Anxiety

There are times I feel like I am getting closer to being the person I was before my "issues" overtook my life. Then, there are times, especially recently, when I feel like I will never be 'me' again. My anxiety has once again started taking over my life.

Before my anxiety became the best of me, I use to love attending church. It was the one day a week that I truly relaxed and felt a closeness to my Heavenly Father. I held callings that I loved. My favorite callings not only involved working with the children (3-11 years old), but teaching them the music that I love. These years of service brought me such joy that those around me knew, just by looking at me, that I had worked with the children and music. 

Sadly over the past 3 1/4 years I have lost the desire to attend church, in large part due to my anxiety. There are aspects of church that makes my anxiety shoot high (See my post http://anxietyanddepressionasafamily.blogspot.com/2017/02/disappointed.html). 

My anxiety has gone through the wringer. It's high, it's low, it's average. I never know how I'm going to react to a church setting. For about 2 1/2 years I would go to church long enough to partake of the Sacrament, then I would leave and come home. About 9 months ago I started staying for all of Sacrament Meeting, but then leaving. Right before Christmas I was trying extra hard to stay for all three hours. That entailed attending all of Sacrament Meeting and then sitting in the foyer (usually with a baby) during Sunday School and Relief Society. 

As I talk about in my disappointed post, I tried attending Relief Society, and it was a disaster.  Making my anxiety skyrocket, I have been unable to stay longer than Sacrament Meeting the past few weeks. I have not been able to figure out what would help me.
 
One of my friends, Audrey, shared an article titled, "How to Enjoy Church if You Have Anxiety" (http://www.ldsdaily.com/personal-lds-blog/how-to-enjoy-church-if-you-have-anxiety/). I'm not sure how she knew I needed this article, but it has some wonderful ideas. 

Some of these ideas I already utilize. The hardest one for me is to advocate for myself. I already feel like the members of my ward are judging me and thinking I'm an inconvenience (especially in Relief Society). I hate bringing more attention to me than I already have. 

I like to ponder what might help me. Ryan sits right next to me during Sacrament Meeting, then he serves in Primary and is busy there during Sunday School and Relief Society. If he were by my side would I be OK? I'd like to think so, but that only helps during SS. After all, he is my rock. 

So, with my anxiety being so high, especially in regards to church what am I going to do? First off, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. My testimony is firm in that aspect. Next, I'll continue attending Sacrament Meeting and maybe a few months (or years) down the road I'll attempt Relief Society again. For now though, I don't want my feelings hurt again so I'll avoid Relief Society like the plague, and pray that my anxiety will start to abate.

 

Love

Love. There has been a lot of talk this week about love. However, this brings the question how does one describe love, to my mind.

According to www.dictionary.com, love is defined in the following four ways.

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

 

If you're religious and turn to the scriptures for definitions, the greatest description of love is found in the New Testament in John. 

John 3:16 reads, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

 

As I've thought about love this week, my thoughts have drifted (naturally) to Ryan. The following are ways I KNOW that Ryan loves me.

 

1. Work--Ryan works tirelessly to provide for our family. Regardless of how he feels, he goes to work everyday and works hard to support our family.

 

2. Empathy--Ryan has the greatest empathy of anyone I know. When I am in bed for days, not being able to move, Ryan is there giving to me and trying to understand what I'm going through.  

3. Cook--Ryan works all day and then comes home and cooks for the family. He does this almost every day of the week.

4. Service--Ryan serves not only our family, but serves those around us. 

5. Teach--Ryan teaches our children how to help those in need. He does this by showing Joanie and Hunter how to best help me when I need it. 

There are a lot of other ways Ryan shows love. Ryan is my epitome of love. I was extremely blessed to find Ryan and have him as my husband. 

 

The Lord has blessed our lives for the last 17 years. We have been blessed with two wonderful, loving children. We have been blessed with a love that has withstood multiple obstacles. We have been blessed with numerous friendships in many different places. We have been blessed with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

 

Above all, we have been blessed with the knowledge of being together forever. Our love will span not only generations, but will be one that lasts forever.

 

Disappointed

*The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds meetings every Sunday for a three-hour block. There are three meetings; Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, and for women Relief Society.*

A few Sundays ago I was having what would be considered a good day for me. I felt up to going to church, which doesn't happen on a regular basis. I showered on Saturday night so I could sleep in on Sunday morning. I was able to get up, get ready and be to church on time. 

During Sacrament Meeting I had a little anxiety, but I was able to control it. Being able to get up and walk around the foyer helped a lot. It also helped that I was able to hold a friend's little boy. 

The next meeting I spent in the foyer holding the baby and working up the courage to go to Relief Society. 

Relief Society has been very difficult for me to attend since my depression and anxiety became all consuming. Even stepping into the room has been enough to throw me into a downward spiral of anxiety. I had been talking myself into going for two weeks.

I made a conscious decision to arrive to the Relief Society room early and sit on the back row right next to the door. Doing this I knew I would be able to see out the door and have the ability to walk out if needed. I wasn't planning on leaving though. I wanted to attend and listen to the prepared lesson. I had the perfect spot for me to sit...right next to the door, I had a baby in my arms and one of my best friends sitting next to me. 

The Relief Society president walked in and asked me if I wanted to say the prayer. I told her I could say the prayer and leave or not say the prayer and stay for the meeting. She choose someone else to say the prayer. 

The meeting started out nice. The door was open and I was semi-comfortable. Opening song was sung and prayer was said. The lesson was getting ready to begin. 

Then, coming from the hallway was the sound of men voices. And these men had voices that carried. Eyes were starting to turn to look at the door. One woman stood up and started to shut the door. I kept it open a couple inches so I could still see out the door. A couple minutes later another woman stood up and shut the door all the way. I snuck out because I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in that room without the door open. I needed my security of seeing. 

In tears I walked the church looking for my husband. I found him and pulled him out of his class. I burst into tears and told him I just wanted to go home. That I couldn't do it. I wanted to leave and never come back. He calmed me down somewhat and drove me home. 

As I sat on my bed crying I tried to figure out exactly what had upset me. Was I upset that I hadn't been able to attend all three meetings? Or, was I upset that the woman in my class, those who should support me, didn't even try to understand what I was feeling?

After some deep thinking I realized I was proud of myself for making it longer at church then I had in years. I had done well! I had succeeded in moving forward with that part of my life. For me it was a success.

I then realized that I was more upset that it seemed no one even wanted to take my feelings into consideration. Not one person came after me to see if I was OK. No one called to check on me. I felt, and continue to feel, that I'm just a small ant that no one truly cares about. I'm hurt. 

Yes, the noise coming from the hallway was louder than it could have been. But, leaving the door open just a couple of inches would have made it manageable for me. Am I being selfish with feeling this way? Should I not have become so upset over something that would have made class easier for me? Am I right to be feeling as though I don't matter? Is there a right way or wrong way for me to feel? That depends on who you are. However (and this has taken me years to understand), I have the right to feel how I feel, and NO ONE can tell me that it's wrong. 

Now, am I going to let the this event stop me from attending church. No. However, it will be some time before I'm comfortable even attempting to attend Relief Society again. I'll go to Sacrament Meeting and then sit in the hall waiting for the rest of the family to finish up their classes. Yes, I'm hurt. But, I go to church for me, not for others. I just have to remind myself that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect, but the members of the church are not. 

So, as I go forward, I'll take what I can get and feel good about what I'm able to accomplish, not what I'm not able to do.

2016...We Survived

We Survived

This past year can be described in two words...We Survived.

Ryan and I survived our 16-year-anniversary.

We survived Ryan's job change.

We survived Abby's near-obsession with family history.

We survived a trip to Barnes and Noble and Deseret Book for Joanie's 14th birthday.

We survived Joanie babysitting all summer. 

We survived Joanie growing 3-4 inches.
 
We survived Hunter turning 12 and entering junior high.

We survived Hunter growing 6-7 inches, making him taller than Joanie and Abby (this was a BIG survival).

We survived Hunter's first-seven-day scout camping trip (Abby by a hair).

We survived the death of Abby's granny and grandpa.

We survived the death of our beloved Shih tzu, Winky.

We survived getting a new puppy, Charley.

We survived two weddings in one day.
We survived Abby having back surgery, again.

We survived Joanie having her lingual tonsils out (2-days before Christmas).

We survived Abby's parents starting a 2-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

We survived multiple short road trips; including trips to South Dakota, California, Las Vegas, and Beaver Dam. 

We survived having our friend and her three daughters move in with us 2 1/2 weeks before Christmas.

Above all, we survived another year of Abby being in constant pain, and the depression and anxiety that comes from being in that much pain.

Here's to 2017!

 

Fear vs. Faith

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t move.

I can’t talk.

I can’t hear.

Stop. Help Me.

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t see.

I can’t feel.

I can’t be.

Stop. Help Me.

Fear. What do you fear? I fear many things. I fear closed-in spaces. I fear heights. I fear flying. I fear groups of people. I fear embarrassment. I fear failure. I fear loss. I fear love. I fear my feelings. I fear rejection. I fear faith.

You might ask how can I fear faith. Are fear and faith not the antithesis of each other? By definition they are. I use to think that my faith was greater than my fear. Now, my fear causes me to question my faith. I want to overcome my fear and instead, let my faith be my anchor.

In the book of 2 Timothy in the New Testament, we are told, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) If our loving heavenly Father gives us the spirit of love and faith, who gives us the spirit of Fear? Where faith is the opposite of fear, it stands to reason that fear comes from Satan, who is the opposite of God.

As I’ve been thinking about my fear and my faith I have finally decided that it is time to start moving past my fear, and not only put my faith in God, but I need to start living by my faith not my fear. How am I going to live by my faith not my fear? The only answer I have is small steps and one day at a time (how cliche, right).

St. George LDS Temple

What am I going to do to begin? First, I’m preparing to go to the St. George Temple in a week and a half. The temple use to be a place I could go and feel peace and comfort. However, other than going and doing baptisms and confirmations for the dead with Ryan, Joanie and Hunter, I have not been in the temple for more than a year, and in the past three years I have only been once. Am I proud of this, absolutely not. Do I have valid reasons, to me I do. Attending the temple I am faced with four large fears. There are small rooms, groups of people, I can become embarrassed and I fear what I will feel in the temple. 

After baptisms/confirmations @ Provo LDS Temple.

 This upcoming trip to the temple is for a very special event. We are attending with Ryan’s brother’s and sister’s-in-law, to seal his dad to his grandparents. Where this is such a great event, I have been preparing mentally to be able to attend. Do I believe this will be a walk in the park? Nope. I know my anxiety will rise and it will take my whole entire will to get through that day. But I am determined to make it.

I know attending the temple once isn’t going to take my fear completely away, but I know it is the first step to take. As I work to overcome my fears I know it isn’t going to be easy or disappear right away. Where fear has ruled my life for three years, I expect it will take at least the next three years to rewire my brain to turn to my faith instead of my fear.

In his initial talk as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Quentin L. Cook talked about faith and fear. His talk, Live by Faith and Not by Fear, he said, 

“When we choose to follow Christ in faith rather than choosing another path out of fear, we are blessed with a consequence that is consistent with our choice.” (October 2007: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/11/live-by-faith-and-not-by-fear.p1?lang=eng)

I look forward to my “consequences” from choosing faith over fear.

Back to our scheduled introductions...Ryan (the caregiver)

I'm (Abby) am going to finish the introductions and then get started on everyone writing about their experience. Today, I'm going to introduce my caregiver, Ryan, who is also my husband.

Ryan grew up in a family of 9 boys in Cedar City, Utah. He is the second-to-youngest. By the time Ryan was a teen his mom had become bedridden for a few years. She had injured herself by falling on some stairs. Having his mom in bed gave Ryan a sense of empathy that he needed to learn at a young age so he would be to be able to care for me.

Ryan started working at the age of 15 at the Pizza Factory. He worked there until he left for his mission to New Jersey. Upon returning from his mission he returned to working at the Pizza Factory and started attending school at Southern Utah University (SUU).

Ryan and my cousin Karl, were best friends growing up. They lived on the same street and spent a lot of time together. Ryan and I assume we met when we were younger, but neither of us can recall a time. It was in 1999 that I went to SUU to apply for a scholarship and I was introduced to Ryan. We saw each other a couple times during the summer of 1999. Upon completing high school I decided upon SUU to continue my education. Ryan and I were reintroduced and we began dating.

Ryan works at WalMart as an assistant manager. He works hard and comes home and takes care of me and the house and the children. He doesn't complain and does what needs to be done. He is also a worthy priesthood holder, and willingly gives me blessings when asked.

And that, is Ryan, the caregiver.