Support

“We build deep and loving family relationships by doing simple things together. … Love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time.” —Dieter F. Uchtdorf, Of Things That Matter Most

I recall a conversation I had with my parents shortly after Ryan and I became engaged. We were discussing how short of a dating period we had before becoming engaged (5 days). One of my uncles had asked my dad how he was so comfortable with me becoming engaged to someone in such a quick time. My dad told me his response was "If you saw them together you would know they were a match."

I had forgot about this conversation until the other day while at physical therapy. Ryan and I were talking to the therapist about my health and the therapist mentioned our relationship. He commented that he could tell there was a really strong bond between Ryan and I. His comment made me pause and think about what others see in our relationship. It made me recall other friends who have made similar comments.

Earlier this year one of my friends told me that her goal is to have a relationship with her husband that mirrors ours. We've also had bishops, ward members and other friends make similar comments. Feeling interested, I took to Facebook to see what our current friends and family see when they see Ryan and I.

Here are some of the adjectives that were used to describe us: commitment, honesty, closeness, family, respect, admiration, patience, unity, love, and understanding. Some of these adjectives were used more than once.

I pondered these descriptions and thoughts for a few days, and the question, what do Ryan and I do that makes others see us in this way came to mind.

Ryan and I spend a lot of our spare time together as two, or together as a family. We both respect each other and have a deep love and commitment to our marriage.

The one adjective that I loved the most was patience. I feel this word especially describes Ryan.

Ryan is my biggest support and he has patience aplenty for my health issues. The patience he shows me when he has to drive me from appointment to appointment on every single one of his days off. The patience he shows as he sits in these appointments and listens to what is being said so he knows when I forget. The patience he shows when I do forget what I'm supposed to be doing with my health. The patience he shows when I can't get out of bed and he has to take care of the house and the children. Above all, the patience he shows me and the children as he consistently works to be there for each of us.

Having a great support system is so important when one suffers from mental illness, and having that support be a spouse helps immensely. I am blessed to have that support in my husband, who is my rock and grounding system.

He is the only one who knows how to calm me down when my anxiety gets the best of me. He knows what to say, and what not to say, to help me through an attack. He is always aware of our surroundings and making sure that I will have an "exit" if the situation overwhelms me.

And, back to the quote at the beginning, how has his love expanded to this point in our relationship, it is by T-I-M-E. We spend our time together and our love grows. What a support I have in him.

Anxiety

There are times I feel like I am getting closer to being the person I was before my "issues" overtook my life. Then, there are times, especially recently, when I feel like I will never be 'me' again. My anxiety has once again started taking over my life.

Before my anxiety became the best of me, I use to love attending church. It was the one day a week that I truly relaxed and felt a closeness to my Heavenly Father. I held callings that I loved. My favorite callings not only involved working with the children (3-11 years old), but teaching them the music that I love. These years of service brought me such joy that those around me knew, just by looking at me, that I had worked with the children and music. 

Sadly over the past 3 1/4 years I have lost the desire to attend church, in large part due to my anxiety. There are aspects of church that makes my anxiety shoot high (See my post http://anxietyanddepressionasafamily.blogspot.com/2017/02/disappointed.html). 

My anxiety has gone through the wringer. It's high, it's low, it's average. I never know how I'm going to react to a church setting. For about 2 1/2 years I would go to church long enough to partake of the Sacrament, then I would leave and come home. About 9 months ago I started staying for all of Sacrament Meeting, but then leaving. Right before Christmas I was trying extra hard to stay for all three hours. That entailed attending all of Sacrament Meeting and then sitting in the foyer (usually with a baby) during Sunday School and Relief Society. 

As I talk about in my disappointed post, I tried attending Relief Society, and it was a disaster.  Making my anxiety skyrocket, I have been unable to stay longer than Sacrament Meeting the past few weeks. I have not been able to figure out what would help me.
 
One of my friends, Audrey, shared an article titled, "How to Enjoy Church if You Have Anxiety" (http://www.ldsdaily.com/personal-lds-blog/how-to-enjoy-church-if-you-have-anxiety/). I'm not sure how she knew I needed this article, but it has some wonderful ideas. 

Some of these ideas I already utilize. The hardest one for me is to advocate for myself. I already feel like the members of my ward are judging me and thinking I'm an inconvenience (especially in Relief Society). I hate bringing more attention to me than I already have. 

I like to ponder what might help me. Ryan sits right next to me during Sacrament Meeting, then he serves in Primary and is busy there during Sunday School and Relief Society. If he were by my side would I be OK? I'd like to think so, but that only helps during SS. After all, he is my rock. 

So, with my anxiety being so high, especially in regards to church what am I going to do? First off, I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true. My testimony is firm in that aspect. Next, I'll continue attending Sacrament Meeting and maybe a few months (or years) down the road I'll attempt Relief Society again. For now though, I don't want my feelings hurt again so I'll avoid Relief Society like the plague, and pray that my anxiety will start to abate.

 

Awareness

*This week's blog post is courtesy of Hunter. He had to do a report on an illness in health class. He chose to do his report on depression and it's effects on the body. He told me he chose this subject because of what he's seen me go through, and he wants to help spread awareness.*

Depression is dangerous when unmanaged. So those who suffer from it need to take care of themselves and get help. I choose to tell the world that depression is a real illness, and how serious it is when people say they have it. The reason I want to spread this is because I know how it affects the people who live with this illness. My mom has depression and it is very serious.

What is Depression

Depression is a mental disease that is really hard to live with. People think depression is a feeling of sadness, but depression is not a feeling that comes and goes. No, it is a lifetime of despair and self-doubt. One in six people will suffer from a depressive illness at least once in their lifetime. However, nearly two-thirds of depressed people do not get appropriate treatment.

Depression is more than just feeling sad or a little under the weather. Depression is an illness caused by problems with the chemicals in your brain. This chemical imbalance affects how you feel, think and act. Research has shown that it's a medical illness just like diabetes or high blood pressure.

People who suffer from depression are not actually just sad here and there. No, this feeling of inadequacy is constant. So, when people say they have depression they are not  just trying to get attention. Actually, most would prefer that no one knows they have depression.

Symptoms of Depression

There are indications that can help you tell who is depressed. Some of these symptoms include people acting very sullen and not wanting to do anything. People who have depression tend to move very slow, they tend to have small appetites, and are very sad most of the time.

People with depression think that life is not worth living. Depression makes one think that they are not good enough for their family and friends. Some act like everything is fine, but it really hurts. This illness is very hard for them because they are lying to their friends and family. Some people cope with it by physically hurting themselves. Some wish they were not here because of how excruciating the pain they feel is. This can cause them to start having suicidal thoughts. Others just want to make themselves feel invisible. They do this so that they don’t stress anyone else out.

If you notice some of these symptoms in a friend or family member, speak up.

Types of Depression

People of any age can suffer from depression. They all suffer on different scales. Depression in children can make them feel out of place and weird. They like to not go to school. So, they play sick and don’t go to school for week. Some even want to just disappear. Adults suffer on a different scale.

Some suffer with mild depression. These people can live a pretty-basic-normal life. Those who suffer mildly can usually work outside of the home and participate in extracurricular activities. They do not feel much pain, except for they are still slower than normal.

The next level is moderate depression. Many of these people are able to perform tasks that have to be done. However, attending any other activities are not enjoyable. These sufferers are usually good at “faking it, until making it.”  They really are not as happy as they wish to be.

The highest level is severe depression. These sufferers have a hard time just getting out of bed and getting dressed for the day. They are unable to work because they are deemed ‘unreliable’ because of their illness. It can also make them not as mentally awake as a normal person is. Many severe sufferers even contemplate suicide. These thoughts are dangerous and can put a person at risk. Suicide is a permanent solution to a short-term problem. If you have thoughts like these, be sure to contact your doctor right away. Effective treatment can help you see the value of life clearly again.

Treatment

They best way to take care of depression is to get professional help. Some types of professional help include seeing a psychiatrist, a therapist, and even in severe cases medication.

Having a strong support system of family and friends is also important to survive depression. Family help is a strong bond that is needed to manage depression. Studies have been done that people with depression who have no support from family and friends have a lot more depression than with people who do have support. So, if you know anyone with depression find a way to help them live.

The world needs to know that depression is an illness and it does not define the person. This is a very serious illness that needs to be addressed to the world. It takes people from us. It is not a feeling, but it is an illness that hurts. People are not normally infected with this, you are most likely born with it. That is how serious it is.

Ways to Help

So from now on help the people you know with depression. Help them get through the rough time they are in. They might not recognize the symptoms, but the symptoms are blamed on personal weakness or the illness is so severe the person cannot reach out for help.

In closing, depression is an illness, not just a mental lapse. It is caused by chemical imbalances. It can also be caused by tragic events in someone’s life.

Above all, if you’re depressed, there is no reason to be ashamed.

Love

Love. There has been a lot of talk this week about love. However, this brings the question how does one describe love, to my mind.

According to www.dictionary.com, love is defined in the following four ways.

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

3. sexual passion or desire.

4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.

 

If you're religious and turn to the scriptures for definitions, the greatest description of love is found in the New Testament in John. 

John 3:16 reads, "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

 

As I've thought about love this week, my thoughts have drifted (naturally) to Ryan. The following are ways I KNOW that Ryan loves me.

 

1. Work--Ryan works tirelessly to provide for our family. Regardless of how he feels, he goes to work everyday and works hard to support our family.

 

2. Empathy--Ryan has the greatest empathy of anyone I know. When I am in bed for days, not being able to move, Ryan is there giving to me and trying to understand what I'm going through.  

3. Cook--Ryan works all day and then comes home and cooks for the family. He does this almost every day of the week.

4. Service--Ryan serves not only our family, but serves those around us. 

5. Teach--Ryan teaches our children how to help those in need. He does this by showing Joanie and Hunter how to best help me when I need it. 

There are a lot of other ways Ryan shows love. Ryan is my epitome of love. I was extremely blessed to find Ryan and have him as my husband. 

 

The Lord has blessed our lives for the last 17 years. We have been blessed with two wonderful, loving children. We have been blessed with a love that has withstood multiple obstacles. We have been blessed with numerous friendships in many different places. We have been blessed with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

 

Above all, we have been blessed with the knowledge of being together forever. Our love will span not only generations, but will be one that lasts forever.

 

Disappointed

*The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints holds meetings every Sunday for a three-hour block. There are three meetings; Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, and for women Relief Society.*

A few Sundays ago I was having what would be considered a good day for me. I felt up to going to church, which doesn't happen on a regular basis. I showered on Saturday night so I could sleep in on Sunday morning. I was able to get up, get ready and be to church on time. 

During Sacrament Meeting I had a little anxiety, but I was able to control it. Being able to get up and walk around the foyer helped a lot. It also helped that I was able to hold a friend's little boy. 

The next meeting I spent in the foyer holding the baby and working up the courage to go to Relief Society. 

Relief Society has been very difficult for me to attend since my depression and anxiety became all consuming. Even stepping into the room has been enough to throw me into a downward spiral of anxiety. I had been talking myself into going for two weeks.

I made a conscious decision to arrive to the Relief Society room early and sit on the back row right next to the door. Doing this I knew I would be able to see out the door and have the ability to walk out if needed. I wasn't planning on leaving though. I wanted to attend and listen to the prepared lesson. I had the perfect spot for me to sit...right next to the door, I had a baby in my arms and one of my best friends sitting next to me. 

The Relief Society president walked in and asked me if I wanted to say the prayer. I told her I could say the prayer and leave or not say the prayer and stay for the meeting. She choose someone else to say the prayer. 

The meeting started out nice. The door was open and I was semi-comfortable. Opening song was sung and prayer was said. The lesson was getting ready to begin. 

Then, coming from the hallway was the sound of men voices. And these men had voices that carried. Eyes were starting to turn to look at the door. One woman stood up and started to shut the door. I kept it open a couple inches so I could still see out the door. A couple minutes later another woman stood up and shut the door all the way. I snuck out because I couldn't do it. I couldn't be in that room without the door open. I needed my security of seeing. 

In tears I walked the church looking for my husband. I found him and pulled him out of his class. I burst into tears and told him I just wanted to go home. That I couldn't do it. I wanted to leave and never come back. He calmed me down somewhat and drove me home. 

As I sat on my bed crying I tried to figure out exactly what had upset me. Was I upset that I hadn't been able to attend all three meetings? Or, was I upset that the woman in my class, those who should support me, didn't even try to understand what I was feeling?

After some deep thinking I realized I was proud of myself for making it longer at church then I had in years. I had done well! I had succeeded in moving forward with that part of my life. For me it was a success.

I then realized that I was more upset that it seemed no one even wanted to take my feelings into consideration. Not one person came after me to see if I was OK. No one called to check on me. I felt, and continue to feel, that I'm just a small ant that no one truly cares about. I'm hurt. 

Yes, the noise coming from the hallway was louder than it could have been. But, leaving the door open just a couple of inches would have made it manageable for me. Am I being selfish with feeling this way? Should I not have become so upset over something that would have made class easier for me? Am I right to be feeling as though I don't matter? Is there a right way or wrong way for me to feel? That depends on who you are. However (and this has taken me years to understand), I have the right to feel how I feel, and NO ONE can tell me that it's wrong. 

Now, am I going to let the this event stop me from attending church. No. However, it will be some time before I'm comfortable even attempting to attend Relief Society again. I'll go to Sacrament Meeting and then sit in the hall waiting for the rest of the family to finish up their classes. Yes, I'm hurt. But, I go to church for me, not for others. I just have to remind myself that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect, but the members of the church are not. 

So, as I go forward, I'll take what I can get and feel good about what I'm able to accomplish, not what I'm not able to do.

Depression and Pain

*Disclaimer: When I set out writing this blog my goal was to help others understand how a family could live with depression and anxiety. This has come more to be how I personally handle what life throws at me. This in no way deters from what my children and husband feel. But, it has come to be an outlet for me. If anyone would like to hear from another member of my family please let me know. For now though, I'll be the one posting.*

I love memes. Especially those that describe how I'm feeling as accurate as the one above. Having to deal not only with my depression and anxiety but I also have to deal with chronic pain. 

There are many who think I'm lazy and just don't want to be responsible. However, this is not true. Why would I want to spend hours and even days in pain? I would so much rather be an active part of my family and friends lives. 

The pain I have to live with, is at times, unbearable and difficult to explain. Depending on which part of my body is hurting the most I can be feeling anywhere from pressure to unmanageable burning and stinging. Regardless of where I hurt, many don't believe me. This hurts me. Truthfully, I fake being well so much more than I admit being in pain. 

One of the many struggles I have with my pain is the ability it has to worsen my depression. When my pain becomes so intense that I cannot force myself out of bed my depression becomes debilitating. 

Unable to be up and about makes me feel worthless. Then I begin to think that everyone would be better off without me. No one would have to take care of me, take off work or miss out on wanted activities because of my health. My loved ones wouldn't have to worry about what was going on with me at home while they are at work or school. There would be no more hospital/medical or prescription bills. They could use their money for things they want, instead of having to spend so much money on me for my health.

Now, I know this is inaccurate thinking, and I know where these thoughts come from, but worrying is something I struggle with (my grandmother was the "Queen" of worry). 

On Tuesday I had a discectomy on my L4/L5 disc and L5/S1 disc. I was in so much pain that I couldn't walk more than 10 steps without my hips and legs feeling like I had 1,000 pins pushed into them. This pain had kept me in my own world for weeks, making my depression deepen. I was ready to just give up, but knowing my family was around I knew I couldn't give in to that feeling.

My surgery worked wonderful. I no longer have the shooting, burning pain that I had. I can feel my feet. They aren't the shape of cantaloupes, they look like actual feet. Not being in excruciating pain 24 hours a day is wonderful. 

I'm so thankful for modern medicine and doctors who can perform surgery as less invasive as possible. I don't have a large scar on my back. I have a small incision the size of a fingernail. I was home 8 hours after leaving my home. I was up and walking the day of surgery. I was able to feel everything I needed to feel. It has been so nice. Not being in pain has helped immensely with my depression. I am more upbeat and happy than I was before. I am so thankful for that. 

When seeing someone who cannot get out of bed, or move with ease I beg of you to try and see the person, not the situation. You never know what someone is feeling. Don't judge. Don't guilt. 

Be understanding for, 

. Thanks for being understanding.

Mind over Matter

Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Stress. Panic.

What do all these have in common? The ability to keep me from living. What could possibly help me get out of bed? Medicine, maybe. Children, high chance. Mind over matter, highly doubtful.

So, let's say that I choose to have a "mind-over-matter" day. I'm going to get up and do EVERYTHING that NEEDS and SHOULD be done. Let's see what happens.

7 a.m. Get up and get the kids up and going for school.

7:45 a.m. I'm home alone. I'll eat breakfast.

8 a.m. Exercise for 30 minutes.

8:30 a.m. Change a load of laundry.

8:45 a.m. Shower and get ready for the day.

9:30 a.m. Change laundry again.

9:40 a.m. Clean the house. This includes: dishes, dining room, front room and bathroom.

11 a.m. Get shoes and socks on.

11:15 a.m. Leave to pick up 5 year old from school.

11:30 a.m. Wait with 5 year old at elementary school. (I know if I go home I won't want to leave again.

12:30 p.m. Pick up 7 and 9 year old's from elementary school.

12:45 p.m. Drop off children at boys and girls club.

1 p.m. Arrive back home.

1:05 p.m. Change laundry again.

1:10 p.m. Look at clock and wonder about taking a nap. Realize I have a lot of things that still needed to be completed.

1:15 p.m. eat lunch with 5 year old.

1:45 p.m. Work on folding clothes.

2 p.m. Look at time and wonder how in the world I'm going to make it until 9 p.m.

2:30 p.m. Decide what to do for dinner. Pull out meat that will be needed.

3 p.m. Change laundry again.

3:15 p.m. Leave to pick up 12 and 13 year old's from Junior High.

4 p.m. Arrive back home.

4:15 p.m. Have one of the older children change laundry. Keep working on folding clothes, while looking longingly at my bed.

4:55 p.m. Send Hunter to church to meet Ryan for scouts.

5:15 p.m. Start thinking about making dinner. Sit at table and have Joanie help me with dinner.

6:30 p.m. Eat dinner.

7:30 p.m. Youngest two children get in bath and ready for bed.

8:30 p.m. Family prayer.

9 p.m. Watch a TV show with Ryan.

10 p.m. Literally crash into bed, but unable to sleep because of all the thoughts running through my head.

Midnight: Finally fall asleep.

Next three days: Can't get out of bed because my body is in shock and refuses to move. I'm in so much pain that even the thought of getting up to use the bathroom makes me cry.

So, I have one day of mind over matter, but the next few days I'm completely useless and not even able to be with the family.

Now, I'm not going to go into what a normal day looks like, but suffice it to say I usually have two naps and am able to sit at the table with the family for a few hours in the evening. On top of that the following days I'm able to still get up and be with the family.

I do have some mind over matter every day, but realizing that if I want to be a part of my family in the evenings, I MUST take my naps and not overdo it with housework.

I must remember what is the most important aspect of my life is my family. Spending those hours in the evenings with them is truthfully what gets me through my days. So, I will take my naps and be there for my husband and children.