Fear vs. Faith

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t move.

I can’t talk.

I can’t hear.

Stop. Help Me.

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t see.

I can’t feel.

I can’t be.

Stop. Help Me.

Fear. What do you fear? I fear many things. I fear closed-in spaces. I fear heights. I fear flying. I fear groups of people. I fear embarrassment. I fear failure. I fear loss. I fear love. I fear my feelings. I fear rejection. I fear faith.

You might ask how can I fear faith. Are fear and faith not the antithesis of each other? By definition they are. I use to think that my faith was greater than my fear. Now, my fear causes me to question my faith. I want to overcome my fear and instead, let my faith be my anchor.

In the book of 2 Timothy in the New Testament, we are told, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) If our loving heavenly Father gives us the spirit of love and faith, who gives us the spirit of Fear? Where faith is the opposite of fear, it stands to reason that fear comes from Satan, who is the opposite of God.

As I’ve been thinking about my fear and my faith I have finally decided that it is time to start moving past my fear, and not only put my faith in God, but I need to start living by my faith not my fear. How am I going to live by my faith not my fear? The only answer I have is small steps and one day at a time (how cliche, right).

St. George LDS Temple

What am I going to do to begin? First, I’m preparing to go to the St. George Temple in a week and a half. The temple use to be a place I could go and feel peace and comfort. However, other than going and doing baptisms and confirmations for the dead with Ryan, Joanie and Hunter, I have not been in the temple for more than a year, and in the past three years I have only been once. Am I proud of this, absolutely not. Do I have valid reasons, to me I do. Attending the temple I am faced with four large fears. There are small rooms, groups of people, I can become embarrassed and I fear what I will feel in the temple. 

After baptisms/confirmations @ Provo LDS Temple.

 This upcoming trip to the temple is for a very special event. We are attending with Ryan’s brother’s and sister’s-in-law, to seal his dad to his grandparents. Where this is such a great event, I have been preparing mentally to be able to attend. Do I believe this will be a walk in the park? Nope. I know my anxiety will rise and it will take my whole entire will to get through that day. But I am determined to make it.

I know attending the temple once isn’t going to take my fear completely away, but I know it is the first step to take. As I work to overcome my fears I know it isn’t going to be easy or disappear right away. Where fear has ruled my life for three years, I expect it will take at least the next three years to rewire my brain to turn to my faith instead of my fear.

In his initial talk as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Quentin L. Cook talked about faith and fear. His talk, Live by Faith and Not by Fear, he said, 

“When we choose to follow Christ in faith rather than choosing another path out of fear, we are blessed with a consequence that is consistent with our choice.” (October 2007: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/11/live-by-faith-and-not-by-fear.p1?lang=eng)

I look forward to my “consequences” from choosing faith over fear.

We Believe

As I’ve contemplated what I’d like to put on here to share our life; happiness and sadness, good and bad, struggles and achievements with you I realized that a lot of our life is good and our accomplishments because of what we believe. Many will not understand some concepts that I know we will be talking about here. I feel a need to explain some of these concepts that we not only believe, but we KNOW are true!

This might be boring to read, but I feel it will help you understand future posts. I’m going to list and explain these concepts.

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: This is the name of the church we belong to. We are more commonly referred to as Mormons.
Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ: This book is scripture, comparable to the Bible. However, we also believe in the Bible.
Doctrine & Covenants (D&C): This is another book of scripture. The Doctrine & Covenants are “revelations and inspired declarations given for the establishment and regulation of the kingdom of God on the earth in the last days.” 1
General Conference: This is a bi-yearly general meeting for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In these meetings we are taught by our Prophet, Apostles and other Leaders. The meetings take place the first weekend of April and then again in October.
Atonement: “The word describes the setting, ‘at one’ of those who have been estranged and denotes the reconciliation of man to God. …The purpose of atonement is to correct or overcome the consequences of sin. Jesus Christ, as the Only Begotten Son of God and the only sinless person to live on this earth, was the only one capable of making an atonement for mankind. His divine Sonship, His sinless life, the shedding of His blood in the garden of Gethsemane, His death on the cross and subsequent bodily resurrection from the grave, He made a perfect atonement for mankind. All are covered unconditionally as pertaining to the Fall of Adam.” 2
Forever Family: We believe that families can be together forever. We can be sealed in a temple for not only time, but all eternity.
Temple: There are 151 operating temples, 4 are in a renovation stage, 15 are under new construction, and 11 have been announced. “In the temple we are taught, we make covenants, and we are promised blessings.” 3
Family History: We believe that we are linked to our ancestors forever. We research our ancestors and then we, as proxy’s, go to the temple and perform the needed ordinances.
Missionary: Usually a young man or young woman who leaves their family and serves the Lord by teaching the Gospel to others. There are also couple missionaries who serve. (If interested in meeting with a missionary, please let me know. I will help get you in touch with one.)
Priesthood: We believe there are two levels of Priesthood, the Aaronic and Melchezidek. The priesthood is held by worthy men in the Church. They use this priesthood for good. Some ways the priesthood is used include; blessings and ordinances.
Articles of Faith: There are 13 statements outlining Latter-day Saint beliefs. These statements were given by Joseph Smith to an editor of the Chicago Democrat. These statements explain what we believe.

I’m sure over time there will be other concepts we need to explain and we will explain those as they arise.

I firmly believe in these concepts. I know with all my heart and mind that these are true, and that we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows all and won’t give us more than we can handle (although at times it seems we have too much to handle). I know that we have a living prophet on earth. I know that families are forever. I’m so thankful for this knowledge, and knowing I will always be with my loved ones. I know that through the Atonement of Christ, not only can I be forgiven of my sins, but I also know that Christ felt every little pain I have, and will feel. I know that Christ is my elder brother, and that he loves me unconditionally. I know the power of the Priesthood can be used for good. The Priesthood has been used many times to help me feel better. This knowledge brings much comfort to me. I believe the 13 statements, known as the Articles of Faith, are true. They simply explain, better than I could, what we believe. I know that as I read the scriptures and pray about my decisions, the Lord will continue to bless, not only me, but my family. My testimony is strong. I KNOW the Gospel is true, and I KNOW that I can be guided to help others. Again, I KNOW I have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy and succeed. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

#1. Doctrine & Covenants Introduction.
#2. Bible Dictionary: Atonement.
#3. www.lds.org. “What Happens in Temples.”

Death Sucks

Death sucks!

Not only is death hard on everyone involved, it's a painful, and sometimes difficult issue to discuss with your children. It is so heartbreaking to watch your child sob uncontrollably about anything, but even harder for a time when you are grieving yourself.

Our family has gone through a plethora of deaths in the last two years. We have lost Ryan's dad, two of my cousins, my aunt, my granny and now my grandfather. My children have experienced death at such a young age, that it is heartbreaking to tell them another person they love has died.

Now, I'm not saying that I regret my children growing up with so many people to love, and be loved in return. No, I'm thankful for how blessed my children have been. They have been blessed to not only know both sets of grandparents, but they have known four of their great grandparents. And not just know who they are, but actually KNOW them and have a relationship with them.t

Although I originally thought it was rare for children to know their great grandparents, I found out the percentage is actually higher. In an article in 2006, in the New York Times, "Here Come the great-grandparents", writer By STEPHANIE ROSENBLOOM reports that by 2030 about 70% of 8 year olds will be living with their great grandparents. WOW!! That number astounds me. However, I also know that knowing your GREAT grandparents, and knowing them well, is unique, and special in many ways. My children have been blessed in this aspect.

Sadly, experiencing so much death has made my children sensitive to death. However, with the knowledge and testimony of eternal families we KNOW we will see our loved ones again. The peace we receive with this great faith helps lessen the pain of losing our loved ones. As each of our faith grows we come to a more secure knowledge and comfort of love that we will be reunited with our loved ones.

So, today as many of my friends decide who to cheer for in the annual "Holy War" between BYU and Utah, my family will be celebrating my grandpa's life.

A man who loved all completely and unconditionally. A man who not only fiercely loved his country, but fought to keep it free. A man who loved his family fiercely. A man whose testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was so strong that many drew from his testimony in times of question. A man who without fail made you feel as though you were the most special and important person in his life. A man who loved his wife so strongly that no one could question his love for her. A man who enjoyed and loved his 10 children, 27 grandchildren, and 12 great-grandchildren with such loyalty and love it couldn't be questioned. A man I am proud to call my grandpa.

So as my friends cheer for their favorite team (of which I could care less) I will be doing something not as fun, but much more meaningful. I will be celebrating Grandpa's life.

I LOVE you Grandpa Edwards. I'm so grateful for all you taught me and for the love you showed to my family. I know you are in a better place and not in pain anymore. You have been reunited with many of your ancestors, and with Grandma and Grandpa Bohman. I will always remember your love and your amazing testimony.

Please watch over our family. Until we meet again may the Lord watch over all your descendants. We all love you.

Trying

This week has been a TRYING week.

I’ve been TRYING to deal with my pain.
I’ve been TRYING to understand why I have to feel such pain.
I’ve been TRYING to be patient with all my health issues.
I‘ve been TRYING to understand what each pain stands for.

I’ve been TRYING to ignore the gloom that wants to descend on me.
I’ve been TRYING to keep my emotions clear.
I’ve been TRYING to be patient with my children and husband.
I’ve been TRYING to love my family unconditionally.

I’ve been TRYING to remain optimistic about life.
I’ve been TRYING to accept my destiny.
I’ve been TRYING to remember the reasons for pushing forward.
I’ve been TRYING to remember that I am worth it.

I’ve been TRYING to remember I’m a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.
Above all, I’ve been TRYING to remember that I have pain, but the pain is NOT me.

5 Sayings that Don't Help Me

            I have been reading a lot of lists online describing other’s depression and anxiety, and what it is to them. Some I can relate to 100%, but others, because our issues are all different, I can’t even fathom what they are feeling. So, with the feeling of needing to get some more understanding on MY anxiety and depression, I have figured out five sayings that do nothing to help my anxiety and depression. Some of these sayings actually make me feel worse.

#1            It’s ALL in Your Head.

Well, not to sound rude, but duh, I have a mental illness; therefore it is in my head. However, it is not ALL in my head. My anxiety fuels my depression, and my depression fuels my body and energy.

The best way to explain this is as follows: A flower needs sunshine, water and good soil to grow. Without one of these the flower will never shine.

Focus on the words “good soil” for a minute. If I plant two flowers in different flowerbeds depending on how the flowerbed is taken care of will help determine how the flower grows. So, I plant one in a flowerbed that has been tended to. It has been cleared of any objects that could stunt the growth of a flower. The flowers are placed in areas where they are most likely to grow. This flowerbed is tended to daily. It is given water when dry, and is weeded of any negative objects. This flower starts to grow. For many people this is the life they live. They throw out the bad, don’t let it sink in and grow and shine beautifully.

Now, lets talk about the other flower. The other flower is also originally planted in a well-cared for flowerbed. It has been removed of all foreign material. However, this flowerbed is not in the perfect spot to receive the amount of sunlight it needs. This flower is not attended to in such loving ways as #1. Eventually weeds grow and the flower starts doubting its beauty. The flower wonders why all the other flowers around it are blooming into gorgeous flowers. Slowly its anxiety grows because it is not as “perfect” as the other flowers. As the anxiety grows, the depression (weeds) starts to pull it down. The flower no longer wants to be seen, so it tries to hide from everyone and everything. The depression (weeds) have now taken over the flowers body (root system) and is taking the fuel the flower needs.

Trust me, if all my anxiety and depression was JUST in my head, I think I could handle it, but alas, it is not.

#2            Why don’t you ever volunteer for such and such an event?

Next to being a good mommy and wife, there is nothing I would rather do than spend my time serving others. Because of my anxiety, I can be excited about volunteering and getting out of the house, but fear of if I’ll be able to fulfill my responsibilities keeps me from volunteering.

Here’s how my mind works: I volunteer and am excited. I work excitedly for a week or two, than I start questioning my thoughts and ideas. Slowly my anxiety climbs and I am unable to fulfill my responsibility. So, the idea of volunteering is wonderful, but for me, I never know what type of day I’ll have, so it is a challenge for me to volunteer in advance to do something, for fear of being “unreliable”.

#3            If you would just get out of bed you wouldn’t have your anxiety and be depressed.

            Excuse my language, but that is a donkey’s butt comment. There are days that I literally, other than using the bathroom, CANNOT get out of bed. That is how debilitating and exhausting my anxiety and depression can become.

            Yes, I’m fully aware that studies say getting out of bed, exercising, blah, blah, blah will help with depression. However, not ONE of those studies included me, and I am an enigma to the norm. My mind and body are not like the other 99.8% (I totally made up that percentage) of the human race who deal with anxiety and depression.

            Now, I usually (you notice I said usually) do get myself up out of bed for the day. That’s about all I can do for THE WHOLE DANG DAY!! Just getting out of bed and making myself walk down the stairs to get something to eat has pretty much used all my spoons for the day. (If you don’t know what the spoon theory is, here’s a link http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/, go read about it.

            Then if I have plans for one day, I KNOW I have to plan on the day or two before, and the day or two after, not to plan ANYTHING! I will need to conserve my spoons beforehand, and then get them back the following days. It’s a never-ending cycle.

            So, if you tell me to just get out of bed, expect an eye roll at the least, with me possibly calling you stupid at the worst.

#4            How are you feeling?

For me, this is one of the WORST questions to be asked. Truthfully, because I don’t know if you really want to know how I’m doing, or if asking because it's what society expects one to ask. I also feel it is one of the dumbest questions ever created. From anything such as depression and anxiety to losing a loved one, “How do I feel?” are you kidding me? What a ridiculous question. I hurt, I can’t tell you what’s wrong, because more than half the time I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, I feel guilty because I’m not a better wife and mother, I feel sad because I so desperately want to get out of the house for a girls night, but have such overwhelming anxiety I don’t dare make plans and then cancel; therefore, disappointing friends…again, and for the most part I can tell if I’m truly being asked or if it’s just a conversation starter.

#5            It’s going to get easier. Look how far you’ve come.

DON’T. EVER. SAY. THESE. TO. ME.!! You have no idea what I’m going through. Even if you’ve had anxiety and depression, yours is a completely different story than mine. Logically thinking, it has to get easier, but when I’m in a funk or struggling, telling me it is going to get easier, and than telling me to look at how far I’ve come in the last so many months/years, is NOT helping.

Of course, this list is not complete. I have what feels like thousands of more sayings, but in all likely-hood are less than 100, that I would love to share with everyone. As with all illnesses, both seen and unseen, I cannot tell you how others feel; I can only tell you how I feel, and what upsets me or makes life easier for me. This list will continue to grow, and I’ll try to keep updates on our blog at http://anxietyanddepressionasafamily.blogspot.com/.

What it's like in the eyes of a daughter

I'm Joanie. I'm the oldest child of the sufferer, Abby. As a child of someone that suffers from anxiety and depression, I know what it's like to see someone you love stay at home all day because they are nervous and anxious about being around people. Having anxiety and depression together is hard for the person who suffers from it, but does anyone think about how hard it is for the sufferers loved ones, who have to watch and, at times, not be able to help?

I have watched as my mom has anxiety attacks and sometimes I can't do anything to help. When it's bad enough she sits in bed and rubs her hands together. When this happens I never know what to do, it scares me. My mom has good days and that lasts for a couple of days, but then everything she had done catches up to her and she spends a couple more day in her room. Whenever Hunter or I have important events coming up, my mom has to take medication in order to be able to come and see our parts and than she has to go in a hall or separate room for the rest of the performances.

Any performer or person who knows concert etiquette knows that it is considered highly rude to walk out of a concert or performance. Because of my mom's diseases, she isn't able to stay in the crowded gym after Hunter or I's band or dance concerts. Whenever we have band concerts (since we don't do dance anymore) our mom stays in long enough to at least see our performances, sometimes she is able to stay longer. It makes me sad that my mom can't handle staying to watch all performances because she loves hearing band, orchestra and other performances.

The best times are when we stay at home as a family and do activities, or when we go driving in the mountains. We have so much fun that when a bad day comes up it scares me. When we drive in the mountains you can see the peace on mom's face as we look at the scenery.

The times when I see my mom's face content and peaceful are the times I most enjoy.

Could vs. Should vs. Need

With a title like that I feel like I'm on an episode of Survivor© - Brains vs. Brawn vs. Beauty-. I can assure you, I will NEVER be on a season of Survivor©. I get anxiety just watching the episodes with Ryan.

No, this title actually came to me after reading my good-friend Tia's Facebook post this morning. Tia is an amazing woman who is very in-tune to the Spirit. She has been my friend for more than half my life. I'm grateful for the insight she shares. Her post reads,

"Today I've been thinking a lot about the rich young man who went to Jesus asking what he lacked to attain eternal life. He had lived a righteous life, kept the commandments, and apparently desired to be good. What was he expecting Jesus to tell him? Did he think that there was an additional commandment to keep? Was he thinking he'd be told something new? Did he ever think, even remotely, that he'd be asked to give up his riches? What exactly was he willing to do in order to obtain eternal life, and where was his "cutting off point", to what he wasn't willing to do. Did he even think all these things through, or did he seek out Jesus on a whim or spur of the moment?
When we go to the Lord in our prayers and all what we should do, what do we expect to hear? Do we have an idea of what we might be asked to do? I know I could write a long list of things I could/should improve on. Are those the things I expect Him to tell me? Will i be asked to give up my " riches "? And if so, what "riches" will I be willing to part with?
The young man "went away sorrowful". He wasn't willing to give up his riches. Is there anything that would make me decide to go "away sorrowful", anything in unwilling to part with? I'm guessing that he was sincere when he asked the question. He didn't expect the answer to his question to be something here was unwilling to do. It was obviously something very difficult for him. I think the Lord will ask us to give up our " riches", just as He did this young man. Or just may not be monetary. But it will be difficult. How can we grow and process of it's not?
Just some thoughts floating in my head today . . . any thoughts on the subject?"

Her thoughts started me thinking of concepts I've learned during therapy over the last few years. There have been many concepts and coping skills I've learned over the years. Are they all perfect, do they all work for me, do they all work for everybody? Of course not. However, one concept that has been helpful to me is what I call the Should vs. Need philosophy.  I don't think I can say it any better than my response to Tia's post.

Tia, I think of it this way. You could write your list of could and should ideas, but are they at this time what you NEED to be focusing on. There is a difference between should and need.
One of my favorite phrases I've learned while in therapy is to "get rid of the shoulds" and focus on "my needs".
SHOULD I spend more time worrying about keeping the house clean, OR do I NEED to spend more time playing with my children, and allowing my house not to be spotless. If I get rid of the should and focus on the need, I'll spend more time with my children and less time worrying about my house being clean.
My need overthrows my should, therefore, I throw the should out the window and work on the need in my life.
Just how I've come to understand picking what is the most important things I need to be doing.
I constantly ask myself "should I be doing this" or "do I need to be doing this". It has helped me decide many a decision when I ask myself these two simple questions.

 Using my Should vs. Need philosophy, I have been able to solve other questions that come to mind.

•    Scenario #1: In 1988, President Ezra Taft Benson talked about Flooding the World with the Book of Mormon. He challenged every leader, every teacher, every home, every person to take the Book of Mormon and have it be a part of their life. He challenged us to read the Book of Mormon daily. You can read his talk at Flooding the Earth with the Book of Mormon. 

Now, I take his challenge of focusing on the Book of Mormon with my family, and I figure out what o do.
                                 Should                                                              Need

• Should we read a whole chapter every day?         vs.  Or do we Need to read only a few verses  
•                                                                                      and focus on what we learn?

As I compare my Shoulds and Need, I come to realize that I throw the Should out the Window, because we NEED to focus on what we learn, and teach my children the best way to understand the teachings of the Book of Mormon. In this way the Need is the answer. We might only read five verses a night, but we understand what we read and know how to feel our Lord's love through the Book of Mormon.

One more scenario.

•    Scenario #2: In 2013, I was hospitalized for my depression and anxiety. As a family we had to make a decision on what to do. I was in no frame of mind to make any decisions, so sadly, the decision was put upon Ryan. Not fair to him or the kids.

                                        Should                                                              Need

• Should Ryan have me hospitalized to help me?         vs.  Or did I Need to be hospitalized to get 
•                                                                                           better?

 We can look back now and see that I Needed to be hospitalized to get  the help I needed. Should I have been, of course, but the Need overthrew the Should, therefore, throwing the Should out the window.

The Should vs. Need philosophy has helped us as a family come to understand and Know what Needs to be done, versus what Should be done.