The Relief Society president walked in and asked me if I wanted to say the prayer. I told her I could say the prayer and leave or not say the prayer and stay for the meeting. She choose someone else to say the prayer. 

The meeting started out nice. The door was open and I was semi-comfortable. Opening song was sung and prayer was said. The lesson was getting ready to begin. 

Then, coming from the hallway was the sound of men voices. And these men had voices that carried. Eyes were starting to turn to look at the door. One woman stood up and started to shut the door. I kept it open a couple inches so I could still see out the door. A couple minutes later another woman stood up and shut the door all the way. I snuck out because I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in that room without the door open. I needed my security of seeing. 

In tears I walked the church looking for my husband. I found him and pulled him out of his class. I burst into tears and told him I just wanted to go home. That I couldn't do it. I wanted to leave and never come back. He calmed me down somewhat and drove me home. 

As I sat on my bed crying I tried to figure out exactly what had upset me. Was I upset that I hadn't been able to attend all three meetings? Or, was I upset that the woman in my class, those who should support me, didn't even try to understand what I was feeling?

After some deep thinking I realized I was proud of myself for making it longer at church then I had in years. I had done well! I had succeeded in moving forward with that part of my life. For me it was a success.

I then realized that I was more upset that it seemed no one even wanted to take my feelings into consideration. Not one person came after me to see if I was OK. No one called to check on me. I felt, and continue to feel, that I'm just a small ant that no one truly cares about. I'm hurt. 

Yes, the noise coming from the hallway was louder than it could have been. But, leaving the door open just a couple of inches would have made it manageable for me. Am I being selfish with feeling this way? Should I not have become so upset over something that would have made class easier for me? Am I right to be feeling as though I don't matter? Is there a right way or wrong way for me to feel? That depends on who you are. However (and this has taken me years to understand), I have the right to feel how I feel, and NO ONE can tell me that it's wrong. 

Now, am I going to let the this event stop me from attending church. No. However, it will be some time before I'm comfortable even attempting to attend Relief Society again. I'll go to Sacrament Meeting and then sit in the hall waiting for the rest of the family to finish up their classes. Yes, I'm hurt. But, I go to church for me, not for others. I just have to remind myself that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect, but the members of the church are not. 

So, as I go forward, I'll take what I can get and feel good about what I'm able to accomplish, not what I'm not able to do.

Fear vs. Faith

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t move.

I can’t talk.

I can’t hear.

Stop. Help Me.

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t see.

I can’t feel.

I can’t be.

Stop. Help Me.

Fear. What do you fear? I fear many things. I fear closed-in spaces. I fear heights. I fear flying. I fear groups of people. I fear embarrassment. I fear failure. I fear loss. I fear love. I fear my feelings. I fear rejection. I fear faith.

You might ask how can I fear faith. Are fear and faith not the antithesis of each other? By definition they are. I use to think that my faith was greater than my fear. Now, my fear causes me to question my faith. I want to overcome my fear and instead, let my faith be my anchor.

In the book of 2 Timothy in the New Testament, we are told, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) If our loving heavenly Father gives us the spirit of love and faith, who gives us the spirit of Fear? Where faith is the opposite of fear, it stands to reason that fear comes from Satan, who is the opposite of God.

As I’ve been thinking about my fear and my faith I have finally decided that it is time to start moving past my fear, and not only put my faith in God, but I need to start living by my faith not my fear. How am I going to live by my faith not my fear? The only answer I have is small steps and one day at a time (how cliche, right).

St. George LDS Temple

What am I going to do to begin? First, I’m preparing to go to the St. George Temple in a week and a half. The temple use to be a place I could go and feel peace and comfort. However, other than going and doing baptisms and confirmations for the dead with Ryan, Joanie and Hunter, I have not been in the temple for more than a year, and in the past three years I have only been once. Am I proud of this, absolutely not. Do I have valid reasons, to me I do. Attending the temple I am faced with four large fears. There are small rooms, groups of people, I can become embarrassed and I fear what I will feel in the temple. 

After baptisms/confirmations @ Provo LDS Temple.

 This upcoming trip to the temple is for a very special event. We are attending with Ryan’s brother’s and sister’s-in-law, to seal his dad to his grandparents. Where this is such a great event, I have been preparing mentally to be able to attend. Do I believe this will be a walk in the park? Nope. I know my anxiety will rise and it will take my whole entire will to get through that day. But I am determined to make it.

I know attending the temple once isn’t going to take my fear completely away, but I know it is the first step to take. As I work to overcome my fears I know it isn’t going to be easy or disappear right away. Where fear has ruled my life for three years, I expect it will take at least the next three years to rewire my brain to turn to my faith instead of my fear.

In his initial talk as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Quentin L. Cook talked about faith and fear. His talk, Live by Faith and Not by Fear, he said, 

“When we choose to follow Christ in faith rather than choosing another path out of fear, we are blessed with a consequence that is consistent with our choice.” (October 2007: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/11/live-by-faith-and-not-by-fear.p1?lang=eng)

I look forward to my “consequences” from choosing faith over fear.

5 Sayings that Don't Help Me

            I have been reading a lot of lists online describing other’s depression and anxiety, and what it is to them. Some I can relate to 100%, but others, because our issues are all different, I can’t even fathom what they are feeling. So, with the feeling of needing to get some more understanding on MY anxiety and depression, I have figured out five sayings that do nothing to help my anxiety and depression. Some of these sayings actually make me feel worse.

#1            It’s ALL in Your Head.

Well, not to sound rude, but duh, I have a mental illness; therefore it is in my head. However, it is not ALL in my head. My anxiety fuels my depression, and my depression fuels my body and energy.

The best way to explain this is as follows: A flower needs sunshine, water and good soil to grow. Without one of these the flower will never shine.

Focus on the words “good soil” for a minute. If I plant two flowers in different flowerbeds depending on how the flowerbed is taken care of will help determine how the flower grows. So, I plant one in a flowerbed that has been tended to. It has been cleared of any objects that could stunt the growth of a flower. The flowers are placed in areas where they are most likely to grow. This flowerbed is tended to daily. It is given water when dry, and is weeded of any negative objects. This flower starts to grow. For many people this is the life they live. They throw out the bad, don’t let it sink in and grow and shine beautifully.

Now, lets talk about the other flower. The other flower is also originally planted in a well-cared for flowerbed. It has been removed of all foreign material. However, this flowerbed is not in the perfect spot to receive the amount of sunlight it needs. This flower is not attended to in such loving ways as #1. Eventually weeds grow and the flower starts doubting its beauty. The flower wonders why all the other flowers around it are blooming into gorgeous flowers. Slowly its anxiety grows because it is not as “perfect” as the other flowers. As the anxiety grows, the depression (weeds) starts to pull it down. The flower no longer wants to be seen, so it tries to hide from everyone and everything. The depression (weeds) have now taken over the flowers body (root system) and is taking the fuel the flower needs.

Trust me, if all my anxiety and depression was JUST in my head, I think I could handle it, but alas, it is not.

#2            Why don’t you ever volunteer for such and such an event?

Next to being a good mommy and wife, there is nothing I would rather do than spend my time serving others. Because of my anxiety, I can be excited about volunteering and getting out of the house, but fear of if I’ll be able to fulfill my responsibilities keeps me from volunteering.

Here’s how my mind works: I volunteer and am excited. I work excitedly for a week or two, than I start questioning my thoughts and ideas. Slowly my anxiety climbs and I am unable to fulfill my responsibility. So, the idea of volunteering is wonderful, but for me, I never know what type of day I’ll have, so it is a challenge for me to volunteer in advance to do something, for fear of being “unreliable”.

#3            If you would just get out of bed you wouldn’t have your anxiety and be depressed.

            Excuse my language, but that is a donkey’s butt comment. There are days that I literally, other than using the bathroom, CANNOT get out of bed. That is how debilitating and exhausting my anxiety and depression can become.

            Yes, I’m fully aware that studies say getting out of bed, exercising, blah, blah, blah will help with depression. However, not ONE of those studies included me, and I am an enigma to the norm. My mind and body are not like the other 99.8% (I totally made up that percentage) of the human race who deal with anxiety and depression.

            Now, I usually (you notice I said usually) do get myself up out of bed for the day. That’s about all I can do for THE WHOLE DANG DAY!! Just getting out of bed and making myself walk down the stairs to get something to eat has pretty much used all my spoons for the day. (If you don’t know what the spoon theory is, here’s a link http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/, go read about it.

            Then if I have plans for one day, I KNOW I have to plan on the day or two before, and the day or two after, not to plan ANYTHING! I will need to conserve my spoons beforehand, and then get them back the following days. It’s a never-ending cycle.

            So, if you tell me to just get out of bed, expect an eye roll at the least, with me possibly calling you stupid at the worst.

#4            How are you feeling?

For me, this is one of the WORST questions to be asked. Truthfully, because I don’t know if you really want to know how I’m doing, or if asking because it's what society expects one to ask. I also feel it is one of the dumbest questions ever created. From anything such as depression and anxiety to losing a loved one, “How do I feel?” are you kidding me? What a ridiculous question. I hurt, I can’t tell you what’s wrong, because more than half the time I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, I feel guilty because I’m not a better wife and mother, I feel sad because I so desperately want to get out of the house for a girls night, but have such overwhelming anxiety I don’t dare make plans and then cancel; therefore, disappointing friends…again, and for the most part I can tell if I’m truly being asked or if it’s just a conversation starter.

#5            It’s going to get easier. Look how far you’ve come.

DON’T. EVER. SAY. THESE. TO. ME.!! You have no idea what I’m going through. Even if you’ve had anxiety and depression, yours is a completely different story than mine. Logically thinking, it has to get easier, but when I’m in a funk or struggling, telling me it is going to get easier, and than telling me to look at how far I’ve come in the last so many months/years, is NOT helping.

Of course, this list is not complete. I have what feels like thousands of more sayings, but in all likely-hood are less than 100, that I would love to share with everyone. As with all illnesses, both seen and unseen, I cannot tell you how others feel; I can only tell you how I feel, and what upsets me or makes life easier for me. This list will continue to grow, and I’ll try to keep updates on our blog at http://anxietyanddepressionasafamily.blogspot.com/.

What it's like in the eyes of a daughter

I'm Joanie. I'm the oldest child of the sufferer, Abby. As a child of someone that suffers from anxiety and depression, I know what it's like to see someone you love stay at home all day because they are nervous and anxious about being around people. Having anxiety and depression together is hard for the person who suffers from it, but does anyone think about how hard it is for the sufferers loved ones, who have to watch and, at times, not be able to help?

I have watched as my mom has anxiety attacks and sometimes I can't do anything to help. When it's bad enough she sits in bed and rubs her hands together. When this happens I never know what to do, it scares me. My mom has good days and that lasts for a couple of days, but then everything she had done catches up to her and she spends a couple more day in her room. Whenever Hunter or I have important events coming up, my mom has to take medication in order to be able to come and see our parts and than she has to go in a hall or separate room for the rest of the performances.

Any performer or person who knows concert etiquette knows that it is considered highly rude to walk out of a concert or performance. Because of my mom's diseases, she isn't able to stay in the crowded gym after Hunter or I's band or dance concerts. Whenever we have band concerts (since we don't do dance anymore) our mom stays in long enough to at least see our performances, sometimes she is able to stay longer. It makes me sad that my mom can't handle staying to watch all performances because she loves hearing band, orchestra and other performances.

The best times are when we stay at home as a family and do activities, or when we go driving in the mountains. We have so much fun that when a bad day comes up it scares me. When we drive in the mountains you can see the peace on mom's face as we look at the scenery.

The times when I see my mom's face content and peaceful are the times I most enjoy.