Introducing...Joanie

I have sat down at the computer a number of times to introduce Joanie and have stopped because I don't know how to describe Joanie to everyone. It's a challenge to describe a child who is so special in so many ways. My goal today is to actually be able to introduce Joanie in a way that everyone who gets to know her understands how special she is.

Joanie is 13 years old. Not only is she named after an incredible lady, Joanie Rich, she is a lot like Joanie #1 and has many of the same attributes. We couldn't have named her after a better lady.

Joanie is in 7th grade at Excelsior Academy where she excels in all her subjects. She plays the flute in band, and has picked up Spanish at an alarmingly quick rate. After being in Utah History for a couple of weeks, she found out that her teacher, Mr. Maher, is related to her through Ryan's family. This has made history much more interesting for her. Although math and science are her challenging classes she still pulls off an A every term.

Joanie has a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that is stronger than my testimony. She has a unique bond with her Heavenly Father and older brother Jesus Christ. She knows where and whom to turn to in times of need. She loves attending church and is actively involved in the Young Woman program. She has an inner-light that glows for everyone to see. She loves watching General Conference. When she listens to conference she is enlightened with thoughts of friends and family who need to read/hear such topics. Seeing how she has the Holy Ghost with her at all times brings a fresh start to our family.

Joanie enjoys children and babysits around the neighborhood. She has been referred to as a child-whisperer and baby-whisperer in the past. Children love her and she loves them. She is patient and kind to all children.

Joanie is much like me. She has a few close friends, but lots of friends. She has a personality that draws others to her.

When she entered our life, she came as a gift from God. As I look back over the past years I know she was sent to us at a time when she would be able to help at the best possible time.

I don't know if this does any justice introducing Joanie, but she is an amazing and incredible young woman who I'm thankful to call my daughter.

Back to our scheduled introductions...Ryan (the caregiver)

I'm (Abby) am going to finish the introductions and then get started on everyone writing about their experience. Today, I'm going to introduce my caregiver, Ryan, who is also my husband.

Ryan grew up in a family of 9 boys in Cedar City, Utah. He is the second-to-youngest. By the time Ryan was a teen his mom had become bedridden for a few years. She had injured herself by falling on some stairs. Having his mom in bed gave Ryan a sense of empathy that he needed to learn at a young age so he would be to be able to care for me.

Ryan started working at the age of 15 at the Pizza Factory. He worked there until he left for his mission to New Jersey. Upon returning from his mission he returned to working at the Pizza Factory and started attending school at Southern Utah University (SUU).

Ryan and my cousin Karl, were best friends growing up. They lived on the same street and spent a lot of time together. Ryan and I assume we met when we were younger, but neither of us can recall a time. It was in 1999 that I went to SUU to apply for a scholarship and I was introduced to Ryan. We saw each other a couple times during the summer of 1999. Upon completing high school I decided upon SUU to continue my education. Ryan and I were reintroduced and we began dating.

Ryan works at WalMart as an assistant manager. He works hard and comes home and takes care of me and the house and the children. He doesn't complain and does what needs to be done. He is also a worthy priesthood holder, and willingly gives me blessings when asked.

And that, is Ryan, the caregiver.

My Life is a Gift

I had no plans to write another post this week, but I have been in bed for three hours with the song "I Will Follow God's Plan" going through my mind over and over again. I first learned this song when I was in Primary (a child's program for children 3-11 years of age for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). I haven't thought of the song in quite some years, but over the past few months, it has been a constant in my mind. The lyrics and music were written in 1981 by Vanja Y. Watkins, they are:

My life is a gift; my life has a plan.

My life has a purpose; in heav'n it began.

My choice was to come to this lovely home on earth

And seek for God's light to direct me from birth.

I will follow God's plan for me,

Holding fast to his word and his love.

I will work, and I will pray;

I will always walk in his way.

Then I will be happy on earth

And in my home above.

I know of many who have questions regarding life. Generally, the three top questions are:

1: Who am I?

2: Why am I here?

3: Where am I going?

As I have suffered with my depression and anxiety I have asked these questions time and time again. This song answers these three questions in such simplicity that even children as young as three can answer these questions.

1: Who am I? I am a daughter of a loving Father in Heaven. I am the sister of a man, so perfect, that he was unable to live longer than 33 years before being crucified for me. 

In October 2013, just after being released from Salt Lake Behavioral Health, was the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints bi-yearly General Conference. On Saturday, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland gave a talk entitled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk touched me in ways that I thought unimaginable. He said, 

"Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend."

https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

This answers the question of Who am I?

2: Why am I here? As we sing in "I Will Follow God's Plan", I am here because my life is a gift and it has a plan and purpose. I chose to come to earth and agreed to these struggles (knowing this does not make the suffering any easier). I chose to come seek and ask for God's light to direct me in his plan for my life. Giving up control is one of the hardest things anyone can do. I still struggle with control on a daily basis. 

There are times I think, Why me? What am I doing wrong? What am I supposed to be learning? For we all have struggles to learn what we don't have. These questions do NOT come from my Heavenly Father, but they come from a being so insensitive and cruel that he was cast out of Heaven in the preexistence. That's right, I speak of Lucifer, or better known as Satan. He does NOT want me to be happy. He wants my struggles to blind me to the love of my Father in Heaven and family. He wants me to drag myself to a place where I cannot return from. That is what Satan wants from me. I refuse to give in, and will push myself to the extreme to prove to myself and Christ that he did not die in vain because of me.

3: Where am I going? I will be happy in my home above. I am going to heaven. I will be reunited with my grandparents, friends, and family who have left this earth already. I will see and understand why I am going through this pain. I will be welcomed with open arms by my loving Heavenly Father, and my brother Jesus Christ.

So, as I think of this song, and the season that we are just ending. I think of love and hope for the new year. I think of survival and understanding, not just for me, but for my family. And I think, I did it. I made it through 2015 without succumbing to Satan's grasp. I am a survivor and I will continue to survive, and hopefully one day, live my life to it's fullest. Therefore, following God's plan for me!

If interested you can listen to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing "My Life is a Gift," by clicking on the link below.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4VdEZ5EwS1s

I interrup the Introductions...

I know all the introductions to our story haven't been made. However, with Christmas just behind us, I want to share a "Christmas Miracle" with you. This story I share involves many individuals who love me. I have three primary reasons for sharing this story.

#1-The story is an answer to many prayers, therefore, showing me that Heavenly Father DOES answer prayers. The last few months it has been difficult for me to pray, but I now know the Lord answers prayers in his own time and way. Sometimes it's fast and easy, and other times it's slow and difficult.

#2-This story shows how family and friends around the world can help those they don't know. 

#3-Miracles still happen.

So, without further ado, let me start my story.

This Christmas will always be remembered as the Miracle Christmas

Christmas Eve afternoon my dad, Eldon Bohman, was supposed to meet my nephew Zeph Bohman at LAX and fly to SLC. Zeph had flown from Australia to LA to come and spend Christmas and New Year's with my parents. My dad arrived at LAX and went to meet Zeph at Customs. Somehow, Zeph was able to get past my dad and get to where he needed to board the plane to SLC. My dad went everywhere at LAX trying to find information about where Zeph was. Dad was given the go around everywhere he went and asked questions. My dad looked for Zeph everywhere for hours without anyone at LAX helping him. 

My mom called me about 5:30 and told me what she knew was going on. When I got off the phone I told Ryan, Joanie, and Hunter what I I had been told. We stopped what we were doing and Ryan prayed for Zeph's safety and for us to be able to know where Zeph was. 

During the prayer I had a distinct impression to go across the street and talk to our neighbors, Anne M Stephenson and James Mitchel Stephenson. Unknown as to how they would be able to help. I explained the situation to them, and without questions they made phone calls that we, as a family, would not have known to call. Thanks to these wonderful friends we learned where Zeph was and finding out he was enroute to SLC. 

I made calls to my parents letting them know what we found out. Being the closest to the airport we got in the car and headed to Salt Lake. When we arrived at the airport Ryan was going to just drop me off at the terminal. I wanted to go in myself but Ryan said the kids needed to go in with me. I was worried because I didn't want to worry about the kids while I was so worried about my nephew.

Once the kids and I were in the airport I placed them at baggage claim with their phone, and went to a ticket agent. The ticket agent was able to get me up to the gate. However, I somehow missed him coming off the plane. Because I listened to Ryan, and he listened to the Spirit, Joanie and Hunter were in the place to see Zeph at the baggage claim. 

I was able to reconnect with the Zeph and the kids and Ryan picked us up outside the airport. We were able to drive to my parents' and back to Tooele safely. (The sad part of the story is my dad spent Christmas Day in L.A. with no family. He arrived home Christmas night.)

This experience has helped my testimony of prayer expand 10-fold. I know the Lord kept Zeph safe and guided the rest of us to know where he was. I know the Lord put the Stephenson's (who only recently moved in) home so they could help our family. It has taught me that I need to look for the miracles, even small ones; realizing that although I do suffer from mental illness the Lord will put miracles in my path, just to help me grow. The Lord knows each of us and what we are capable of. 
 
So, this Christmas is my "Christmas Miracle" and Zeph is my Miracle. 










Zeph and Abby 
Christmas 2015

Abby (the sufferer)

I apologize for the delay in not having another post. My goal is one entry a week, but when there are holidays, it could be two weeks.

Today I'm going to start introducing our family and whom we represent in our home. Whether it be the suffer, the caretaker, or our children, we all have a story to tell.

As the one who suffers (obviously I'm the one on the right) with the depression and the anxiety it is at times, a challenge to let others in.  However, when my depression became extreme I felt that my Heavenly Father wanted me to talk about what I'm going through and how I'm dealing with these debilitating diseases. It's taken 2 1/2 years to get to this point where I can share our story with the world. Yet, I digress. Let me give some background regarding me.

I was born to two parents who taught us to live righteously. When I was born I came home to three older brothers. Then 3 1/2 years later, my sister was born. We were raised as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. We grew up in a small farming town, where surprise, we lived on a farm. We had chickens, sheep, cows, pigs, you get the point. The town was so small, that if we did something in the morning, by the evening our parents knew about it.

Living in a small town, where everybody knows EVERYTHING, was not always fun. But, there are days now where I wish I could go back to those days of freedom and raise my children in a time when we were not constantly on alert for attacks against our great country.

I was blessed to live within walking distance of my paternal grandparents. I have wonderful memories of snapping peas on the patio with my grandma. Other memories of large family parties, and being surrounded by those I loved, and who loved me. 

My maternal grandparents lived in different states, so I didn't see them as much as my Bohman grandparents. I remember some of their visits, but other times, I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood. 

It sounds like I had a wonderful world growing up, right? Why should someone who had so much love and happiness suffer from depression and anxiety? I don't know. If you figure out the answers to those questions, I would love to know. 

I was not gorgeous, I didn't have a lot of talents and I didn't have a lot of close friends, friends yes, but not close ones. When I entered high school I became friends with a group of friends who accepted me for me. This group was the backbone of my teenage years.

It was in the fall of 1994  that I first entered into my journal, "I hate my life." One sentence, but so much pain in that sentence. I would have my good days and bad days, ups and downs, but never to the point of wanting to hurt myself or others. I kept my feelings to myself so I didn't upset my parents. I was the peacekeeper. I hated confrontation, therefore I hid my feelings.

After graduating high school, I moved to Cedar City, Utah to go to school at Southern Utah University. I met my husband and we were married 3 1/2 months later. He was put in my life when the Lord knew I needed him. Almost 3 years later we had our daughter, then 16 months later we had our son. The lights of my life. I had been put on bed rest for two months with our son and ended up having postpartum depression. I was able to pull myself out of that funk. 

Over the years, I would get into a funk and be able to pull myself out of it. Then in 2013, I lost it. I don't remember 2013 for the most part, but I do remember being hospitalized so I could get on some medication to help my moods and my anxiety. 

The last few years have been difficult on our family. We've had to bond together, and come closer as a family to stay a family. I will never be able to express in words the love I have for Ryan and the kids. I can say with certainty that, if it weren't for them, I doubt I'd still be here. They are amazing! 

Introduction to Anxiety and Depression

Mental Illness. "cringe". How is it possible that we, as humans, can openly discuss cancer, diabetes, MS, etc., but when we hear mental illness, the room goes silent. Mental illness is as important to know about as the aforementioned illness'.

As we write, we will only write about what WE know. This means we will not write about bipolar, schizophrenia, or PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). We have NOT lived or suffered from these terrible mental illness'. We will write about depression and anxiety, for these are the two mental illness' we as a family have been living with -- and surviving -- at the same time.


The hope of this blog is to be the voices rising to get the knowledge that is needed to have a deeper understanding of mental illness. Not just from the sufferers' point of view, but from the caretaker's view, and the view of children who have lived through the hell of not having a parent mentally, and at times, physically present.

There are four of us in our little family. I (Abby) am the sufferer. My husband (Ryan) has been the caretaker of not only me, but our home and family. Last our two children, Joanie (13) and Hunter (11) have missed out on childhood experiences because of my illness. They have needed to grow up faster than their peers.

I'm going to go back to the days of childhood school, where when you first learn a new topic, you are given definitions to give you a base line to begin your knowledge. This first blog may seem tedious and boring to some, I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. For those individuals who feel this way, this is only the first entry. To those who need the understanding of terminology that goes with mental wellness, I hope what I give you is simple enough to understand, but not so simple you're left with questions.

The definitions I use will come use from Merriam-Webster online dictionary. The terminology I feel needed are:
sufferer
caretaker
anxiety
panic disorder
depression
counseling

Sufferer - 1 to experience pain, 2 to experience something unpleasant, 3  to submit to or be forced to endure

Caretaker - one who gives physical or emotional care and support

Anxiety - 1 fear or nervousness about what might happen, 2 an abnormal and overwhelming sense of apprehension and fear often marked by physiological signs (as sweating, tension, and increased pulse)

Panic Disorder - an anxiety disorder characterized by recurrent unexpected panic attacks 

Depression -  1 a state of feeling sad, 2 a psychoneurotic or psychotic disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty in thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal tendencies

Counseling - professional guidance of the individual by utilizing psychological methods
 
All of these definitions are correct. However, there is a lot more to anxiety and depression than these definitions. For every person who suffers from these ailments their symptoms may be different. Meaning, what my family and I have suffered and felt with my mental illness', another family can have completely different experiences and feelings.

As we continue this journey as a family, we'd like all to know we want AND expect questions in our comments. We want to help others see that there are options when going through mental illness. 

Broken minds can be healed just the way broken bones and broken hearts are healed.
Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, Oct. 2013