I love memes. Especially those that describe how I'm feeling as accurate as the one above. Having to deal not only with my depression and anxiety but I also have to deal with chronic pain.
There are many who think I'm lazy and just don't want to be responsible. However, this is not true. Why would I want to spend hours and even days in pain? I would so much rather be an active part of my family and friends lives.
The pain I have to live with, is at times, unbearable and difficult to explain. Depending on which part of my body is hurting the most I can be feeling anywhere from pressure to unmanageable burning and stinging. Regardless of where I hurt, many don't believe me. This hurts me. Truthfully, I fake being well so much more than I admit being in pain.
One of the many struggles I have with my pain is the ability it has to worsen my depression. When my pain becomes so intense that I cannot force myself out of bed my depression becomes debilitating.
Unable to be up and about makes me feel worthless. Then I begin to think that everyone would be better off without me. No one would have to take care of me, take off work or miss out on wanted activities because of my health. My loved ones wouldn't have to worry about what was going on with me at home while they are at work or school. There would be no more hospital/medical or prescription bills. They could use their money for things they want, instead of having to spend so much money on me for my health.
Now, I know this is inaccurate thinking, and I know where these thoughts come from, but worrying is something I struggle with (my grandmother was the "Queen" of worry).
On Tuesday I had a discectomy on my L4/L5 disc and L5/S1 disc. I was in so much pain that I couldn't walk more than 10 steps without my hips and legs feeling like I had 1,000 pins pushed into them. This pain had kept me in my own world for weeks, making my depression deepen. I was ready to just give up, but knowing my family was around I knew I couldn't give in to that feeling.
My surgery worked wonderful. I no longer have the shooting, burning pain that I had. I can feel my feet. They aren't the shape of cantaloupes, they look like actual feet. Not being in excruciating pain 24 hours a day is wonderful.
I'm so thankful for modern medicine and doctors who can perform surgery as less invasive as possible. I don't have a large scar on my back. I have a small incision the size of a fingernail. I was home 8 hours after leaving my home. I was up and walking the day of surgery. I was able to feel everything I needed to feel. It has been so nice. Not being in pain has helped immensely with my depression. I am more upbeat and happy than I was before. I am so thankful for that.
When seeing someone who cannot get out of bed, or move with ease I beg of you to try and see the person, not the situation. You never know what someone is feeling. Don't judge. Don't guilt.
Be understanding for,
. Thanks for being understanding.
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