Anxiety

There are times I feel like I am getting closer to being the person I was before my "issues" overtook my life. Then, there are times, especially recently, when I feel like I will never be 'me' again. My anxiety has once again started taking over my life.

Before my anxiety became the best of me, I use to love attending church. It was the one day a week that I truly relaxed and felt a closeness to my Heavenly Father. I held callings that I loved. My favorite callings not only involved working with the children (3-11 years old), but teaching them the music that I love. These years of service brought me such joy that those around me knew, just by looking at me, that I had worked with the children and music. 

Sadly over the past 3 1/4 years I have lost the desire to attend church, in large part due to my anxiety. There are aspects of church that makes my anxiety shoot high (See my post http://anxietyanddepressionasafamily.blogspot.com/2017/02/disappointed.html). 

My anxiety has gone through the wringer. It's high, it's low, it's average. I never know how I'm going to react to a church setting. For about 2 1/2 years I would go to church long enough to partake of the Sacrament, then I would leave and come home. About 9 months ago I started staying for all of Sacrament Meeting, but then leaving. Right before Christmas I was trying extra hard to stay for all three hours. That entailed attending all of Sacrament Meeting and then sitting in the foyer (usually with a baby) during Sunday School and Relief Society. 

As I talk about in my disappointed post, I tried attending Relief Society, and it was a disaster.  Making my anxiety skyrocket, I have been unable to stay longer than Sacrament Meeting the past few weeks. I have not been able to figure out what would help me.
 
One of my friends, Audrey, shared an article titled, "How to Enjoy Church if You Have Anxiety" (http://www.ldsdaily.com/personal-lds-blog/how-to-enjoy-church-if-you-have-anxiety/). I'm not sure how she knew I needed this article, but it has some wonderful ideas. 

Some of these ideas I already utilize. The hardest one for me is to advocate for myself. I already feel like the members of my ward are judging me and thinking I'm an inconvenience (especially in Relief Society). I hate bringing more attention to me than I already have. 

I like to ponder what might help me. Ryan sits right next to me during Sacrament Meeting, then he serves in Primary and is busy there during Sunday School and Relief Society. If he were by my side would I be OK? I'd like to think so, but that only helps during SS. After all, he is my rock. 

So, with my anxiety being so high, especially in regards to church what am I going to do? First off, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. My testimony is firm in that aspect. Next, I'll continue attending Sacrament Meeting and maybe a few months (or years) down the road I'll attempt Relief Society again. For now though, I don't want my feelings hurt again so I'll avoid Relief Society like the plague, and pray that my anxiety will start to abate.