Disappointed

*The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds meetings every Sunday for a three-hour block. There are three meetings; Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, and for women Relief Society.*

A few Sundays ago I was having what would be considered a good day for me. I felt up to going to church, which doesn't happen on a regular basis. I showered on Saturday night so I could sleep in on Sunday morning. I was able to get up, get ready and be to church on time. 

During Sacrament Meeting I had a little anxiety, but I was able to control it. Being able to get up and walk around the foyer helped a lot. It also helped that I was able to hold a friend's little boy. 

The next meeting I spent in the foyer holding the baby and working up the courage to go to Relief Society. 

Relief Society has been very difficult for me to attend since my depression and anxiety became all consuming. Even stepping into the room has been enough to throw me into a downward spiral of anxiety. I had been talking myself into going for two weeks.

I made a conscious decision to arrive to the Relief Society room early and sit on the back row right next to the door. Doing this I knew I would be able to see out the door and have the ability to walk out if needed. I wasn't planning on leaving though. I wanted to attend and listen to the prepared lesson. I had the perfect spot for me to sit...right next to the door, I had a baby in my arms and one of my best friends sitting next to me. 

The Relief Society president walked in and asked me if I wanted to say the prayer. I told her I could say the prayer and leave or not say the prayer and stay for the meeting. She choose someone else to say the prayer. 

The meeting started out nice. The door was open and I was semi-comfortable. Opening song was sung and prayer was said. The lesson was getting ready to begin. 

Then, coming from the hallway was the sound of men voices. And these men had voices that carried. Eyes were starting to turn to look at the door. One woman stood up and started to shut the door. I kept it open a couple inches so I could still see out the door. A couple minutes later another woman stood up and shut the door all the way. I snuck out because I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in that room without the door open. I needed my security of seeing. 

In tears I walked the church looking for my husband. I found him and pulled him out of his class. I burst into tears and told him I just wanted to go home. That I couldn't do it. I wanted to leave and never come back. He calmed me down somewhat and drove me home. 

As I sat on my bed crying I tried to figure out exactly what had upset me. Was I upset that I hadn't been able to attend all three meetings? Or, was I upset that the woman in my class, those who should support me, didn't even try to understand what I was feeling?

After some deep thinking I realized I was proud of myself for making it longer at church then I had in years. I had done well! I had succeeded in moving forward with that part of my life. For me it was a success.

I then realized that I was more upset that it seemed no one even wanted to take my feelings into consideration. Not one person came after me to see if I was OK. No one called to check on me. I felt, and continue to feel, that I'm just a small ant that no one truly cares about. I'm hurt. 

Yes, the noise coming from the hallway was louder than it could have been. But, leaving the door open just a couple of inches would have made it manageable for me. Am I being selfish with feeling this way? Should I not have become so upset over something that would have made class easier for me? Am I right to be feeling as though I don't matter? Is there a right way or wrong way for me to feel? That depends on who you are. However (and this has taken me years to understand), I have the right to feel how I feel, and NO ONE can tell me that it's wrong. 

Now, am I going to let the this event stop me from attending church. No. However, it will be some time before I'm comfortable even attempting to attend Relief Society again. I'll go to Sacrament Meeting and then sit in the hall waiting for the rest of the family to finish up their classes. Yes, I'm hurt. But, I go to church for me, not for others. I just have to remind myself that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect, but the members of the church are not. 

So, as I go forward, I'll take what I can get and feel good about what I'm able to accomplish, not what I'm not able to do.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...Oh, how I loathe this saying. I have heard it many times over the past few years, and if I never hear it again it will be too soon.

Three years ago my depression and anxiety was so severe that the decision was made for me to be hospitalized. I was hospitalized for a total of three weeks. I was hospitalized for one week the first time, and then I was re-hospitalized a week later for two weeks. I was at my lowest point ever. I had no desire to live or push forward. It was pure hell.

At this time in my life I felt I had nothing to to live for. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved Ryan and Joanie and Hunter, but the pain was so unbearable I didn't feel I could continue. The pain that came from my depression and anxiety was, and is, all-encompassing. There is not a point on my body that didn't hurt. I hurt emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. It felt too hard to continue forward in this life. 

I can look at this time in my life in two different ways...I was either extremely blessed or extremely lucky. Where my faith has been such an integral part of my healing I have to go with being extremely blessed. As I've been looking through my journal from my time in the hospital I can see the Lord's hand in my life. At the time it was not easy to turn to the Lord, but over the past few years as my faith has grown it's become easier to turn to the Lord for help.

As I've been looking back through my journal I see the scriptures and inspiration I received from the apostles and prophets. I see where they worked into my life without my knowledge. One of the opportunities was listening to the 2013 October General Conference. On that Saturday afternoon I had made a trip to Salt Lake to get a dog for me. On the way back Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a member of the Quorum of the 12, gave a talk. His talk was titled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk helped me in so many ways. I know it didn't help only me, because I saw the impact on Joanie's life. 

As I was driving home from Salt Lake I received a number of calls from family and friends asking me if I had heard this talk. Granted, I only heard a little of it. The caller who impressed me the most was Joanie. At the time she was she was 11 years old, almost 12. She called me and told me I HAD to watch and listen to this talk by Elder Holland. She then began to tell me what inspiration she had received while listening to Elder Holland. 

I can tell you this, it is extraordinarily humbling to have your child teach you. I was, and continue to be, amazed with how close to the Holy Ghost Joanie was. Even three years later she listens to conference diligently and with hope of hearing the prophet or apostles teach from the Lord. This talk touched us both so deeply that we have printed off and read and reread it multiple times.

In his talk Elder Holland said, "So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

This poignant part of his talk has helped me push forward in my most troubling times. I can now look back and see the times when Satan wanted to drag me under, and not let me succeed. But now I can see the Lord's hands pulling me to him, encouraging me to never lose my faith, to remember the atonement and to seek for understanding. I love the quote from President Thomas S. Monson.

“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”

So many times have I felt the Lord's love for me. I have not only felt the love from my Heavenly Father, but I have felt the love from Jesus Christ. I have developed a better understanding of the atonement; particularly that the atonement is not only for those who sin.

One talk that gave me a better understanding of the atonement was given in 2012 by Elder David A. Bednar. He spoke at a BYU devotional. He said,

"Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully."

Before my depression and anxiety became all consuming I did not realize that the atonement is there to help me become a better person and move forward in this life. Learning more about the atonement has been integral in my stepping forward. 

At times I still take one step forward and two steps back, but I can now see my progress. I recognize that now my forward steps are large and my two steps back are more like shuffles. 

To end this I want to share something I learned while in the hospital. I had been reading the Book of Mormon and was in Alma. Alma 33:18 & 21 it reads, "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

My faith has sustained me and will continue to sustain me through the difficult times in my life. 

Talks Quoted: 
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/liahona/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng
 
 

Could vs. Should vs. Need

With a title like that I feel like I'm on an episode of Survivor© - Brains vs. Brawn vs. Beauty-. I can assure you, I will NEVER be on a season of Survivor©. I get anxiety just watching the episodes with Ryan.

No, this title actually came to me after reading my good-friend Tia's Facebook post this morning. Tia is an amazing woman who is very in-tune to the Spirit. She has been my friend for more than half my life. I'm grateful for the insight she shares. Her post reads,

"Today I've been thinking a lot about the rich young man who went to Jesus asking what he lacked to attain eternal life. He had lived a righteous life, kept the commandments, and apparently desired to be good. What was he expecting Jesus to tell him? Did he think that there was an additional commandment to keep? Was he thinking he'd be told something new? Did he ever think, even remotely, that he'd be asked to give up his riches? What exactly was he willing to do in order to obtain eternal life, and where was his "cutting off point", to what he wasn't willing to do. Did he even think all these things through, or did he seek out Jesus on a whim or spur of the moment?
When we go to the Lord in our prayers and all what we should do, what do we expect to hear? Do we have an idea of what we might be asked to do? I know I could write a long list of things I could/should improve on. Are those the things I expect Him to tell me? Will i be asked to give up my " riches "? And if so, what "riches" will I be willing to part with?
The young man "went away sorrowful". He wasn't willing to give up his riches. Is there anything that would make me decide to go "away sorrowful", anything in unwilling to part with? I'm guessing that he was sincere when he asked the question. He didn't expect the answer to his question to be something here was unwilling to do. It was obviously something very difficult for him. I think the Lord will ask us to give up our " riches", just as He did this young man. Or just may not be monetary. But it will be difficult. How can we grow and process of it's not?
Just some thoughts floating in my head today . . . any thoughts on the subject?"

Her thoughts started me thinking of concepts I've learned during therapy over the last few years. There have been many concepts and coping skills I've learned over the years. Are they all perfect, do they all work for me, do they all work for everybody? Of course not. However, one concept that has been helpful to me is what I call the Should vs. Need philosophy.  I don't think I can say it any better than my response to Tia's post.

Tia, I think of it this way. You could write your list of could and should ideas, but are they at this time what you NEED to be focusing on. There is a difference between should and need.
One of my favorite phrases I've learned while in therapy is to "get rid of the shoulds" and focus on "my needs".
SHOULD I spend more time worrying about keeping the house clean, OR do I NEED to spend more time playing with my children, and allowing my house not to be spotless. If I get rid of the should and focus on the need, I'll spend more time with my children and less time worrying about my house being clean.
My need overthrows my should, therefore, I throw the should out the window and work on the need in my life.
Just how I've come to understand picking what is the most important things I need to be doing.
I constantly ask myself "should I be doing this" or "do I need to be doing this". It has helped me decide many a decision when I ask myself these two simple questions.

 Using my Should vs. Need philosophy, I have been able to solve other questions that come to mind.

•    Scenario #1: In 1988, President Ezra Taft Benson talked about Flooding the World with the Book of Mormon. He challenged every leader, every teacher, every home, every person to take the Book of Mormon and have it be a part of their life. He challenged us to read the Book of Mormon daily. You can read his talk at Flooding the Earth with the Book of Mormon. 

Now, I take his challenge of focusing on the Book of Mormon with my family, and I figure out what o do.
                                 Should                                                              Need

• Should we read a whole chapter every day?         vs.  Or do we Need to read only a few verses  
•                                                                                      and focus on what we learn?

As I compare my Shoulds and Need, I come to realize that I throw the Should out the Window, because we NEED to focus on what we learn, and teach my children the best way to understand the teachings of the Book of Mormon. In this way the Need is the answer. We might only read five verses a night, but we understand what we read and know how to feel our Lord's love through the Book of Mormon.

One more scenario.

•    Scenario #2: In 2013, I was hospitalized for my depression and anxiety. As a family we had to make a decision on what to do. I was in no frame of mind to make any decisions, so sadly, the decision was put upon Ryan. Not fair to him or the kids.

                                        Should                                                              Need

• Should Ryan have me hospitalized to help me?         vs.  Or did I Need to be hospitalized to get 
•                                                                                           better?

 We can look back now and see that I Needed to be hospitalized to get  the help I needed. Should I have been, of course, but the Need overthrew the Should, therefore, throwing the Should out the window.

The Should vs. Need philosophy has helped us as a family come to understand and Know what Needs to be done, versus what Should be done.

Last, but not least . . . Hunter

When I'm asked to describe Hunter it is extremely difficult. The clearest answer is "Hunter is Hunter."

It would take hours, if not days,  to accurately describe Hunter. Hunter is the life of the party. He loves making people laugh. He is tenderhearted and cares about everyone. He wants everyone to be happy. He has the ability to make everyone feel welcome and loved. He loves serving those around him. I could keep going and never end, but there's more to tell about Hunter.

Hunter is 11, almost 12 years old. He turns 12 in March. He loves the Gospel of Jesus Christ with a love unsurpassed. His testimony and faith is so strong it amazes me. With such a strong testimony there are times I lean on his testimony to help me through difficult times.

Hunter has the spirit of missionary work in his heart. He loves going and sitting in on discussions with the missionaries. He is excited about going on a mission. With his ability to make everyone feel welcome and loved, he will be a wonderful missionary.

Hunter has been a huge help the last few years. He has been my snuggle-buddy through it all. He knows when I need a hug and he searches me out to give me that hug. He does what's asked of him, with little to no complaining. He is his sister's biggest advocate and friend. He is an awesome tween who is well-liked by others.

Hunter brings light and happiness to those he comes in contact with. I am so blessed to have him for a son.

Introducing...Joanie

I have sat down at the computer a number of times to introduce Joanie and have stopped because I don't know how to describe Joanie to everyone. It's a challenge to describe a child who is so special in so many ways. My goal today is to actually be able to introduce Joanie in a way that everyone who gets to know her understands how special she is.

Joanie is 13 years old. Not only is she named after an incredible lady, Joanie Rich, she is a lot like Joanie #1 and has many of the same attributes. We couldn't have named her after a better lady.

Joanie is in 7th grade at Excelsior Academy where she excels in all her subjects. She plays the flute in band, and has picked up Spanish at an alarmingly quick rate. After being in Utah History for a couple of weeks, she found out that her teacher, Mr. Maher, is related to her through Ryan's family. This has made history much more interesting for her. Although math and science are her challenging classes she still pulls off an A every term.

Joanie has a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that is stronger than my testimony. She has a unique bond with her Heavenly Father and older brother Jesus Christ. She knows where and whom to turn to in times of need. She loves attending church and is actively involved in the Young Woman program. She has an inner-light that glows for everyone to see. She loves watching General Conference. When she listens to conference she is enlightened with thoughts of friends and family who need to read/hear such topics. Seeing how she has the Holy Ghost with her at all times brings a fresh start to our family.

Joanie enjoys children and babysits around the neighborhood. She has been referred to as a child-whisperer and baby-whisperer in the past. Children love her and she loves them. She is patient and kind to all children.

Joanie is much like me. She has a few close friends, but lots of friends. She has a personality that draws others to her.

When she entered our life, she came as a gift from God. As I look back over the past years I know she was sent to us at a time when she would be able to help at the best possible time.

I don't know if this does any justice introducing Joanie, but she is an amazing and incredible young woman who I'm thankful to call my daughter.

My Life is a Gift

I had no plans to write another post this week, but I have been in bed for three hours with the song "I Will Follow God's Plan" going through my mind over and over again. I first learned this song when I was in Primary (a child's program for children 3-11 years of age for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I haven't thought of the song in quite some years, but over the past few months, it has been a constant in my mind. The lyrics and music were written in 1981 by Vanja Y. Watkins, they are:

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in heav'n it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God's plan for me,

Holding fast to his word and his love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

I know of many who have questions regarding life. Generally, the three top questions are:

1: Who am I?

2: Why am I here?

3: Where am I going?

As I have suffered with my depression and anxiety I have asked these questions time and time again. This song answers these three questions in such simplicity that even children as young as three can answer these questions.

1: Who am I? I am a daughter of a loving Father in Heaven. I am the sister of a man, so perfect, that he was unable to live longer than 33 years before being crucified for me. 

In October 2013, just after being released from Salt Lake Behavioral Health, was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints bi-yearly General Conference. On Saturday, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk touched me in ways that I thought unimaginable. He said, 

"Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

This answers the question of Who am I?

2: Why am I here? As we sing in "I Will Follow God's Plan", I am here because my life is a gift and it has a plan and purpose. I chose to come to earth and agreed to these struggles (knowing this does not make the suffering any easier). I chose to come seek and ask for God's light to direct me in his plan for my life. Giving up control is one of the hardest things anyone can do. I still struggle with control on a daily basis. 

There are times I think, Why me? What am I doing wrong? What am I supposed to be learning? For we all have struggles to learn what we don't have. These questions do NOT come from my Heavenly Father, but they come from a being so insensitive and cruel that he was cast out of Heaven in the preexistence. That's right, I speak of Lucifer, or better known as Satan. He does NOT want me to be happy. He wants my struggles to blind me to the love of my Father in Heaven and family. He wants me to drag myself to a place where I cannot return from. That is what Satan wants from me. I refuse to give in, and will push myself to the extreme to prove to myself and Christ that he did not die in vain because of me.

3: Where am I going? I will be happy in my home above. I am going to heaven. I will be reunited with my grandparents, friends, and family who have left this earth already. I will see and understand why I am going through this pain. I will be welcomed with open arms by my loving Heavenly Father, and my brother Jesus Christ.

So, as I think of this song, and the season that we are just ending. I think of love and hope for the new year. I think of survival and understanding, not just for me, but for my family. And I think, I did it. I made it through 2015 without succumbing to Satan's grasp. I am a survivor and I will continue to survive, and hopefully one day, live my life to it's fullest. Therefore, following God's plan for me!

If interested you can listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing "My Life is a Gift," by clicking on the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VdEZ5EwS1s