Depression and Pain

*Disclaimer: When I set out writing this blog my goal was to help others understand how a family could live with depression and anxiety. This has come more to be how I personally handle what life throws at me. This in no way deters from what my children and husband feel. But, it has come to be an outlet for me. If anyone would like to hear from another member of my family please let me know. For now though, I'll be the one posting.*

I love memes. Especially those that describe how I'm feeling as accurate as the one above. Having to deal not only with my depression and anxiety but I also have to deal with chronic pain. 

There are many who think I'm lazy and just don't want to be responsible. However, this is not true. Why would I want to spend hours and even days in pain? I would so much rather be an active part of my family and friends lives. 

The pain I have to live with, is at times, unbearable and difficult to explain. Depending on which part of my body is hurting the most I can be feeling anywhere from pressure to unmanageable burning and stinging. Regardless of where I hurt, many don't believe me. This hurts me. Truthfully, I fake being well so much more than I admit being in pain. 

One of the many struggles I have with my pain is the ability it has to worsen my depression. When my pain becomes so intense that I cannot force myself out of bed my depression becomes debilitating. 

Unable to be up and about makes me feel worthless. Then I begin to think that everyone would be better off without me. No one would have to take care of me, take off work or miss out on wanted activities because of my health. My loved ones wouldn't have to worry about what was going on with me at home while they are at work or school. There would be no more hospital/medical or prescription bills. They could use their money for things they want, instead of having to spend so much money on me for my health.

Now, I know this is inaccurate thinking, and I know where these thoughts come from, but worrying is something I struggle with (my grandmother was the "Queen" of worry). 

On Tuesday I had a discectomy on my L4/L5 disc and L5/S1 disc. I was in so much pain that I couldn't walk more than 10 steps without my hips and legs feeling like I had 1,000 pins pushed into them. This pain had kept me in my own world for weeks, making my depression deepen. I was ready to just give up, but knowing my family was around I knew I couldn't give in to that feeling.

My surgery worked wonderful. I no longer have the shooting, burning pain that I had. I can feel my feet. They aren't the shape of cantaloupes, they look like actual feet. Not being in excruciating pain 24 hours a day is wonderful. 

I'm so thankful for modern medicine and doctors who can perform surgery as less invasive as possible. I don't have a large scar on my back. I have a small incision the size of a fingernail. I was home 8 hours after leaving my home. I was up and walking the day of surgery. I was able to feel everything I needed to feel. It has been so nice. Not being in pain has helped immensely with my depression. I am more upbeat and happy than I was before. I am so thankful for that. 

When seeing someone who cannot get out of bed, or move with ease I beg of you to try and see the person, not the situation. You never know what someone is feeling. Don't judge. Don't guilt. 

Be understanding for, 

. Thanks for being understanding.

Mind over Matter

Pain. Depression. Anxiety. Stress. Panic.

What do all these have in common? The ability to keep me from living. What could possibly help me get out of bed? Medicine, maybe. Children, high chance. Mind over matter, highly doubtful.

So, let's say that I choose to have a "mind-over-matter" day. I'm going to get up and do EVERYTHING that NEEDS and SHOULD be done. Let's see what happens.

7 a.m. Get up and get the kids up and going for school.

7:45 a.m. I'm home alone. I'll eat breakfast.

8 a.m. Exercise for 30 minutes.

8:30 a.m. Change a load of laundry.

8:45 a.m. Shower and get ready for the day.

9:30 a.m. Change laundry again.

9:40 a.m. Clean the house. This includes: dishes, dining room, front room and bathroom.

11 a.m. Get shoes and socks on.

11:15 a.m. Leave to pick up 5 year old from school.

11:30 a.m. Wait with 5 year old at elementary school. (I know if I go home I won't want to leave again.

12:30 p.m. Pick up 7 and 9 year old's from elementary school.

12:45 p.m. Drop off children at boys and girls club.

1 p.m. Arrive back home.

1:05 p.m. Change laundry again.

1:10 p.m. Look at clock and wonder about taking a nap. Realize I have a lot of things that still needed to be completed.

1:15 p.m. eat lunch with 5 year old.

1:45 p.m. Work on folding clothes.

2 p.m. Look at time and wonder how in the world I'm going to make it until 9 p.m.

2:30 p.m. Decide what to do for dinner. Pull out meat that will be needed.

3 p.m. Change laundry again.

3:15 p.m. Leave to pick up 12 and 13 year old's from Junior High.

4 p.m. Arrive back home.

4:15 p.m. Have one of the older children change laundry. Keep working on folding clothes, while looking longingly at my bed.

4:55 p.m. Send Hunter to church to meet Ryan for scouts.

5:15 p.m. Start thinking about making dinner. Sit at table and have Joanie help me with dinner.

6:30 p.m. Eat dinner.

7:30 p.m. Youngest two children get in bath and ready for bed.

8:30 p.m. Family prayer.

9 p.m. Watch a TV show with Ryan.

10 p.m. Literally crash into bed, but unable to sleep because of all the thoughts running through my head.

Midnight: Finally fall asleep.

Next three days: Can't get out of bed because my body is in shock and refuses to move. I'm in so much pain that even the thought of getting up to use the bathroom makes me cry.

So, I have one day of mind over matter, but the next few days I'm completely useless and not even able to be with the family.

Now, I'm not going to go into what a normal day looks like, but suffice it to say I usually have two naps and am able to sit at the table with the family for a few hours in the evening. On top of that the following days I'm able to still get up and be with the family.

I do have some mind over matter every day, but realizing that if I want to be a part of my family in the evenings, I MUST take my naps and not overdo it with housework.

I must remember what is the most important aspect of my life is my family. Spending those hours in the evenings with them is truthfully what gets me through my days. So, I will take my naps and be there for my husband and children.

Why I Take Medicine for my Depression and Anxiety

My health history would not only surprise some, but it would bore some to death. Just to give you a sneak peek into my health, here's some information. Not only do I suffer from depression and anxiety but I also have diabetes, Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, migraines, and a host of other issues. 

There are some who question whether or not medicine is beneficial or needed to treat mental diseases. Yes, even I have friends and family members who are naysayers. I have been told "life will get better", "You need to think positive", and one of my favorite, "It's all in your head". Of course it's all in my head. I have a mental disease and without a brain my issues wouldn't exist.

A number of years ago when I was being treated for high blood pressure I was being seen by a wonderful doctor. I was in my late 20s and struggling with having to take medicine daily. My doctor asked me the only question he knew would make me take my medicine regularly. "Do you want to see your children graduate high school and get married?" I immediately started crying. How could he be so mean? How could he even question my love for my children? After I calmed down I told him that yes I wanted to be around for those events. His response, "Well, you need to take your damn medicine"!

This exclamation was an eyeopener for me. Was taking medication for my high blood pressure really going to help me live longer? I decided taking it was a necessity.

Fast forward five years and I still have high blood pressure, but I've now been diagnosed with diabetes and my depression. I have a new doctor and I'm extremely hesitant to take meds for my depression. 

It is socially unacceptable and an embarrassment to take medicine for depression. I should be able to deal with my depression on my own. My life is ideal, why do I suffer from depression? All these thoughts went through my mind, and were verbally said to me. I was heartbroken. How could I admit to having a mental disease if no one believed me or supported me? 

Once again at my doctor visit he begins asking me questions. 

Doc:  "Do you take medicine for your high blood pressure?"

Me: "Yes."

Doc: "Do you take medicine for your diabetes?"

Me: "Of course."

Doc: "Why is it OK for you to take medicine for these diseases, but not for your depression?"

Me: "I could die if I don't take my other medicine."

Doc: "The same thing could happen if we don't control your depression."

It was hard to hear this, but it was what I needed to hear. At that time I was able to stay on the medicine for a year and then go off it for a number of years. 

Sadly, three years later I was hospitalized and have not been able to get off medicine for my depression and anxiety.

I no longer feel that it is wrong to take medicine for a mental disease. I can admit that I will be on medication for the rest of my life, and I'm OK with that. My life is still great. I have a loving husband who spoils me, two wonderful children who make being a mom easy, and family and friends who, I hope, are beginning to understand a little more about mental illness.

So, the answer to why do I take medicine for my mental diseases is this: I want to be a mom. I want to live and see my children graduate from school. I want to see them get married. Above all, I want to be a mom to my children in the here and now. I want to be a mom they can say was there for them, and who loves them with all my heart. I don't have to be 100% all the time, but me at 30% is still better than me at 0%. And the only way for me to be this mom is to take my medicine.

2016...We Survived

We Survived

This past year can be described in two words...We Survived.

Ryan and I survived our 16-year-anniversary.

We survived Ryan's job change.

We survived Abby's near-obsession with family history.

We survived a trip to Barnes and Noble and Deseret Book for Joanie's 14th birthday.

We survived Joanie babysitting all summer. 

We survived Joanie growing 3-4 inches.
 
We survived Hunter turning 12 and entering junior high.

We survived Hunter growing 6-7 inches, making him taller than Joanie and Abby (this was a BIG survival).

We survived Hunter's first-seven-day scout camping trip (Abby by a hair).

We survived the death of Abby's granny and grandpa.

We survived the death of our beloved Shih tzu, Winky.

We survived getting a new puppy, Charley.

We survived two weddings in one day.
We survived Abby having back surgery, again.

We survived Joanie having her lingual tonsils out (2-days before Christmas).

We survived Abby's parents starting a 2-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

We survived multiple short road trips; including trips to South Dakota, California, Las Vegas, and Beaver Dam. 

We survived having our friend and her three daughters move in with us 2 1/2 weeks before Christmas.

Above all, we survived another year of Abby being in constant pain, and the depression and anxiety that comes from being in that much pain.

Here's to 2017!

 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...Oh, how I loathe this saying. I have heard it many times over the past few years, and if I never hear it again it will be too soon.

Three years ago my depression and anxiety was so severe that the decision was made for me to be hospitalized. I was hospitalized for a total of three weeks. I was hospitalized for one week the first time, and then I was re-hospitalized a week later for two weeks. I was at my lowest point ever. I had no desire to live or push forward. It was pure hell.

At this time in my life I felt I had nothing to to live for. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved Ryan and Joanie and Hunter, but the pain was so unbearable I didn't feel I could continue. The pain that came from my depression and anxiety was, and is, all-encompassing. There is not a point on my body that didn't hurt. I hurt emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. It felt too hard to continue forward in this life. 

I can look at this time in my life in two different ways...I was either extremely blessed or extremely lucky. Where my faith has been such an integral part of my healing I have to go with being extremely blessed. As I've been looking through my journal from my time in the hospital I can see the Lord's hand in my life. At the time it was not easy to turn to the Lord, but over the past few years as my faith has grown it's become easier to turn to the Lord for help.

As I've been looking back through my journal I see the scriptures and inspiration I received from the apostles and prophets. I see where they worked into my life without my knowledge. One of the opportunities was listening to the 2013 October General Conference. On that Saturday afternoon I had made a trip to Salt Lake to get a dog for me. On the way back Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a member of the Quorum of the 12, gave a talk. His talk was titled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk helped me in so many ways. I know it didn't help only me, because I saw the impact on Joanie's life. 

As I was driving home from Salt Lake I received a number of calls from family and friends asking me if I had heard this talk. Granted, I only heard a little of it. The caller who impressed me the most was Joanie. At the time she was she was 11 years old, almost 12. She called me and told me I HAD to watch and listen to this talk by Elder Holland. She then began to tell me what inspiration she had received while listening to Elder Holland. 

I can tell you this, it is extraordinarily humbling to have your child teach you. I was, and continue to be, amazed with how close to the Holy Ghost Joanie was. Even three years later she listens to conference diligently and with hope of hearing the prophet or apostles teach from the Lord. This talk touched us both so deeply that we have printed off and read and reread it multiple times.

In his talk Elder Holland said, "So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

This poignant part of his talk has helped me push forward in my most troubling times. I can now look back and see the times when Satan wanted to drag me under, and not let me succeed. But now I can see the Lord's hands pulling me to him, encouraging me to never lose my faith, to remember the atonement and to seek for understanding. I love the quote from President Thomas S. Monson.

“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”

So many times have I felt the Lord's love for me. I have not only felt the love from my Heavenly Father, but I have felt the love from Jesus Christ. I have developed a better understanding of the atonement; particularly that the atonement is not only for those who sin.

One talk that gave me a better understanding of the atonement was given in 2012 by Elder David A. Bednar. He spoke at a BYU devotional. He said,

"Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully."

Before my depression and anxiety became all consuming I did not realize that the atonement is there to help me become a better person and move forward in this life. Learning more about the atonement has been integral in my stepping forward. 

At times I still take one step forward and two steps back, but I can now see my progress. I recognize that now my forward steps are large and my two steps back are more like shuffles. 

To end this I want to share something I learned while in the hospital. I had been reading the Book of Mormon and was in Alma. Alma 33:18 & 21 it reads, "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

My faith has sustained me and will continue to sustain me through the difficult times in my life. 

Talks Quoted: 
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/liahona/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng