Why I Take Medicine for my Depression and Anxiety

My health history would not only surprise some, but it would bore some to death. Just to give you a sneak peek into my health, here's some information. Not only do I suffer from depression and anxiety but I also have diabetes, Fibromyalgia, chronic pain, migraines, and a host of other issues. 

There are some who question whether or not medicine is beneficial or needed to treat mental diseases. Yes, even I have friends and family members who are naysayers. I have been told "life will get better", "You need to think positive", and one of my favorite, "It's all in your head". Of course it's all in my head. I have a mental disease and without a brain my issues wouldn't exist.

A number of years ago when I was being treated for high blood pressure I was being seen by a wonderful doctor. I was in my late 20s and struggling with having to take medicine daily. My doctor asked me the only question he knew would make me take my medicine regularly. "Do you want to see your children graduate high school and get married?" I immediately started crying. How could he be so mean? How could he even question my love for my children? After I calmed down I told him that yes I wanted to be around for those events. His response, "Well, you need to take your damn medicine"!

This exclamation was an eyeopener for me. Was taking medication for my high blood pressure really going to help me live longer? I decided taking it was a necessity.

Fast forward five years and I still have high blood pressure, but I've now been diagnosed with diabetes and my depression. I have a new doctor and I'm extremely hesitant to take meds for my depression. 

It is socially unacceptable and an embarrassment to take medicine for depression. I should be able to deal with my depression on my own. My life is ideal, why do I suffer from depression? All these thoughts went through my mind, and were verbally said to me. I was heartbroken. How could I admit to having a mental disease if no one believed me or supported me? 

Once again at my doctor visit he begins asking me questions. 

Doc:  "Do you take medicine for your high blood pressure?"

Me: "Yes."

Doc: "Do you take medicine for your diabetes?"

Me: "Of course."

Doc: "Why is it OK for you to take medicine for these diseases, but not for your depression?"

Me: "I could die if I don't take my other medicine."

Doc: "The same thing could happen if we don't control your depression."

It was hard to hear this, but it was what I needed to hear. At that time I was able to stay on the medicine for a year and then go off it for a number of years. 

Sadly, three years later I was hospitalized and have not been able to get off medicine for my depression and anxiety.

I no longer feel that it is wrong to take medicine for a mental disease. I can admit that I will be on medication for the rest of my life, and I'm OK with that. My life is still great. I have a loving husband who spoils me, two wonderful children who make being a mom easy, and family and friends who, I hope, are beginning to understand a little more about mental illness.

So, the answer to why do I take medicine for my mental diseases is this: I want to be a mom. I want to live and see my children graduate from school. I want to see them get married. Above all, I want to be a mom to my children in the here and now. I want to be a mom they can say was there for them, and who loves them with all my heart. I don't have to be 100% all the time, but me at 30% is still better than me at 0%. And the only way for me to be this mom is to take my medicine.

2016...We Survived

We Survived

This past year can be described in two words...We Survived.

Ryan and I survived our 16-year-anniversary.

We survived Ryan's job change.

We survived Abby's near-obsession with family history.

We survived a trip to Barnes and Noble and Deseret Book for Joanie's 14th birthday.

We survived Joanie babysitting all summer. 

We survived Joanie growing 3-4 inches.
 
We survived Hunter turning 12 and entering junior high.

We survived Hunter growing 6-7 inches, making him taller than Joanie and Abby (this was a BIG survival).

We survived Hunter's first-seven-day scout camping trip (Abby by a hair).

We survived the death of Abby's granny and grandpa.

We survived the death of our beloved Shih tzu, Winky.

We survived getting a new puppy, Charley.

We survived two weddings in one day.
We survived Abby having back surgery, again.

We survived Joanie having her lingual tonsils out (2-days before Christmas).

We survived Abby's parents starting a 2-year mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

We survived multiple short road trips; including trips to South Dakota, California, Las Vegas, and Beaver Dam. 

We survived having our friend and her three daughters move in with us 2 1/2 weeks before Christmas.

Above all, we survived another year of Abby being in constant pain, and the depression and anxiety that comes from being in that much pain.

Here's to 2017!

 

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back...Oh, how I loathe this saying. I have heard it many times over the past few years, and if I never hear it again it will be too soon.

Three years ago my depression and anxiety was so severe that the decision was made for me to be hospitalized. I was hospitalized for a total of three weeks. I was hospitalized for one week the first time, and then I was re-hospitalized a week later for two weeks. I was at my lowest point ever. I had no desire to live or push forward. It was pure hell.

At this time in my life I felt I had nothing to to live for. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved Ryan and Joanie and Hunter, but the pain was so unbearable I didn't feel I could continue. The pain that came from my depression and anxiety was, and is, all-encompassing. There is not a point on my body that didn't hurt. I hurt emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. It felt too hard to continue forward in this life. 

I can look at this time in my life in two different ways...I was either extremely blessed or extremely lucky. Where my faith has been such an integral part of my healing I have to go with being extremely blessed. As I've been looking through my journal from my time in the hospital I can see the Lord's hand in my life. At the time it was not easy to turn to the Lord, but over the past few years as my faith has grown it's become easier to turn to the Lord for help.

As I've been looking back through my journal I see the scriptures and inspiration I received from the apostles and prophets. I see where they worked into my life without my knowledge. One of the opportunities was listening to the 2013 October General Conference. On that Saturday afternoon I had made a trip to Salt Lake to get a dog for me. On the way back Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, a member of the Quorum of the 12, gave a talk. His talk was titled, "Like a Broken Vessel". This talk helped me in so many ways. I know it didn't help only me, because I saw the impact on Joanie's life. 

As I was driving home from Salt Lake I received a number of calls from family and friends asking me if I had heard this talk. Granted, I only heard a little of it. The caller who impressed me the most was Joanie. At the time she was she was 11 years old, almost 12. She called me and told me I HAD to watch and listen to this talk by Elder Holland. She then began to tell me what inspiration she had received while listening to Elder Holland. 

I can tell you this, it is extraordinarily humbling to have your child teach you. I was, and continue to be, amazed with how close to the Holy Ghost Joanie was. Even three years later she listens to conference diligently and with hope of hearing the prophet or apostles teach from the Lord. This talk touched us both so deeply that we have printed off and read and reread it multiple times.

In his talk Elder Holland said, "So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. As President Monson said to the Relief Society sisters so movingly last Saturday evening: “That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.” Never, ever doubt that, and never harden your heart. Faithfully pursue the time-tested devotional practices that bring the Spirit of the Lord into your life. Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

This poignant part of his talk has helped me push forward in my most troubling times. I can now look back and see the times when Satan wanted to drag me under, and not let me succeed. But now I can see the Lord's hands pulling me to him, encouraging me to never lose my faith, to remember the atonement and to seek for understanding. I love the quote from President Thomas S. Monson.

“That love never changes. … It is there for you when you are sad or happy, discouraged or hopeful. God’s love is there for you whether or not you feel you deserve [it]. It is simply always there.”

So many times have I felt the Lord's love for me. I have not only felt the love from my Heavenly Father, but I have felt the love from Jesus Christ. I have developed a better understanding of the atonement; particularly that the atonement is not only for those who sin.

One talk that gave me a better understanding of the atonement was given in 2012 by Elder David A. Bednar. He spoke at a BYU devotional. He said,

"Most of us clearly understand that the Atonement is for sinners. I am not so sure, however, that we know and understand that the Atonement is also for saints—for good men and women who are obedient, worthy, and conscientious and who are striving to become better and serve more faithfully."

Before my depression and anxiety became all consuming I did not realize that the atonement is there to help me become a better person and move forward in this life. Learning more about the atonement has been integral in my stepping forward. 

At times I still take one step forward and two steps back, but I can now see my progress. I recognize that now my forward steps are large and my two steps back are more like shuffles. 

To end this I want to share something I learned while in the hospital. I had been reading the Book of Mormon and was in Alma. Alma 33:18 & 21 it reads, "...faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true."

My faith has sustained me and will continue to sustain me through the difficult times in my life. 

Talks Quoted: 
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng

https://www.lds.org/liahona/2012/04/the-atonement-and-the-journey-of-mortality?lang=eng
 
 

Fear vs. Faith

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t move.

I can’t talk.

I can’t hear.

Stop. Help Me.

Stop. Help Me.

I can’t see.

I can’t feel.

I can’t be.

Stop. Help Me.

Fear. What do you fear? I fear many things. I fear closed-in spaces. I fear heights. I fear flying. I fear groups of people. I fear embarrassment. I fear failure. I fear loss. I fear love. I fear my feelings. I fear rejection. I fear faith.

You might ask how can I fear faith. Are fear and faith not the antithesis of each other? By definition they are. I use to think that my faith was greater than my fear. Now, my fear causes me to question my faith. I want to overcome my fear and instead, let my faith be my anchor.

In the book of 2 Timothy in the New Testament, we are told, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) If our loving heavenly Father gives us the spirit of love and faith, who gives us the spirit of Fear? Where faith is the opposite of fear, it stands to reason that fear comes from Satan, who is the opposite of God.

As I’ve been thinking about my fear and my faith I have finally decided that it is time to start moving past my fear, and not only put my faith in God, but I need to start living by my faith not my fear. How am I going to live by my faith not my fear? The only answer I have is small steps and one day at a time (how cliche, right).

St. George LDS Temple

What am I going to do to begin? First, I’m preparing to go to the St. George Temple in a week and a half. The temple use to be a place I could go and feel peace and comfort. However, other than going and doing baptisms and confirmations for the dead with Ryan, Joanie and Hunter, I have not been in the temple for more than a year, and in the past three years I have only been once. Am I proud of this, absolutely not. Do I have valid reasons, to me I do. Attending the temple I am faced with four large fears. There are small rooms, groups of people, I can become embarrassed and I fear what I will feel in the temple. 

After baptisms/confirmations @ Provo LDS Temple.

 This upcoming trip to the temple is for a very special event. We are attending with Ryan’s brother’s and sister’s-in-law, to seal his dad to his grandparents. Where this is such a great event, I have been preparing mentally to be able to attend. Do I believe this will be a walk in the park? Nope. I know my anxiety will rise and it will take my whole entire will to get through that day. But I am determined to make it.

I know attending the temple once isn’t going to take my fear completely away, but I know it is the first step to take. As I work to overcome my fears I know it isn’t going to be easy or disappear right away. Where fear has ruled my life for three years, I expect it will take at least the next three years to rewire my brain to turn to my faith instead of my fear.

In his initial talk as a member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, Elder Quentin L. Cook talked about faith and fear. His talk, Live by Faith and Not by Fear, he said, 

“When we choose to follow Christ in faith rather than choosing another path out of fear, we are blessed with a consequence that is consistent with our choice.” (October 2007: https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/11/live-by-faith-and-not-by-fear.p1?lang=eng)

I look forward to my “consequences” from choosing faith over fear.

We Believe

As I’ve contemplated what I’d like to put on here to share our life; happiness and sadness, good and bad, struggles and achievements with you I realized that a lot of our life is good and our accomplishments because of what we believe. Many will not understand some concepts that I know we will be talking about here. I feel a need to explain some of these concepts that we not only believe, but we KNOW are true!

This might be boring to read, but I feel it will help you understand future posts. I’m going to list and explain these concepts.

Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints: This is the name of the church we belong to. We are more commonly referred to as Mormons.
Book of Mormon: Another Testament of Jesus Christ: This book is scripture, comparable to the Bible. However, we also believe in the Bible.
Doctrine & Covenants (D&C): This is another book of scripture. The Doctrine & Covenants are “revelations and inspired declarations given for the establishment and regulation of the kingdom of God on the earth in the last days.” 1
General Conference: This is a bi-yearly general meeting for members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. In these meetings we are taught by our Prophet, Apostles and other Leaders. The meetings take place the first weekend of April and then again in October.
Atonement: “The word describes the setting, ‘at one’ of those who have been estranged and denotes the reconciliation of man to God. …The purpose of atonement is to correct or overcome the consequences of sin. Jesus Christ, as the Only Begotten Son of God and the only sinless person to live on this earth, was the only one capable of making an atonement for mankind. His divine Sonship, His sinless life, the shedding of His blood in the garden of Gethsemane, His death on the cross and subsequent bodily resurrection from the grave, He made a perfect atonement for mankind. All are covered unconditionally as pertaining to the Fall of Adam.” 2
Forever Family: We believe that families can be together forever. We can be sealed in a temple for not only time, but all eternity.
Temple: There are 151 operating temples, 4 are in a renovation stage, 15 are under new construction, and 11 have been announced. “In the temple we are taught, we make covenants, and we are promised blessings.” 3
Family History: We believe that we are linked to our ancestors forever. We research our ancestors and then we, as proxy’s, go to the temple and perform the needed ordinances.
Missionary: Usually a young man or young woman who leaves their family and serves the Lord by teaching the Gospel to others. There are also couple missionaries who serve. (If interested in meeting with a missionary, please let me know. I will help get you in touch with one.)
Priesthood: We believe there are two levels of Priesthood, the Aaronic and Melchezidek. The priesthood is held by worthy men in the Church. They use this priesthood for good. Some ways the priesthood is used include; blessings and ordinances.
Articles of Faith: There are 13 statements outlining Latter-day Saint beliefs. These statements were given by Joseph Smith to an editor of the Chicago Democrat. These statements explain what we believe.

I’m sure over time there will be other concepts we need to explain and we will explain those as they arise.

I firmly believe in these concepts. I know with all my heart and mind that these are true, and that we have a loving Heavenly Father who knows all and won’t give us more than we can handle (although at times it seems we have too much to handle). I know that we have a living prophet on earth. I know that families are forever. I’m so thankful for this knowledge, and knowing I will always be with my loved ones. I know that through the Atonement of Christ, not only can I be forgiven of my sins, but I also know that Christ felt every little pain I have, and will feel. I know that Christ is my elder brother, and that he loves me unconditionally. I know the power of the Priesthood can be used for good. The Priesthood has been used many times to help me feel better. This knowledge brings much comfort to me. I believe the 13 statements, known as the Articles of Faith, are true. They simply explain, better than I could, what we believe. I know that as I read the scriptures and pray about my decisions, the Lord will continue to bless, not only me, but my family. My testimony is strong. I KNOW the Gospel is true, and I KNOW that I can be guided to help others. Again, I KNOW I have a loving Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally and wants me to be happy and succeed. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

#1. Doctrine & Covenants Introduction.
#2. Bible Dictionary: Atonement.
#3. www.lds.org. “What Happens in Temples.”

Death Sucks

Death sucks!

Not only is death hard on everyone involved, it's a painful, and sometimes difficult issue to discuss with your children. It is so heartbreaking to watch your child sob uncontrollably about anything, but even harder for a time when you are grieving yourself.

Our family has gone through a plethora of deaths in the last two years. We have lost Ryan's dad, two of my cousins, my aunt, my granny and now my grandfather. My children have experienced death at such a young age, that it is heartbreaking to tell them another person they love has died.

Now, I'm not saying that I regret my children growing up with so many people to love, and be loved in return. No, I'm thankful for how blessed my children have been. They have been blessed to not only know both sets of grandparents, but they have known four of their great grandparents. And not just know who they are, but actually KNOW them and have a relationship with them.t

Although I originally thought it was rare for children to know their great grandparents, I found out the percentage is actually higher. In an article in 2006, in the New York Times, "Here Come the great-grandparents", writer By STEPHANIE ROSENBLOOM reports that by 2030 about 70% of 8 year olds will be living with their great grandparents. WOW!! That number astounds me. However, I also know that knowing your GREAT grandparents, and knowing them well, is unique, and special in many ways. My children have been blessed in this aspect.

Sadly, experiencing so much death has made my children sensitive to death. However, with the knowledge and testimony of eternal families we KNOW we will see our loved ones again. The peace we receive with this great faith helps lessen the pain of losing our loved ones. As each of our faith grows we come to a more secure knowledge and comfort of love that we will be reunited with our loved ones.

So, today as many of my friends decide who to cheer for in the annual "Holy War" between BYU and Utah, my family will be celebrating my grandpa's life.

A man who loved all completely and unconditionally. A man who not only fiercely loved his country, but fought to keep it free. A man who loved his family fiercely. A man whose testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was so strong that many drew from his testimony in times of question. A man who without fail made you feel as though you were the most special and important person in his life. A man who loved his wife so strongly that no one could question his love for her. A man who enjoyed and loved his 10 children, 27 grandchildren, and 12 great-grandchildren with such loyalty and love it couldn't be questioned. A man I am proud to call my grandpa.

So as my friends cheer for their favorite team (of which I could care less) I will be doing something not as fun, but much more meaningful. I will be celebrating Grandpa's life.

I LOVE you Grandpa Edwards. I'm so grateful for all you taught me and for the love you showed to my family. I know you are in a better place and not in pain anymore. You have been reunited with many of your ancestors, and with Grandma and Grandpa Bohman. I will always remember your love and your amazing testimony.

Please watch over our family. Until we meet again may the Lord watch over all your descendants. We all love you.

Trying

This week has been a TRYING week.

I’ve been TRYING to deal with my pain.
I’ve been TRYING to understand why I have to feel such pain.
I’ve been TRYING to be patient with all my health issues.
I‘ve been TRYING to understand what each pain stands for.

I’ve been TRYING to ignore the gloom that wants to descend on me.
I’ve been TRYING to keep my emotions clear.
I’ve been TRYING to be patient with my children and husband.
I’ve been TRYING to love my family unconditionally.

I’ve been TRYING to remain optimistic about life.
I’ve been TRYING to accept my destiny.
I’ve been TRYING to remember the reasons for pushing forward.
I’ve been TRYING to remember that I am worth it.

I’ve been TRYING to remember I’m a daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.
Above all, I’ve been TRYING to remember that I have pain, but the pain is NOT me.