Fear vs. Faith

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t move.

I can’t talk.

I can’t hear.

Stop. Help Me.

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t see.

I can’t feel.

I can’t be.

Stop. Help Me.

Fear. What do you fear? I fear many things. I fear closed-in spaces. I fear heights. I fear flying. I fear groups of people. I fear embarrassment. I fear failure. I fear loss. I fear love. I fear my feelings. I fear rejection. I fear faith.

You might ask how can I fear faith. Are fear and faith not the antithesis of each other? By definition they are. I use to think that my faith was greater than my fear. Now, my fear causes me to question my faith. I want to overcome my fear and instead, let my faith be my anchor.

In the book of 2 Timothy in the New Testament, we are told, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) If our loving heavenly Father gives us the spirit of love and faith, who gives us the spirit of Fear? Where faith is the opposite of fear, it stands to reason that fear comes from Satan, who is the opposite of God.

As I’ve been thinking about my fear and my faith I have finally decided that it is time to start moving past my fear, and not only put my faith in God, but I need to start living by my faith not my fear. How am I going to live by my faith not my fear? The only answer I have is small steps and one day at a time (how cliche, right).

St. George LDS Temple

What am I going to do to begin? First, I’m preparing to go to the St. George Temple in a week and a half. The temple use to be a place I could go and feel peace and comfort. However, other than going and doing baptisms and confirmations for the dead with Ryan, Joanie and Hunter, I have not been in the temple for more than a year, and in the past three years I have only been once. Am I proud of this, absolutely not. Do I have valid reasons, to me I do. Attending the temple I am faced with four large fears. There are small rooms, groups of people, I can become embarrassed and I fear what I will feel in the temple. 

After baptisms/confirmations @ Provo LDS Temple.

 This upcoming trip to the temple is for a very special event. We are attending with Ryan’s brother’s and sister’s-in-law, to seal his dad to his grandparents. Where this is such a great event, I have been preparing mentally to be able to attend. Do I believe this will be a walk in the park? Nope. I know my anxiety will rise and it will take my whole entire will to get through that day. But I am determined to make it.

I know attending the temple once isn’t going to take my fear completely away, but I know it is the first step to take. As I work to overcome my fears I know it isn’t going to be easy or disappear right away. Where fear has ruled my life for three years, I expect it will take at least the next three years to rewire my brain to turn to my faith instead of my fear.

In his initial talk as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Quentin L. Cook talked about faith and fear. His talk, Live by Faith and Not by Fear, he said, 

“When we choose to follow Christ in faith rather than choosing another path out of fear, we are blessed with a consequence that is consistent with our choice.” (October 2007: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/11/live-by-faith-and-not-by-fear.p1?lang=eng)

I look forward to my “consequences” from choosing faith over fear.

My Life is a Gift

I had no plans to write another post this week, but I have been in bed for three hours with the song "I Will Follow God's Plan" going through my mind over and over again. I first learned this song when I was in Primary (a child's program for children 3-11 years of age for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I haven't thought of the song in quite some years, but over the past few months, it has been a constant in my mind. The lyrics and music were written in 1981 by Vanja Y. Watkins, they are:

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in heav'n it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God's plan for me,

Holding fast to his word and his love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

I know of many who have questions regarding life. Generally, the three top questions are:

1: Who am I?

2: Why am I here?

3: Where am I going?

As I have suffered with my depression and anxiety I have asked these questions time and time again. This song answers these three questions in such simplicity that even children as young as three can answer these questions.

1: Who am I? I am a daughter of a loving Father in Heaven. I am the sister of a man, so perfect, that he was unable to live longer than 33 years before being crucified for me. 

In October 2013, just after being released from Salt Lake Behavioral Health, was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints bi-yearly General Conference. On Saturday, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk touched me in ways that I thought unimaginable. He said, 

"Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

This answers the question of Who am I?

2: Why am I here? As we sing in "I Will Follow God's Plan", I am here because my life is a gift and it has a plan and purpose. I chose to come to earth and agreed to these struggles (knowing this does not make the suffering any easier). I chose to come seek and ask for God's light to direct me in his plan for my life. Giving up control is one of the hardest things anyone can do. I still struggle with control on a daily basis. 

There are times I think, Why me? What am I doing wrong? What am I supposed to be learning? For we all have struggles to learn what we don't have. These questions do NOT come from my Heavenly Father, but they come from a being so insensitive and cruel that he was cast out of Heaven in the preexistence. That's right, I speak of Lucifer, or better known as Satan. He does NOT want me to be happy. He wants my struggles to blind me to the love of my Father in Heaven and family. He wants me to drag myself to a place where I cannot return from. That is what Satan wants from me. I refuse to give in, and will push myself to the extreme to prove to myself and Christ that he did not die in vain because of me.

3: Where am I going? I will be happy in my home above. I am going to heaven. I will be reunited with my grandparents, friends, and family who have left this earth already. I will see and understand why I am going through this pain. I will be welcomed with open arms by my loving Heavenly Father, and my brother Jesus Christ.

So, as I think of this song, and the season that we are just ending. I think of love and hope for the new year. I think of survival and understanding, not just for me, but for my family. And I think, I did it. I made it through 2015 without succumbing to Satan's grasp. I am a survivor and I will continue to survive, and hopefully one day, live my life to it's fullest. Therefore, following God's plan for me!

If interested you can listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing "My Life is a Gift," by clicking on the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VdEZ5EwS1s