What it's like in the eyes of a daughter

I'm Joanie. I'm the oldest child of the sufferer, Abby. As a child of someone that suffers from anxiety and depression, I know what it's like to see someone you love stay at home all day because they are nervous and anxious about being around people. Having anxiety and depression together is hard for the person who suffers from it, but does anyone think about how hard it is for the sufferers loved ones, who have to watch and, at times, not be able to help?

I have watched as my mom has anxiety attacks and sometimes I can't do anything to help. When it's bad enough she sits in bed and rubs her hands together. When this happens I never know what to do, it scares me. My mom has good days and that lasts for a couple of days, but then everything she had done catches up to her and she spends a couple more day in her room. Whenever Hunter or I have important events coming up, my mom has to take medication in order to be able to come and see our parts and than she has to go in a hall or separate room for the rest of the performances.

Any performer or person who knows concert etiquette knows that it is considered highly rude to walk out of a concert or performance. Because of my mom's diseases, she isn't able to stay in the crowded gym after Hunter or I's band or dance concerts. Whenever we have band concerts (since we don't do dance anymore) our mom stays in long enough to at least see our performances, sometimes she is able to stay longer. It makes me sad that my mom can't handle staying to watch all performances because she loves hearing band, orchestra and other performances.

The best times are when we stay at home as a family and do activities, or when we go driving in the mountains. We have so much fun that when a bad day comes up it scares me. When we drive in the mountains you can see the peace on mom's face as we look at the scenery.

The times when I see my mom's face content and peaceful are the times I most enjoy.

Could vs. Should vs. Need

With a title like that I feel like I'm on an episode of Survivor© - Brains vs. Brawn vs. Beauty-. I can assure you, I will NEVER be on a season of Survivor©. I get anxiety just watching the episodes with Ryan.

No, this title actually came to me after reading my good-friend Tia's Facebook post this morning. Tia is an amazing woman who is very in-tune to the Spirit. She has been my friend for more than half my life. I'm grateful for the insight she shares. Her post reads,

"Today I've been thinking a lot about the rich young man who went to Jesus asking what he lacked to attain eternal life. He had lived a righteous life, kept the commandments, and apparently desired to be good. What was he expecting Jesus to tell him? Did he think that there was an additional commandment to keep? Was he thinking he'd be told something new? Did he ever think, even remotely, that he'd be asked to give up his riches? What exactly was he willing to do in order to obtain eternal life, and where was his "cutting off point", to what he wasn't willing to do. Did he even think all these things through, or did he seek out Jesus on a whim or spur of the moment?
When we go to the Lord in our prayers and all what we should do, what do we expect to hear? Do we have an idea of what we might be asked to do? I know I could write a long list of things I could/should improve on. Are those the things I expect Him to tell me? Will i be asked to give up my " riches "? And if so, what "riches" will I be willing to part with?
The young man "went away sorrowful". He wasn't willing to give up his riches. Is there anything that would make me decide to go "away sorrowful", anything in unwilling to part with? I'm guessing that he was sincere when he asked the question. He didn't expect the answer to his question to be something here was unwilling to do. It was obviously something very difficult for him. I think the Lord will ask us to give up our " riches", just as He did this young man. Or just may not be monetary. But it will be difficult. How can we grow and process of it's not?
Just some thoughts floating in my head today . . . any thoughts on the subject?"

Her thoughts started me thinking of concepts I've learned during therapy over the last few years. There have been many concepts and coping skills I've learned over the years. Are they all perfect, do they all work for me, do they all work for everybody? Of course not. However, one concept that has been helpful to me is what I call the Should vs. Need philosophy.  I don't think I can say it any better than my response to Tia's post.

Tia, I think of it this way. You could write your list of could and should ideas, but are they at this time what you NEED to be focusing on. There is a difference between should and need.
One of my favorite phrases I've learned while in therapy is to "get rid of the shoulds" and focus on "my needs".
SHOULD I spend more time worrying about keeping the house clean, OR do I NEED to spend more time playing with my children, and allowing my house not to be spotless. If I get rid of the should and focus on the need, I'll spend more time with my children and less time worrying about my house being clean.
My need overthrows my should, therefore, I throw the should out the window and work on the need in my life.
Just how I've come to understand picking what is the most important things I need to be doing.
I constantly ask myself "should I be doing this" or "do I need to be doing this". It has helped me decide many a decision when I ask myself these two simple questions.

 Using my Should vs. Need philosophy, I have been able to solve other questions that come to mind.

•    Scenario #1: In 1988, President Ezra Taft Benson talked about Flooding the World with the Book of Mormon. He challenged every leader, every teacher, every home, every person to take the Book of Mormon and have it be a part of their life. He challenged us to read the Book of Mormon daily. You can read his talk at Flooding the Earth with the Book of Mormon. 

Now, I take his challenge of focusing on the Book of Mormon with my family, and I figure out what o do.
                                 Should                                                              Need

• Should we read a whole chapter every day?         vs.  Or do we Need to read only a few verses  
•                                                                                      and focus on what we learn?

As I compare my Shoulds and Need, I come to realize that I throw the Should out the Window, because we NEED to focus on what we learn, and teach my children the best way to understand the teachings of the Book of Mormon. In this way the Need is the answer. We might only read five verses a night, but we understand what we read and know how to feel our Lord's love through the Book of Mormon.

One more scenario.

•    Scenario #2: In 2013, I was hospitalized for my depression and anxiety. As a family we had to make a decision on what to do. I was in no frame of mind to make any decisions, so sadly, the decision was put upon Ryan. Not fair to him or the kids.

                                        Should                                                              Need

• Should Ryan have me hospitalized to help me?         vs.  Or did I Need to be hospitalized to get 
•                                                                                           better?

 We can look back now and see that I Needed to be hospitalized to get  the help I needed. Should I have been, of course, but the Need overthrew the Should, therefore, throwing the Should out the window.

The Should vs. Need philosophy has helped us as a family come to understand and Know what Needs to be done, versus what Should be done.